Having problems with DD2 now :(

the_cat

But the way I read it, the whole 'do you love me' stuff happened AFTER the argument about bedtime. Genuine feeling of not being loved? Manipulation? Sign of mental illness and instability?

It is impossible for any of us to make a judgement on which it is over the internet! Besides it is irrelevant. The OP is clearly struggling to cope and needs help. Whether it is her parenting skills or something medical the effect is the same - a family in need of intervention

PS. As a stepfather, hearing a child threaten to stab your daughter (DD2) can anyone here honestly blame him for not wanting DD1? Would you want someone likely to stab YOUR child in the house???

FatVonD

I think she needs time with her mum. OP, presumably you were a single mum before you met your DH, then DH comes into your life so she has to share her mum with somebody else when she's been used to having her all to herself. She already has some behavioural problems which make it hard for your DH, with no biological push, to bond with her then, lo and behold along comes DD2, his own biological offspring that he automatically loves and she has to share her mum with her too.

I think you need to spend 1 to 1 time with DD1, not as a reward for anything but because (and you tell her this) she is good company (even if she isn't at the moment!)

cheepskate_2

the_cat wrote: »

PS. As a stepfather, hearing a child threaten to stab your daughter (DD2) can anyone here honestly blame him for not wanting DD1? Would you want someone likely to stab YOUR child in the house???

But his other child, is severely damaged at the moment, she needs just as much protection , if not more

the_cat

cheepskate wrote: »

But his other child, is severely damaged at the moment, she needs just as much protection , if not more

It is not his other child. He is the stepfather

He is only human. His first instinct will be to protect his daughter

moiramay

Nicki wrote: »

Perhaps it depends on what time the rest of the family goes to bed (and gets up) then. I am often in bed by 10pm, being exhausted looking after 3 active kids all day, and up at 7 to get them all off and out for school. So for us it makes sense for our Year 7 child to be in bed by 8.15, so that we can have a couple of hours time to ourselves. If you don't go to bed until midnight say, then its not such a big deal if your 11 year old is around until 9.30/10pm.

I know people whose babies are up until 8 or 9pm at night, so that dad can spend some quality time with them after work. Mine have always been in bed by 6.30/7.00pm, as that is what works best for us. It doesn't mean that one approach is right or wrong, or that one baby is put to bed outrageously early or outrageously late, just different parenting styles, and no "end of" about it.

No 8pm is abnormal for a 12 year old to be forced to go to bed. Most wont even be tired for another couple of hours so getting told that you have to go to bed or sleep will just cause tantrums. That's time where the family could bond by sitting down to watch a film or tv, a chance to talk to each other not shunted away.

lostinrates

I went to a boarding school and we went to bed at 8 in what is now years seven, but could read till eight thirty....bedtimes should be right for the child/family not what other people on a forum do surely?


I agree with the person who said suggesting care is awful, depsite suggesting it myself i agree its a very, very last resort. But op seems to be at last resort stage. I think also, making a protest might, if she is lucky get her more help? Whether its a child issue or a parenting one or whatever, op is not coping as is.


Dd2 has to be considered too, and frnakly, if a parent or step parent was pulling knives out or being violent and nothing was done we would consider it a child protection issue surely?

Op is between a rock and a hrd place imo. Damned if she does or doesn't, whatever the cuase of her child's behaviour they are now, where they are and something needs to be done, for ddone, and the rest of the family. Noone is thriving in such a circumstance, and unless something cheanges radically i cannot see how that will change.

Nicki

moiramay wrote: »

No 8pm is abnormal for a 12 year old to be forced to go to bed. Most wont even be tired for another couple of hours so getting told that you have to go to bed or sleep will just cause tantrums. That's time where the family could bond by sitting down to watch a film or tv, a chance to talk to each other not shunted away.

We'll have to agree to differ. Easier perhaps for me than you, as I had already acknowledged there was more than one way to parent relating to bedtimes . I've never had tantrums at bedtime, nor as far as I know have my friends whose kids this age, go to bed at a similar time. Perhaps I just have a less dogmatic way of parenting, "end of", than some because my kids recognise that adults need some time to themselves too, and are happy to go up to their rooms and amuse themselves there after 8pm if they feel they are not so tired that they need to go to bed.

moiramay

Nicki wrote: »

We'll have to agree to differ. Easier perhaps for me than you, as I had already acknowledged there was more than one way to parent relating to bedtimes . I've never had tantrums at bedtime, nor as far as I know have my friends whose kids this age, go to bed at a similar time. Perhaps I just have a less dogmatic way of parenting, "end of", than some because my kids recognise that adults need some time to themselves too, and are happy to go up to their rooms and amuse themselves there after 8pm if they feel they are not so tired that they need to go to bed.

At twelve years old you should be giving your child more responsibillity and letting them act in a more Adult fashion. Dictating babyish bedtimes is not the way to go. Yes Parents need there time and I'm sure the children are well aware.

Seriously 8pm for a soon to be secondary age child! Most clubs finish at 9pm, most people don't come back from their friends houses till 9 or 10pm at that age !

daska

As a general rule I go by what the child needs. If the child always needs to be woken up in the morning then I consider the bed time to be late. If it's sometimes it's probably OK, if they're bouncing around well before they need to be awake it 'might' be too early. At that age DSD used to like being up before everyone else because it was her 'quiet time' when she got homework done (not that she managed it that often because she liked to stay up late as well LOL - late being 10pm).

It's also worth considering that children need sleep time to store away everything they have learned during the day - that's how the mind/brain works. So restricting sleep on the basis of 'that's what everyone else is doing' is possibly doing them a disservice.

Nicki

moiramay wrote: »

At twelve years old you should be giving your child more responsibillity and letting them act in a more Adult fashion. Dictating babyish bedtimes is not the way to go. Yes Parents need there time and I'm sure the children are well aware.

Seriously 8pm for a soon to be secondary age child! Most clubs finish at 9pm, most people don't come back from their friends houses till 9 or 10pm at that age !

In your opinion.

My child is Year 7 so already at secondary school. If he has a sports club in the evening, he attends as usual, but showers and goes upstairs when he returns. Most clubs round here for that age group finish at 8 or 8.30pm. None of his friends are allowed out at 10pm :eek:

Asking a young secondary school child to leave the communal parts of the house two hours before his parents (or one of them at least) will be going to bed is perfectly acceptable in my view. As I said in my first post, we are in a similar situation to OP in that we have a severely disabled child with no respite, so we do need time as a couple to recover from the day. I am quite sure my DS would rather be upstairs from 8.15 on a weeknight, than have two highly stressed, possibly divorced parents

I am content to allow you to have a view about what is right for your family and your children. I'm quite staggered to be honest that you presume to suppose that what you do is right for me, and right for OP, and that what we currently do is beyond the pale. However, I am not sure further debate on this is helpful to OP, other than to show her that her bedtime decisions for her DD are not unique, and that it is legitimate in her, and my, circumstances, to carve out a little space as informal respite on a daily basis, when longer more structured time isn't available.