Having problems with DD2 now :(

plumpmouse

darlyd wrote: »

DH keeps saying to me its DD1 that is affecting her, and he doesn't want her here anymore (not her real dad), and if I leave too he will fight me in court for DD2.

This leaps out at me. I'd be so angry if this was my husbands response. Your husband chose to take on and care for your daughter when he met you and committed to you. He can't just now not want her around - you don't just give up on your children. You also IMHO don't make threats to someone you care for and this is exactly what he is doing to you from what you have written.

I do have to wonder if he has had a big effect on her. It must be pretty rubbish to know you aren't wanted in your house by your own family. She probably feels utterly alone.

FWIW I also wouldn't let her "choose" her own punishment. She needs to know you are in charge.

I really hope you find a solution to things as I think your home sounds very unhappy for you all.

bunty109

plumpmouse wrote: »

This leaps out at me. I'd be so angry if this was my husbands response. Your husband chose to take on and care for your daughter when he met you and committed to you. He can't just now not want her around - you don't just give up on your children. You also IMHO don't make threats to someone you care for and this is exactly what he is doing to you from what you have written.

I do have to wonder if he has had a big effect on her. It must be pretty rubbish to know you aren't wanted in your house by your own family. She probably feels utterly alone.

FWIW I also wouldn't let her "choose" her own punishment. She needs to know you are in charge.

I really hope you find a solution to things as I think your home sounds very unhappy for you all.

I totally agree with the above!

My only other comment would be to pick up on the respite you talk about. Is your OH leaving all of the tantrum dealing by DD1 to you to deal with? It comes across that he seems to simply wash her hands of her and is leaving you to most of this, which is wearing you out and sending messages to her that she is unwanted. You need to be singing off of the same hymn sheet, agreeing what you want to do and sticking to it, and giving each other a break when you need it. Conflicting advice will matter a whole lot less if you've got solid strategies and support from each other in place.

I just can't help thinking that if your DD1 is in any way aware of your OH not wanting her there but willing to keep DD2 that this is only making things worse. If he's not prepared to give you a break by being left with her to deal with some if the tantrums then this is only reinforcing his not wanting her in her mind. All hypothetical, but another opinion!

arnoldy

"You must understand DD2 is a !!!!!!! nightmare to live with, she does not have me wrapped around her finger, She has lost her tv"

Personally I would not give a 12 year old "her TV". How about family time, reading, games together, family interaction? Cut out that and interact as a family. Also get rid of Mobiles, Facebook, Nintendo DS, Computers etc if she has them. You can make things a whole heap better by interacting as a family.

Darlyd

The choose your own punishment came from the professionals. Again conflicting advice.

Reward charts have been tried, still do them, I draw up a new one every week, and it's not just aimed at her it's aimed at everybody.

When I said it's been bad since she was a toddler, it really has, very hyperactive, she was excluded from play school for biting, kicking, pushing, screaming major tantrums.. Weird thing is, was just me and her living at home, she certainly didn't see anything out of ordinary.

I now and again speak to her step sister's Mother (Dads kids 16 and 15) and she has same problems with them, so it must be something in the genes. I dunno.

I wonder though, she had an MRI many years ago and it showed a tumour in her pilitry (sp) gland, they reckon was the answer to her early puberty (aged 6), but told me nothing to worry about. I need to write this down now to bring to CAHMS I don't think they are aware of this, I forgot about it, bad mum, bad mum.

I will have a look at that Teabag. I will email you too... Big hugs xx

patchwork_cat

darlyd wrote: »

I wonder though, she had an MRI many years ago and it showed a tumour in her pilitry (sp) gland, they reckon was the answer to her early puberty (aged 6), but told me nothing to worry about. I need to write this down now to bring to CAHMS I don't think they are aware of this, I forgot about it, bad mum, bad mum.

I will have a look at that Teabag. I will email you too... Big hugs xx

Do you mean pituitary gland? Have you reminded your GP about this?

