Having problems with DD2 now :(

teabag29

I can relate to everything your saying darlyd. Take a look at this link, do you think this sounds anything like your dd? http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/related-conditions/pda-pathological-demand-avoidance-syndrome.aspx

cheepskate_2

darlyd wrote: »

Can I just say DD2 was strapped in her booster seat AT THE BACK OF THE CAR. DD1 sat in the front, and when I told her no she was not getting £5 for hoovering downstairs, I never asked her to do this, the only reason why she did it was because she had not earned enough that week. (parent support, social worker etc helped me with a reward chart 50p a day depending on behaviour/chores, she did nothing so earned nothing, except for dusting, hoovering and tidying her room so only earned £1.50 for that) she was demanding this money, I said no, and said do not keep on about it etc, and then she flipped in the car, I could not stop there, was at a roundabout then onto a duel carriage way. I did say I would stop the car and she can get out (QUOTE)



Not trying to badger you op, just trying to help. *I have a family member who sounds exactly like this + is probably worse, but doesnt do it with me or 1 other family member, as we both carry out anything we say

So the above, when did she get reprimanded for this and how. You said you went to asda, but never mentioned any punishment.
It seems that once the outburst is over, then life goes back to normal for her with no recourse.

Telling her you will stop the car and she can get out is nothing to her.......why ?.......cos its just a question, nothing more,
Its like an empty threat, type of thing,

As someone else said if you come on here and give the same probs, but never listen to the advice, then you are not going to get the sympathy you want.

Sometimes it sounds like you just want her statemented and someone else to deal with her, for an easy life.

If having a child like this you know what triggers your child, then you dont put yourself in such a dangerous situation.

Shes in the car, you know she may kick off over xyz. you would then postpone her q's until it was more convenient, such as at the parking lot in asda.

the_cat

Sorry OP for the confusion with which daughter was causing problems in the car. As you thread title was about DD2 I assumed it was her behaviour that you were describing

Are you looking for opinions/help on DD2 behaviour though or DD1?. I'm a bit confused because after the first few lines of your op you seem to have stopped discussing the younger child. I realise that the 2 are interconnected but I'm not sure what you are hoping to gain from the thread (aside from a much needed sounding board to deal with what must be an extremely frustrating situation)

Darlyd

I am always taking on advice, honest everything I am advised to try I try it. But it's all so conflicting.

I just needed to get it all off my chest, and share it, hoping for someone to come along with the same kind of problem and seen a way of fixing it all.

But like I keep saying, it is no good trying/making a paralysed man walk, impossible. CAHMS agree. Yisp have pulled out, they were getting no where as DD1 was non compliant, you talk to her, and she then speaks out changing the subject completely such as. " you do know stealing is wrong," She will then respond by saying, "I like your tie", she did this to the headmaster.

Her punishment is chosen by her, when she is calm, we say to her OK now everyone is calm and that is over with, you do realise that was wrong and you need to be punished for it, so what punishment do you think (as per parental groups), she will then respond by shrugging her shoulders, so I say no TV, and your not allowed out for 2 days, does that sound fair. She will then say yes. All good, till the next time. But it goes over her head.

Another example, she was grounded for something, and she smashed our front door, franticly I rang SS (before they got involved) for help, she was going totally mental, their response was call the police, so we did. Police were talking to her, she had her head down, then up and said where is my DS. And started singing over the police talking to her. Totally bolox! God she even kicked off when Social worker was here because she didn't like the fact social worker turned round and said to her you should show your parents more respect.

Thanks Teabag, I know you know. x

the_cat

I know a lot of people (especially 'experts') advocate ignoring bad behaviour. As a young parent I tried it with my eldest. It was absolutely and categorically the wrong thing for him. He had the most awful tantrums, including throwing stuff hard enough to dent the fridge/chucking himself at doors etc in his frustration at being ignored whilst I experimented with that particular way of doing things. As soon as he knew there were always going to be consistent consequences he packed it in

I appreciate that your DD has mental health issues and that this might affect how she is able to cope with the parenting techniques that I might have used (consistent follow through on punishing bad behaviour, never ignoring it, combined with praise/reward for good stuff) but cannot see how ignoring the level of behaviour you describe (ie. all leaving the house so that she can have free reign to trash it!) can cause anyone anything but harm and a deterioration of an already bad situation.

As for saying random stuff to get out of awkward conversations it seems on the surface really simple to me. She doesn't want to discuss something, so she has learnt to ignore it and deflect the attention onto some stupid random comment. That screams manipulation to me rather than anything else

patchwork_cat

You say that you have tried everything. Maybe that is the problem there is no consistancy.

