Having problems with DD2 now :(

lostinrates

Op,
I cannot see who your current family dynamic is working for.

Dd1 is Not improving and is wanted out by your husband

You other child /ren are seeing and copying behaviour which will potentially hold them baxk in life , cause emotional problems and possibly at risk directly physically from dd 1 iirc

Yout husband doesn't want your daughter there, which must put strain on him, you, and all the children, and you are torn.

I do not know what you can do, but i would be doing something now, not waiting. If you think moving out with dd1 is a possibility look into it now so you inow how feasible it is.

I am so sorry for your family and you, but something has to change. It really does.

cheepskate_2

O.p, you can come on here, speak to ss and friends and tell them all it's your child that has huge mental health issues, or ADDH or whatever. BUT i'm telling you, and bear in mind i have only read your posts on here, but it is a lack of parental disipline , that is causing most of your problems.

This lack of discipline stems from way back, as we are seeing with the youngest.

You say- couldn't stop on roundabout.......so you did nothing. How about stopping 50 y after the roundabout and disciplining.

You say, the little one kept on, even after she had to apologise......to me your child is not fearful of the consequences and also has no respect to you as a adult/mother. She may not do it all the time at the moment, but give her time and she will copy and be a fully fledged out of control child.

I also looked at one of your other posts............where as your eldest was kicking off and breaking the house up, your DH left with the DD2 and dogs, YOU stood in garden as couldn't bear to watch your furniture being broken????????????

The above really tells of your family dynamics and parental style.

OP, as much as you want to blame your child as its easier than blaming you and her dad(step), you and dad are a big part of this problem.

You can either live like this and ruin not only 1 childs life, but also DD2 life, and even if dad get custody, its still ruined.

Or you can face up to it and learn to deal with the problems in your household, lots of good advice on here on how to parent

I know i sound harsh, but you know what i don't care. I have saw too many situations like this and its all blamed on the child , this child then ends up with MH problems like your daughter(peeing on floor is a cry for help, not bad behaviour)

O.P, I also understand you have MH issues yourself, thus exacerbating(sp) the problems,get your family sorted and your MH will undoubtedly get better.

the_cat

Why the hell is a 5 year old child in the front seat of the car anyway if she can't be trusted not to react in an unsafe way? You really need to stop putting yourself in avoidable situations

Have you now instilled an absolute, unbreakable rule that she sits, strapped in to her child seat IN THE BACK OF THE CAR? The second (yes even if you are at a busy roundabout, that's the time when you need to be able to concentrate fully on the road, not her!!!!!) she undoes the seatbelt you will stop the car and it will move no further until she is strapped back in?

If you haven't then you are the problem, not her. Small children do stupid things, it's unavoidable. Or at least it is the first time. How you react dictates how she views the incident and determines whether she will consider it something worth doing again

pelirocco

cheepskate wrote: »

O.p, you can come on here, speak to ss and friends and tell them all it's your child that has huge mental health issues, or ADDH or whatever. BUT i'm telling you, and bear in mind i have only read your posts on here, but it is a lack of parental disipline , that is causing most of your problems.

This lack of discipline stems from way back, as we are seeing with the youngest.

You say- couldn't stop on roundabout.......so you did nothing. How about stopping 50 y after the roundabout and disciplining.

You say, the little one kept on, even after she had to apologise......to me your child is not fearful of the consequences and also has no respect to you as a adult/mother. She may not do it all the time at the moment, but give her time and she will copy and be a fully fledged out of control child.

I also looked at one of your other posts............where as your eldest was kicking off and breaking the house up, your DH left with the DD2 and dogs, YOU stood in garden as couldn't bear to watch your furniture being broken????????????

The above really tells of your family dynamics and parental style.

OP, as much as you want to blame your child as its easier than blaming you and her dad(step), you and dad are a big part of this problem.

You can either live like this and ruin not only 1 childs life, but also DD2 life, and even if dad get custody, its still ruined.

Or you can face up to it and learn to deal with the problems in your household, lots of good advice on here on how to parent

I know i sound harsh, but you know what i don't care. I have saw too many situations like this and its all blamed on the child , this child then ends up with MH problems like your daughter(peeing on floor is a cry for help, not bad behaviour)

How very easy it is to blame lack of parental discipline, and how very easy it is to judge other peoples skills , or perceived lack of skills

I think the OP is well aware her child needs help , sometimes you just have to put yourself in other peoples positions

suki1001

darlyd wrote: »

DD1 is disgusting

I'm sorry, but this says it all to me. Ok, you feel like it is out of your league. To be in that position, she must really, really feel bad about herself. I could be wrong, but children push the boundaries when they don't feel safe. It must be awful to feel so angry all the time.
As a teenager who pushed the boundaries after my dad left, whose hygiene left a lot to be desired and was out of control, I can tell you the world is a very lonely place and it's not a nice place to be. The whole time, my mum did nothing but criticise me, send me to counselling. I felt like I spent the whole of my teenage years feeling angry and being blamed all the time, particularly as my sisters copied the way they behaved towards me from my mum. I did not feel good about myself.
What I could have done with was an awful lot of love and empathy and to feel a lot safer. I didn't know why I felt so anygry and out of control, but I could have done without having the finger pointed at me all the time. I'm not saying I wasn't awful to my mum, but we went round in circles who whole time. It's also not nice, when you parents seem to pefer their other children to you.
My mother never understood me. Learn to see how your daughter reacts and behaves, mirrors exactly how she's feeling inside. Can you imagine what an awful place that must be for her right now?

