Having problems with DD2 now :(

euronorris

Money as a reward? I know it was recommended by the experts to involve her in making the decisions over rewards, and punishments, but you don't have to agree to them. I think it would be better if the rewards were something physical, or preferably, an activity together (either just you and her, or the whole family). That way, she gets a reward, and nice, family interaction is encouraged.

I also see that puberty started very early. Has a hormonal imbalance been ruled out? Do her moods seem to be worse at certain times (ie, pre-menstrual)? How does she feel about starting so young? DOes she feel she doesn't fit in perhaps, or it's all very unfair and a part of her childhood was taken away from her?

And lastly, the overwhelming thing I have gotten from this thread is that you have tried so many different options and tactics. You also said you've taken on board people's advice and acted on it. That is not helping. It is not consistent or stable for her.

So, by all means, ask for advice, vent, and take on board suggestions BUT....just make a list of them, and discuss them during the next session with the pyschiatrist and ask for their guidance on how to proceed. We all mean well, but we are not experts, and we don't have all of the relevant/crucial information in front of us. The experts do.

They may well tell you to persevere. These things will undoubtedly take time to change/improve. How long have you been trying the new methods for? And were they applied consistently, or did you try something new/different in the midst of it all, based on advice from this forum?

toomanyshoesfortwofeet

I just want to wish you well.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to live with a child in such distress. It must also be exceptionally hard to watch her throw your home into crisis from one week to the next and each time having to broker a new truce between her, yourself and your OH.

I think this idea that children are blank slates onto which we write our parenting styles has reached outlandish proportions in the era of supernanny and other pop-parenting gurus. While it suits the majority of parents who are able to pat themselves on the back for a job well done, I imagine it's torture for parents of children with mental illness. I'm actually appalled by some of the posts on this thread for their high-horse perspective and snotty finger pointing.

Darlyd

Thank You again for all your adivce, I really do appreciate it. I am going to try to come up with something else as a reward. But what? How else will she earn her pocket money for her magazine, and skating etc?

Tonight it kicked it off yet again, she knows bed time for 8 lights off for 9, but she just sat on the landing, threw all rubbish and other bits down the stairs (all we said to her was come on babes bed time now), and she kept annoying DD2 who was in bed, (we trying to get dd2 back into routine no dvd for bed any more, even though it went off at 7.30 but she keeps getting out of bed, so it's her punishment), well DD1 was just annoying her, the only way I think we could of stopped DD1 was to pick her up and lock her in her room, but that was not an option, she was just going mental upstairs, wrote nasty letters, wishing us all dead, etc etc, she came downstairs at 9.30 for a bowl of porridge, I said no you have to go to bed, this is not right blah blah, she hit me, she grabbed knife from drawer ready to stab me, DH came out saying molly (our dog) is having a fit, Molly was just scared of the shouting from DD1, (I remained calm), this then got her to say I don't care, how it all calmed down I do not know, I heard her crying upstairs, I left her for a while then went to her to make sure she was OK, she just handed me a letter. I came down to read it (DH went to bed, up early), and it says I do not love her, giving me options to tick yes and no etc. All because we told her to go bed as it was gone 8 (her bed time). arghhh

DH says to me quietly without her listening (she keeps saying stop whispering), that he can not longer sit back with this, she needs to move out, I say only option is for me to move out too, he says DD2 will have to stay here with him, he does not trust DD1 nor do I.

!!!!!! do we do?

victory

Various posters in your threads have suggested you call the police so they can see the damage your DD is causing and see if that way they can call in the help you need?

I was wondering have you ever done that?

Darlyd

We have called the police twice, both times she changes the subject when being spoken too. (they feel sorry for us, they called SS they didn't want to know even after she was very dangerous).

The only option at the minute is to move out with DD1, and DD2 stay here with DH to keep her out of danger. Again we have removed all knives and locked them in DH car. I am so upset by all of this, I am being as nice and firm as possible, ignoring the bad, preying her positive, but as soon as we give her an order (like going to bed, bring washing down, pick her empty crisp packet up etc) she freaks out firstly telling us to shut our gob, and she repeats shut up, shut up just die etc...:(

mountainofdebt

darlyd

You ask what you should do.

Well no-one can tell you what do as we don't have to live with the consequences but .......