Darlyd

GP is aware of this yes.
Apparently nothing to worry about (My uncle has one, but his causes him the shakes). I think I might go make a gp appointment for her but just I go. Can I do this? Got me worried now.

meritaten

oh Darlyd hun - I could cry for you! You have enough to contend with without being blamed for your childrens behaviour! People just dont understand how ASD children have a disability and blame the parents - even 'so-called psychiatric professionals'.
I honestly dont know how to help if you cannot get this young lady diagnosed - you may well have to 'section' her and that takes a sympathetic GP. and as they wont do house calls you cant call them out when she is wrecking the place to observe her behaviour - and when they act nicey nicey at the surgery - the doc doesnt believe you do they?
It may be that next time she is having a major tantrum you have to call the police - quietly, to observe how she is, and let them call in a doctor. or social services - and the fact social services have washed their hands of you - may well work in your favour there.

patchwork_cat

darlyd wrote: »

GP is aware of this yes.
Apparently nothing to worry about (My uncle has one, but his causes him the shakes). I think I might go make a gp appointment for her but just I go. Can I do this? Got me worried now.

Are you worried about the tumour? The only reason I mentioned have you reminded your GP is the pituitary gland is majorly important in controlling hormones and potentially could impact on her behaviour, I don't know, but perhaps they need reminding as it might just give some answers.

Benign pituitary tumours are relatively common, but most are without symptoms, is this an hereditary one have they said?

Lunar_Eclipse

I have no personal experience with children with severe behavioural issues, but I think it's important to recognise that conflicting advice is available on most subjects. Try not to focus on how different all the various approaches are, but on what you believe in deep down, for your family. Parenting is hugely emotive and incredibly subjective.

Personally, I don't agree with paying children for doing chores. That's not fair to those who don't get paid to do them. However, there are many parents who believe it instills a good work ethic in their children.

I also don't agree with reward charts (beyond the toddler years) either. I know some people love them, but I think they're unnecessary. Life can be simple. A natural consequence of good behaviour is that people enjoy each other's company and do fun things together. This should not have to be earnt, you can't put a price on relationships, which is all humans want at the most basic level anyway.

I also don't believe in "punishment", because that is tied up with trying to control children. Human beings do not need to be controlled, they need to be loved, heard and guided. An authoritarian approach doesn't sit well with my personal value system of fairness & respect, but again, I know parents who swear by this method.

I discipline my children and like all their relationships with people (friends, teachers, family), natural consequences work brilliantly in guiding their behaviour, in my experience.So using the driving incident, the natural consequence of the daughter's actions were either that she stopped misbehaving so driving could continue, she got out of the car, or everyone went home. I know this can be very frustrating, but it is incredibly simple and effective. It also removes the personal and/or emotional element to many situations.

This is just my opinion, but it might help you clarify (either way) what you believe is right for your family.

My heart totally breaks for you and I wish you the best of luck in turning things around. I would be furious with the husband.

bouncing_bubbles

Hi sorry i havnt read entire thread and know nothing of your history.

This may be way out but I work with young people in care and used to visit youth offenders.

Has she ever been harmed by someone close to her - any possibility she was abused? It can cause young people to act out and not let people in.

Im not saying it has happened - but is it a possibility?

Also I know nothing of your personal situation but how did her father leave, how much contact does he have? did someone else close to her leave without (in her mind) reasonable explation?

Defensive tatics if you like. If she pushes you away and hurts you - you cant get close and hurt her, she hurts you first. Also she has a self furfilling proficy - no one thinks shes good enough - everyone hates her/is disapointed in her etc etc. she has all the outsiders looking in judging her and looking down at her. knowing whats best. Deep down maybe she knows its wrong and is disapointed in her own behaviour hence the random comments when challenged on things.

As I said this may be way off the mark but it could be worth exploring.

PS sorry for the poor grammer and spelling - Ive had a long day.
Good luck x