cheepskate_2

pelirocco wrote: »

How very easy it is to blame lack of parental discipline, and how very easy it is to judge other peoples skills , or perceived lack of skills


To just ignore such a huge part of the problem, isnt really doing justice to these children, If lack of parental disipline is there then to ignore it means the problem will NEVER be resolved and the problems will just jump to the little one, as we are seeing.

I also agree with the above, this child is feeling a lot of unhappy emotions, which is being lost in all the behaviour issues.

cobbingstones

Hi Daryl,

Have you been referred to the home school link service from your school? This service provides a worker who will work with you and the school. Having someone who will concentrate on your daughters issues, will be beneficial for all concerned.

Could you ask the school for a referral to a art theraptist? Some schools have budgets for extra
therapies for their pupils. Does the school have a counsellor? Have you tried something like face to face which is a free counselling service for young people. Would your daughter go?

I am not going to comment on your parenting or your child. All I can imagine is this must be dreadful for
both of you.

Is your daughter subject to a CAF or TAC ? If not, she needs to be.

Wishing you all the best op x

Ps are you receiving meds or help with your own mental health?

cobbingstones

Just to add your daughters behaviours are extremely worrying. I'm unsure what the root cause is, but I would suggest contacting your health visitor, gp, school, MP etc etc for the professional support your family needs. This kind of behaviour can be caused by so many things Daryl.

Best of luck, you can do this!

Darlyd

Can I just say DD2 was strapped in her booster seat AT THE BACK OF THE CAR. DD1 sat in the front, and when I told her no she was not getting £5 for hoovering downstairs, I never asked her to do this, the only reason why she did it was because she had not earned enough that week. (parent support, social worker etc helped me with a reward chart 50p a day depending on behaviour/chores, she did nothing so earned nothing, except for dusting, hoovering and tidying her room so only earned £1.50 for that) she was demanding this money, I said no, and said do not keep on about it etc, and then she flipped in the car, I could not stop there, was at a roundabout then onto a duel carriage way. I did say I would stop the car and she can get out.

We have CAHMS, CAFF, and that is it now, she was seeing someone from yisp (due to affending) but they can no longer work with her as she is non compliant.

Being told to ignore her wrecking the place, ignore her bad stuff, which we do, hence going out in the garden what not. And I praise her every time she is being good, I really do. And every Wednesday we have time just for us 2 out the house, and then we go to my bedroom, massage, play games, paint nails what ever she wants to do. But she has started to argue she wants to go back to youth club. I don't feel comfortable because she causes trouble there, she speaks to much, spreads lies about other kids etc. It's not just happening at home.

I feel I am banging my head against a brick wall here, being told to ignore, reward etc and it's all going wrong.

I need to come up with a new reward system instead of it being money, cus like I said she will just go do something and expect to be paid for it, forgetting that we all sat in a big meeting with all professionals and she agreed to things. Now she is not, and does not care, she wants to go into care, as she does not like the boundaries we have here.

Breaks my heart, when I am doing dinner for example, kids are in living room fighting over the tv, I end up turning it off, then DD1 starts on DD2, screaming at her, hurting her etc. I have to have DD2 in kitchen with me, etc, we are like prisoners.

It's really affecting us big time, my MH is under control, I am a calm person, very calm and laid back, BUT I do put my foot down when needed.

There is something going on with her, she has been a right handful since being a toddler, even her HV was trying to get help for me, but got us no where, she warned me we would have trouble with her. CAHMS are testing for ADHD, and other MH problems, he knows there is something there, but can't say 100% what until she has been evaluated by a psychotherapist/psychologist, waiting on an appointment.

spoke to my mum about her outburst over the weekend, where she grabbed my steering wheel, after I said to her (when she kicked my dash and was screaming) Stop it, you will cause an accident, she said I don't care and then grabbed my wheel. My Mother said, well you should of just given her the £5. !!!!!!? See I am getting conflicting advice from everyone, it's confusing me..

How an earth do we get respite? Just 1 day a fortnight, anything. MIL won't take her theatre or anywhere else any more because she goes to hyper for her.

Am sorry to pour my heart out, I have no one else I can talk to about this.

gingin_2

Do they share a room?

If you and dd2 are trapped in the kitchen then turn it into a positive thing for her. Do some baking, do some painting, play a board game.

It's good to open up on here if it helps you to feel better but I do think you post/ vent and then never act on any of the advice that is given to you and then you come back again in 2 months and say exactly the same thing. It's like you only hear what you want to hear.