In all honesty it sounds as if things have come to ahead with your eldest and whilst I know you believe that this all stems from separation anxiety from an incident eons ago, I think I would be calling SS in the morning and telling them that they need to take her into care.

You can't have the situation you've got now - your youngest is kicking off and I do believe its because she can see the attention the eldest is getting by kicking off, your relationship with your OH is at rock bottom and there's no guarantee that even if you did move out with the eldest, things would improve......and if you're having to lock knives in the car becuase you're afraid she might stab you - then you really do need to take action....you can't be looking over your shoulder forever. And what about the general public ....sounds as if you won't be able to keep tabs on her for much longer.

If she is ill then she won't be able to keep up the pretence for long and SS will soon see the real her.

You have to realise that there are 3 other people to consider as well as your eldest - and no-one is benefiting from you shielding her.

lostinrates

darlyd wrote: »

Thank You again for all your adivce, I really do appreciate it. I am going to try to come up with something else as a reward. But what? How else will she earn her pocket money for her magazine, and skating etc?

Tonight it kicked it off yet again, she knows bed time for 8 lights off for 9, but she just sat on the landing, threw all rubbish and other bits down the stairs (all we said to her was come on babes bed time now), and she kept annoying DD2 who was in bed, (we trying to get dd2 back into routine no dvd for bed any more, even though it went off at 7.30 but she keeps getting out of bed, so it's her punishment), well DD1 was just annoying her, the only way I think we could of stopped DD1 was to pick her up and lock her in her room, but that was not an option, she was just going mental upstairs, wrote nasty letters, wishing us all dead, etc etc, she came downstairs at 9.30 for a bowl of porridge, I said no you have to go to bed, this is not right blah blah, she hit me, she grabbed knife from drawer ready to stab me, DH came out saying molly (our dog) is having a fit, Molly was just scared of the shouting from DD1, (I remained calm), this then got her to say I don't care, how it all calmed down I do not know, I heard her crying upstairs, I left her for a while then went to her to make sure she was OK, she just handed me a letter. I came down to read it (DH went to bed, up early), and it says I do not love her, giving me options to tick yes and no etc. All because we told her to go bed as it was gone 8 (her bed time). arghhh

DH says to me quietly without her listening (she keeps saying stop whispering), that he can not longer sit back with this, she needs to move out, I say only option is for me to move out too, he says DD2 will have to stay here with him, he does not trust DD1 nor do I.

!!!!!! do we do?

I am not a parent, but i keep replying because i think you life, her life, your families life is not great and i think, i hope, these threads might help you.

I can tell you what i think i might do in the moment.

I would tell her i loved her very much, but that i was terribly worried for her future and needed her help to help herself, becuase sometimes love isn't enough. I would consider putting that on her letter if that is how she is trying to communicate. Her behaviour is obviously untenable and will damage her and your family, but she is still a little girl who obviously is seeking reassurance.

I would be ensuring the saftey of my other child/ren, and that might mean not having dd1 there, or moving out with her. In either case this will also be gard on dd2 any other child as they will feel the famly is 'breakable' so you and your partner need to remain loving and communicative if you decide to do that.

Thirdly i would try and change this cycle of seeking help, getting some positive noices the. It all falling back. I would call ss and ask them to take her and tekl them i could not cope, or anything to get the help you very clearly need WHATEVER the cause of dd1s behaviour/problems.

I think that whatver happens next is going to be very hard, but it can continue being hard as it is, or it can be hard and help one or both your children...i do not think that continuing as is is helping anyone...but i might well be wrong, what do you think op?

Battybird

Darlyd, I so feel for you. Hope you get the help for her she needs.

Have you thought of videoing or secretly tape recording her behaviour? She may be mortified with her own behaviour if she actually sees or hears herself as others see her. (I mean as you, her family see her.)

Spendless

Re- pocket money. You don't have to link chores to the amount they receive. You can do various other options such as give a set amount but stop/reduce it for misbehaviour, you can give a basic amount but they can earn an amount of top up for doing certain things. I'm sure they'll be lots of other variants as well, that I ahven't thought of. Have a look through the pocket money threads for an idea that will work for your family.

Is 8pm too early (even if lights off isn't till an hour later)
to go up to bed now she's Secondary school age?

gingin_2

I agree with LIR and I think you need to go begging/ crying / stamping on social services' doorstep and don't leave until you get heard. I think this is just about one of the hardest threads to comment on because it is so sensitive but I will be thinking of you.