“I get to do what I want to do on a weekend”

Kirri

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Who doesn't want to do their own thing - it's just his own thing seems to have nothing to do with his partner and child.

Yep, but I was just responding to everyone who keeps suggesting the OP get even more organised with the laundry, I don't think it would make any difference! He's not just coming home and not doing things, he's actively booking holidays with his mates, that's not really the actions of a man with commitment to his family! (not saying he shouldn't be able to go but he needs to have a bit of balance, ie book a holiday with the OP/child too).

We all want to do our own thing but if you've committed to a child, you have to also be prepared to grow up and work together on everything at home, if the OP walks out he'd have to work the washing machine then!

Taadaa

I haven't read all of this lengthy thread, but I wouldn't advise you to just bog off for the weekend and leave a note. Giving him a dose of his own medicine isn't going to work in this case - he will only retort with 'well you do it, so what's your beef?'

You have said you have started to talk, which is great news. Perhaps you can draw some boundaries so that there is clear time when you get some time to yourself and he spends some time with your son.

It sounds like he is living a single life - saying 'well you could've come if you wanted to' isn't on - what you do with your leisure time should be a joint decision, not his decision and you like it or lump it. There will be times when he wants to go off and do his own thing, but there will be times when you want to do that as well, and he should have respect for that.

Metranil_Vavin

Hope you managed to have some kind of chat last night OP, and today is a better day.

Weekends are so precious, it's a shame to have to have rows/strops on them, although from my own experience this is when most occur!

fluffnutter

mildred1978 wrote: »

! This is what my OH has just said to me as he stropped off with his laptop.

He works away most weeks, and I’m a SAHM to our little boy (20 months). So while he is away working, going for drinks and food with colleagues and getting full nights of sleep I’m at home doing everything else.

At weekends I’m generally catching up on washing and housework and allowing him and our LO some father-son time.

Yesterday we visited friends near where OH was working, thinking it would be nice to have dinner and drive home all together. OH finished work at 10pm (instead of 5pm) so I ended up driving the 160 miles home (got back at 12.30am and managed a motorway sandwich for dinner – nice). Son has a cold and nasty cough at the moment and was very disturbed in the night. He slept in with me and OH (with no thought whatsoever) slept in one of the spare rooms.

Son went down for a nap at 2.30. I’ve put in an online food order, switched 2 loads of washing and started tidying up. OH got his laptop out, and when I asked what he was doing (not in an accusatory way) he shouted “I get to do what I want to do on a weekend” as he stomped off upstairs. He’s promised a mate a website, which he has no time to build, so I’m guessing that’s what he’s prioritising today.

This morning he was talking about playing PS3 games online with his brother.

Next weekend he’s going away with friends and a brother or 2 for a lads weekend. So I’ll be doing everything for 12 days straight.

Am I right to be so upset/annoyed/frustrated? Is it all my responsibility to cook every meal, make sure clothes are washed and toys put away while he sits on his @rse watching TV (it’s barely on during the week) and doing favours for mates?


He was the one that was desperate to have a child. And now we have him it's like he wants something different.


He's going to love finding his dirty shirts and socks still in his suitcase on Monday morning

I'm actually very sympathetic to your situation and I think your husband needs to understand the effort and hard work that looking after a child can be.

However, I do think that you need to appreciate that "he is away working, going for drinks and food with colleagues and getting full nights of sleep" is not all it's cracked up to be. My OH works away during the week and desperately misses his home. Hotels are lonely, boring places to be, and when our first baby arrives in June I know it's going to break his heart even further to not be around every day.

Start asserting yourself. You're not just a domestic drudge, and it's not unreasonable to want a little more input and engagement from your husband when he's home at weekends. But you can't change him by nagging or sulking or going on strike - just start changing your own behaviour which will in turn encourage him to examine his own.

I really think you two could do with talking more and understanding each other's lives a little.

Gigervamp

fluffnutter wrote: »

Hotels are lonely, boring places to be, and when our first baby arrives in June I know it's going to break his heart even further to not be around every day.

OP said he doesn't stay in a hotel, he stays with friends.

onlyroz

There are a number of issues here. You both seem to think that the other has the better life, and you have different expectations about how your time when you are together should be spent.

Firstly, some practical advice for during the week - if you're spending significant amounts of time on your business then perhaps you should consider using some form of childcare? E.g. designate monday and tuesday as "work" time, and send your child to a childminder. Then during this time you can fully focus on your business, consultancy, and your "decluttering" project without distractions. So you are then left with wed-fri to focus on your "mum" duties, keeping up with the housework, etc etc.

I also question why you are doing your husband's laundry - surely he can find a way to do this at some point during the week? You could either: grit your teeth and carry on doing it; just stop doing it and wait for his reaction when his clothes are still dirty on monday morning; or properly discuss with him how you think the more mundane housework tasks should be apportioned between you.

But above all else, rather than spend time ranting to random strangers on the internet you should be discussing with HIM what BOTH of your expectations are in this relationship. I expect that both of you have seething resentments towards the other that really do need bringing out into the open. If nothing changes then you will probably carry on as you are for a few more years before one or both of you crack.

fluffnutter

Gigervamp wrote: »

OP said he doesn't stay in a hotel, he stays with friends.

Yeah, I've just read that. It probably makes his life a little easier, but it's still miserable to be separated from your kid all week.

January20

fluffnutter wrote: »

Yeah, I've just read that. It probably makes his life a little easier, but it's still miserable to be separated from your kid all week.

So you'd think he would want to spend a lot of his free time at the weekend with his child wouldn't you? So why doesn't he?

For me, it's the "I get to do what I want at the weekend" that sticks out. Those who have read some of my post will know that I am not one to advocate sacrificing oneself to the raising of children, but he has to realise that once you have a child, a child that he clearly wanted, you do not get to do what you want at the weekend anymore! Well, not all of the time anyway!

He needs to grow up and realise that he is not a childless man anymore. Perhaps working away makes him feel like a free single man and he cannot adapt to the reality at the weekend?

Well, OP as single man would do his own washing, ironing, cooking and looking after himself That would be my starting point because I would want to get to do what I want at the weekend too, and that would never be household chores!

Person_one

fluffnutter wrote: »

Yeah, I've just read that. It probably makes his life a little easier, but it's still miserable to be separated from your kid all week.

It is for most dads, I'm sure, but this dad then separates himself from his kid when he has the chance to see him, so maybe not.

Tuesday_Tenor

January20 wrote: »

For me, it's the "I get to do what I want at the weekend" that sticks out.

It's a really, really resentful and apparently selfish and childish thing to say.

However, on re-reading the posts I've realised the significance of the context a bit more clearly. Just at the moment it's the OP who's been away seeing friends during the week. How important this break was to her or what the impact on the rest of her life was we don't know, but it's clear that her husband thinks HE'S getting the raw deal just at this moment. I don't think he is at all, I think his perceptions seem to be very selfish and unreasonable, but OP sounds unreasonable at times too. As someone else said, these two need to LISTEN to each other to work out their expectations and priorities together.