“I get to do what I want to do on a weekend”

gardenia101

I had an OH like this - & divorced him after many years of trying to get him to see what he was missing out on by choosing not to take part in family life.

When he wanted to he could be a great dad - but only when it suited him & he wasn't doing anything else more interesting.

Life felt harder initially as a single parent - juggling work & childcare, trying to get babysitters for nights out - then I realised I wasn't actually any worse off as he'd never been around anyway, or he'd say he'd be back to help & somehow work/friends just overtook him & he'd not come back in time.

I hope you can talk & sort all this out, as splitting up but still being parents certainly isn't easy (but it is grand to be able to put the 'phone down mid lecture ). Talk & talk, then talk some more. Think through how life would be if you weren't together anymore, then talk some more.

I know that I made the right decision - my kids report back how little time he spends with them when they stay with him, & how most of the "stuff" that goes with looking after kids is dumped on his current wife. The most heartbreaking part of it is that he still doesn't get family life or see what hes lost (I mean the kids, not me). The kids ask him to do things with them & he just looks up from his laptop & says later .

He now has another wife & child - & my friends & I are running a sweep on how long it will lasts (I'll go straight to Hell for that one :rotfl:)

OP - best wishes & be totally honest with him about how you feel about everything. You can only make the best decision for you & your DS if you know the truth about how both you & your OH feel & what you both want.

mildred1978

jellyhead wrote: »

This is what the thread is about really

I hope you two have talked now?

We've started to, yes. Thanks.

Spendless

mildred1978 wrote: »

I tried that the other weekend. He fed LO chocolate for breakfast and took him to my mother's = nothing done in the house and it was all there for me when I got back.

Oh yes they can be very good at doing rubbish tasks or not at all. I once returned from a rare night at the cinema to find my then 5yo fast asleep in bed still fully clothed in her school uniform and my 8yo still up playing on facebook having been set up with a false age by OH earlier that evening. OH was fast asleep and pleaded man flu when I complained at his lack of babysitting skills. Tell your mother not to be in, go out with her if ness and leave your dh to deal with a hyper kid or messy nappies and don't do anything on your return, but make it clear you are expecting him to do something, give him an alternative eg'are you going to make the beds or do the dishes whilst I'm out?' Then I'd echo the advice to talk to him as resentment is brewing.

mountainofdebt

Clobbler his CC but do it by buying an extra set of clothes for him

That way you can be washing / ironing one set whilst he's away and have the weekend free.

Alternatively you can send it away to be washed / ironed whilst he's away

Either way you aren't rushing to get it cleaned and ironed in 48 hrs

nat21luv

I had a OH like this. I was a SAHM with an 8yr old and 1yr old, 2 foreign students, and baking business in Devon whilst he worked awy in London. It was ok when he first started commuting, he'd come home we were both pleased to see each other. But as time went on we found our roles, his was making the money, mine was looking after life. All he had to do was work and look after himself, I did the rest, even organising his travel for him! But we started to grow apart when he started looking after himself too much, spending money on himself buying expensive clothes with money we couldnt afford to spend. He claimed it was his hard earned money and he would spend it as he liked. Meanwhile, any money I earned went straight on bills/food, went without hair cuts for months and ate value food. As I started to become more like a single parent, doing things and going places without him as he wasnt around, he started to do the same in London. He'd go to bars, cinema, eat out constantly. I resented him for having 'me time' whilst my 'me time' was when I slept. When he did come home he would throw his weight around, take charge of cleaning, washing(making washing for the sake of it) and generally very alpha male. He became really angry, grumpy and stroppy and I use to give a sigh of relief when I saw him board the train back to London. This went on for months until I couldnt take it anymore. We seperated. Found out he became like he did because when he came home he felt like he didnt belong there, everything was done already. (My fault, I stupidly thought by having everything done meant we would have more 'us time') Said he didnt feel like part of the family anymore because our lives went on without him. He was going out because he was lonely but felt wanted wherever he went. So maybe if you asked for your OH's help, said you were struggling(even if your not) and NEEDED him, maybe that might be a starting block to getting you back on track?

I hope you guys dont go the same way but bear in mind he's a man and men have simple needs. I've known this for years but didnt realise just how simple that meant!

elfen

Hmmm......

Me and the OH talked about this....I think what we both agreed on was........he needs to grow a pair, buck up or !!!! off. He does nothing and he expects the world....so, take LO to his granny's where he can get spoilt, then take yourself to a spa so you can get spoilt, and tell him to wash his own bloody shirts....unless he thinks the washing machine is a magial item that runs on its own and picks up the clothes to put them in...

merlot123

coolcait wrote: »

This^^

You were away visiting friends most of this week, and you have given that as the reason why you couldn't do your on-line shopping before the weekend.

You haven't said how much it impacted on your ability to do your Director's work, or your ad hoc consultancy.

It would certainly have had an impact on your ability to do the housework, or organise your three household's worth of stuff. You weren't there to deal with it.

Still, it gave you time to get away with your LO, and be with friends.

You have given a lot of excuses to explain why you couldn't possibly change how you are, how you live your life, or the way you manage your time. Your entire focus is on how you can get your husband to change.

Yet, rather than try to speak to him, you prefer to spend hours on here, having a go at him. While blaming him for it all.

I totally agree with the above.

I think you need to change as well, if I was you I would stay in a little more during the week and get the bits done you need to get done, therefore you can do something as a family at the weekends instead of resenting your husband for not doing this or that.

Being a SAHM is blinking hard work and lonely at times, if you cannot deal with that (and some can't) maybe its time you sort out some childcare and went back into paid work.

If going back to work doesn't appeal at this moment, why not get a cleaner for a few hours a week, it will help you.

You have lots of options available to you, but I think its deeper than what your husband isn't doing to help.

Having children nearly always impact more on the mothers life than the fathers, yours has changed greatly and his not so much, I think you are also resenting him a bit for that fact too.

merlot123

Kirri

Would he even want to do more things at the weekend even if all the housework was super organised though, somehow I don't get the feeling he would, as from what has been posted, he WANTS to do his own thing.

BugglyB

I'm really a firm believer that it doesn't matter one jot who does what in terms of bringing in the money and doing the housework and childcare as long as everyone feels like the other person appreciates what they are doing.

The problem here is that he doesn't appreciate everything that you do, and obviously feels you take him for granted. You dont know each others internal narratives and that is dangerous.

Yours: he doesn't appreciate me, I do everything for him, I just want ten minutes to myself, he has a great life going out and about and I'm stuck here, he ought to be grateful to have me

Now in your heart of hearts do you really think his is: woohoo, I get to go out and all over the place and I've hoodwinked her into doing all the housework and everything!!!! go me!!!!!

Or do you think it could be closer to: I'm so tired from work, I work so hard, what does she do at home all day, oh no I've got that bloody website to do for so and so, really ought to spend more time with the kids, I work so hard so she gets to stay at home, not every man would do that, she ought to be grateful to have me

You need to make space not to talk to him but to listen to him.

Sambucus_Nigra

Kirri wrote: »

Would he even want to do more things at the weekend even if all the housework was super organised though, somehow I don't get the feeling he would, as from what has been posted, he WANTS to do his own thing.

Who doesn't want to do their own thing - it's just his own thing seems to have nothing to do with his partner and child.