The changing the subject when being told off seems like learnt behaviour to me, it has probably worked before. Surely no decent headmaster could be put off reprimanding by a comment like 'I like your tie'! Was this comment ignored and the reprimand continued as if she hadn't spoken, because IMO that is exactly how it should have been dealt with.

Have you sat down and listed her behaviours and triggers, because reading this it seems to me like she has several strategies to get her own way.

When my children were little and fighting in the back of the car, I would stop the car and not go an inch until they were behaving.

cheepskate_2

So op, your parenting doesn't work for DD1 because she has some form of illness, that NO parenting methods work for.

Whats the reason for your parenting not working with DD2.???????

What you are actually saying about the car incident is DD1 got no punishment for that incident at point of misbehaviour, .....then she was asked to choose her punishment hours later .......but totally dummed you.......again with no recourse


If I used these parental methods you have described over the last few pages, my well behaved child would be totally out of my control, and it wouldn't be through a disability of HIS.

I really cant comprehend your parenting

teabag29

cheepskate wrote: »

So op, your parenting doesn't work for DD1 because she has some form of illness, that NO parenting methods work for.

Whats the reason for your parenting not working with DD2.???????
.

Its easy to blame the parenting but seriously you have to have a child like this to understand that it really isnt parenting. A parent such as the op rarely gets to this stage without having exhausted every option. As for the younger sibling, as every parent knows children are like sponges and they soak up everything, she is more than likely copying her sisters behaviour that she has witnessed as children do.....thats a far cry from the problems op has raised about the eldest daughter.

Op as you know I am in a very similar situation and am finally starting to get some answers, I have dd booked in for a pda asessment in September. Your dd does also sound like she fits alot of the criteria for pda (particularly the changing the subject when done something wrong), the thing is it is very hard to get diagnosed as there aren't that many professionals out there who are able to diagnose it, hence the elizabeth newson centre Notts.

It may be worth while you having a look at some of the videos on youtube re pda. When I watched these it was like they could have been written for my dd, they really do help to make you understand why they behave the way they do too. Perhaps it is not this but quite clearly something is wrong, like your dd the signs were there from very young with my dd to.

Does your dd enjoy role play at all?

Anyway just wanted to offer my support, i'm here if you need to talk

ChloeB

I'm not sure if these ideas will be any good for you but I am also bringing up a child with behavioural problems although they are due to brain damage and he has other special needs too. Firstly I would say stop letting her pick her punishment, she isn't in charge you are and the sooner she realises that the better it will be. We made a reward chart of what was expected of him each day, things like manners, no hitting basic good behaviour rules really. If he achieved 5 out of the 7 then the last hour before bed each day was to do whatever he wanted to in, which in his case is playing board games. If he didn't then he didn't get the right to choose and we done something else. It is so hard to stick to the rules when they are going on and on at you but it is really important that the behaviour line never moves, they need to know that if they cross it the punishment will be following. Also learning to pick your fights, sometimes it is easy to be drawn in and that is what they desire the attention from you. I used to try and punish my son for everything that I didn't think was acceptable behaviour but soon found out I was on a losing battle, now I learn to pick my fights. Things like when he loses his temper he swears his head off which i used to punish but now I let pass but he knows if he touches anyone or anything then that is a major punishment. It doesn't always work as he doesn't always have total control over his temper but when he does he goes to his room and just lets rip as he knows swearing around his younger siblings is something that isn't right.

My son has many problems but he still knows what is right and what is wrong and from reading your other posts I believe your daughter must too as she was smirking that she had got you in trouble in another post. So your parenting skills must be there for her to do that and she must know what she is doing. I think you just need to try and be harder with her. Keep to one form of punishment and don't keep trying everything as that will just be confusing! I know what you mean about taking things away not working, my son can sit in an empty room with just his hands to play with and be happy but he is still sent to his room as it has to be a consistant punishment. She needs to know she is a child and you're the adult and your rules are the only rules. It is hard tho and I totally understand, sometimes our house it like a mini war zone still! The things I learnt were on a parenting course that his doctors managed to send me on maybe that might be an option for you too?

russiandolls

I am sorry that you're having a bad time but you seriously need to stop blaming you DD1 for everything. She is a product of her upbringing. I couldn't believe that you said "she has been a right handful since being a toddler", as if she has always been in some way inherently bad. You certainly speak of her as if she is the devil incarnate.

Something is obviously troubling her. You need to find out what the problem is and rectify it. Her changing topic with the headmaster seems like she didn't want to admit bad behaviour because then she wouldn't have to address the cause. I suspect it may be something to do with your family dynamics because both you and your DH seem to resent her. It can't be a very nice to be her .

I wish you luck.