Should she stay over?

rev229

I am in my 40s married for 16yrs and OH and I have to have seperate beds when we visit my mothers home in Ireland!!! DS 15 asked if his girlfriend could pop into his bedroom when she called round! I said no but they could use the playroom downstairs to watch a DVD! He assured me that if in the bedroom they would not be having sex as me and DH where at home:eek:. I did say to him that I wasn't stupid and did he think parents don't have sex while the kids are at home!! he looked rather shocked and said 'fair point'!!! He hasn't mentioned girls in the bedroom again!!!

*Beki*

I'm 25 and my boyf and I still have to sleep in separate rooms when we stay at my parents (which we don't really do anymore!). His parents on the other hand are much more relaxed.

When I was 16 I used to cycle an hour to visit my boyfriend in the next village, and we would sneak off into the fields ;-) I think that being accommodating and discussing things with your children will be more productive than just saying "no". At 16 plus, they're becoming adults and as such your approach to discussions needs to reflect that. Otherwise they will just find an alternative, such as staying at hers all the time, so you won't see him so much or know what they're getting up to.

lilibet1

Good post Beki, I think you are right the op ds will end up spending most of his time at his gf house...which if he goes off in a huff at this age might be a blessing in disguise:)

Bangton

I met my current and most serious boyfriend when I was 17 and he was 19. My dad refused to let him stay so I always ended up staying at his. My parents knew where I was and I always found it odd that they would let me sleep at his but not at my own home with him. Consequently I spent alot of time away from home, living from a bag which was really awkward. After a month together I wouldn't have bothered asking or stropped about it but as time went on I would have appreciated them changing their mind but purely because I felt I was losing touch with my family as I was never there (my boyfriend lived over an hr away).

Based on my experience I'd be inclined to tell him to come back to me in a few months and I'd consider it!

bigmomma051204

Not sure what i would do (and havent read all the thread) BUT it made me think of my experience of this.....

I moved out when i was 20yrs (having never been allowed to have a bf sleep over tho i did sleep at my longterm boyfs alot which my parents knew and were fine with - go figure lol!) but moved back when i was 22yrs - i was pregnant and newly single. I lived with them for 3 and a half years after my son was born and only in the last 6 months i was there, out of all that time did they "allow" me to have my long term boyf (now hubby) to stay over! I guess they kind of thought that although the horse had bolted, they were still gonna keep that stable door closed off for as long as possible lol!!!

Person_one

albionrovers wrote: »

Call me old-fashioned, I'm a Dad with 2 daughters ...

Not on your life.

You're old fashioned.

I don't really see the big deal, as long as she's also 16. I started sleeping at my boyfriend's house and he at mine when we were 16. Shockingly, we did indeed have sex, however nobody got pregnant, nobody got any STDs, nobody descended into a life of crime and we both somehow turned into normal adults!

We didn't stay over on weeknights though, just because it would have been a pain to have an extra person in the queue for the shower the morning after!

If you've had the serious talks with him about contraception and being emotionally ready, etc etc. then try to relax a bit! He's bound to do the deed sooner or later, surely its better in his own home knowing he can talk to his mum afterwards if he has any issues?

Carl31

daisiegg wrote: »

But what if your values don't allow for people having sex before marriage? Even if 'they are going to do it anyway' (which I totally agree with, btw) you don't have to acknowledge or condone it?

I knew a couple who were in their mid twenties and had been together something like 7 or 8 years. They were engaged (are now married) and owned a house together. Yet when they stayed with her parents they STILL had to sleep in separate rooms. I sometimes wonder if they are allowed to sleep together when they visit now that they're married! (am no longer in touch as the woman in question is my ex's sister)

My point is, in your own home you are entitled to live by your values and, to an extent, make the people (particularly dependent minors!) who live in your home live by those values too whilst under your roof, even if you know that they are doing whatever they want elsewhere (or when your back is turned...)

Well quite right, if you have values then there must be reason, if theres a reason then its justified.

But what if your values exist purely due to your opinion? It maybe that your opinion isnt shared, and isnt justified. Is that fair?

Quite often values and behaviours are learnt from parents, but you also have to consider the world changes and sometimes these values need to

Im just generalising here on the subject as a whole

cottonhead

I wouldnt believe their reason that 'its easier' so as not to cause trouble arranging lifts etc.
(please dont feel offended as I ovbioulsy dont know your lad and dont wish to put him down - Im just saying what I believe of the typical 16 year old ) I would say its becauase they want to feel grown up. If she is allowed to stay thats the kind fo thing each of them will talk to their mates about and its quite impressive at that age ! Ok if they want to have sex they will do it regardless of if you allow her to stay or not - they will just find somewhere else, so I dont think its even that much to do with sex.
I would never allow my daughter to have have a boy in the house as I find it quite disrespectful ( I am quite religious so perhaps my views are not the majority) and totally not needed. Space or no space. Ok if they hang out but by allowing such an intimate thing to happen you are saying hey its potentially OK to have sexual relations on a casual basis in my home. Yes they are girlfriend / boyfriend but at 16 obviously not that serious. Say they spilt up and your lad gets a new girlfriend and asks the same question with a new girl in 6 months time. Then again in a year and so on and so on.... ( dont mean to suggest he sleeps about but at 16 he will probably have several partners before he marries ) doenst show a good example to the younger kids either. Also what if she got pregnant - it would be harder to deal with knowing that you let it happen in your home.
Thats my view but I accept we are all different. I would say though that if you have doubts it must be for a reason and dont give in becauase he went off in a huff. He has to respect your rules whatever they may be.

mintymoneysaver

My now 18 year old daughter is with her second serious boyfriend. I do have religious values regarding sex, which she appreciates ( although probably doesn't feel the same!) However, I have allowed both this boyfriend, and the one before to stay in our house when they've been out at a party or something like that. However, the boyfriends have slept downstairs on a blow up mattress, while she's had her own bed! She has also stayed at their houses, but again I know she had a room to herself, or a camp bed, or had to share with a sister. She knows that while she's still living under my roof then no boy will be staying in the same room as her, and she respects that. She's due to go off to uni in September though, and I won't know what she's up to then, so I won't be able to worry about it!

daisiegg

No matter where your values come from surely as long as they are legal (and not immoral etc!) you can enforce them in your own home?