“I get to do what I want to do on a weekend”

daska

duchy wrote: »

TBH you are making life harder for yourself with a 10-10 schedule. Mine would sleep 6-7 and those evenings once he was asleep were my sanity time as well as catch up time.

TBH it's a huge assumption to assert that, just because you did it that way, it's right for the OP. It depends on the parents and the child as to what the best schedule is. Especially if, at weekends, dad wants to stay up late and have a lie-in. Changing to a 6-7 schedule will do nothing to improve the current situation, if he doesn't want to play dad at the weekend then having the child up early will just aggravate things.

cheeswright

Hi Mildred
Just read through most of this, and apologise if i'm restating stuff thats already been said

Its a horrible situation to be in - and I can only speak from my own experience...I realised I wasnt living the life I wanted to, and I couldnt change my DH who worked stupidly long hours and was rarely there for me and the kids - and I really really tried to change him
I seemed to be spending my life waiting for someone who was never there...sound familiar?

So I
1. stopped caring ( this nearly ended our relationship) didnt stop loving him - just stopped expecting him to be there for us - and with two kids and no relatives this was a hell of an undertaking !
then
2. built my own life as I wanted it to be - my own friends - own holidays with kids - own social life - p.t. job etc and just greeted my DH as he wafted through our lives

then
he realized our side of the fence was WAAAAAAAY greener than his - and - wanted to join in ... which he can do, but on our terms not his - he has to reorganise his life to be with us and he really wants to and tries really hard to do this as often as he can - and I dont resent the time he dosnt spend with us

weve both changed in the process - I'm Much much stronger,
he's a much better dad / husband and we dont resent each other - because we dont need each other - we just like to be together

I dont know if this will help - and its certainly not a path I would have chosen - but I think with the increasing hours men - who are still much higer paid - have to work to support their families - its going to be more and more common

findingmyownway

What does your husband do for a living? Is this working away a permanent thing, or temporary? How does he feel about it all?

mildred1978

findingmyownway wrote: »

What does your husband do for a living? Is this working away a permanent thing, or temporary? How does he feel about it all?

IT consultant, currently very much in demand. He goes where the work is.

andy.m_2

You need to organise your time better.

Lunar_Eclipse

mildred1978 wrote: »

Not at all. He'd rather I visited friends and family mid week as it reduces the number of weekends needed to travel around the country.

I understand that, but perhaps he'd rather you didn't go at all if it meant you didn't have time to do your household duties before he came home for the weekend.

Whilst I don't agree with his 'the weekends are mine' mindset in the slightest, it sounds like you need to agree what your individual responsibilities are.

I'm currently a SAHM so whilst I don't think it's my responsibility to cook all the meals and do all the dishes at the weekend (I consider us jointly accountable), I know it is not fair to expect my husband to do the hoovering/laundry/bathroom cleaning at the weekend since that should be done during the week when he's at work. It falls under my area of responsibility, not that we've even discussed it to be honest (though he has made it known and I think he's right, even though it really riles the feminist in me.)

As much as I despise doing housework and find it quite derogatory, I see it as a very minor downside to the wonderful upside of not having to sell my soul to an employer 5 days a week every week, and spending hours every day with my children. Parenting is exceptionally hard, but it is the biggest luxury in the world to be able to raise them without working. I try to remind myself of that every time I feel hard done by. (And as a single parent, I'd have to work full time.)

suki1001

I found when my oh was doing sales and my children were small that we were both leading completely different lifestyles. We used to compete on who had had the least amount of sleep. I used to have to try and see the value of being a SAHM and the importance of bringing them up, because I found it frustrating. I didn't just want to be cook, cleaner and carer.

I was tired and if honest, a little disorganised, a bit of a procrastinator. He worked long hours, hated traveling and staying in hotels. I thought he was living the high life, but he wasn't. It took a lot of understanding from both sides to appreciate what we were doing. He did think I was out visiting friends and that that was my social time. He didn't realise I needed a social life without the children. Of course you need to get out, your child does need stimulating, but if I'm honest, I did it because I'd have gone stir crazy if I'd have stayed in all day.

It's a really hard time when they're young. Communication is such a big key. It does get a lot easier though. My oh hated his traveling job so much, that he ended up working for himself from home. He rarely has to go and meet clients now. If you stop seeing each other as having the high life, then you may appreciate each other more. It is very difficult when you have a small child though. I am not a natural housewife, so found it quite frustrating. He does need to appreciate you more. However, it might be worth reading up on procrastinating and you may find the motivation to get all your stuff sorted. Even if some of the other house work gets left for a week or two, or if you say to him, I'm sorting x out, I might just need a little bit more help with the housework, could we spend one morning doing X (cleaning/washing) at the weekend. You'll feel better once it's done.

emsywoo123

mildred1978 wrote: »

My most productive time of the day is 9pm-1am. Always been a night owl. As a bby I slept from midnight till noon and nothing ever changed that. My son is just like me, so hat won't be changing. I will however get up an hour earlier so I can get stuff done before he is up.

IIRC from a previous thread, you were thinking about changing it ready for nursery/school?

Sambucus_Nigra

andy.m wrote: »

You need to organise your time better.

Post of the year. :T:T:T

mildred1978

emsywoo123 wrote: »

IIRC from a previous thread, you were thinking about changing it ready for nursery/school?

No, I actually said we would alter it if we needed to when it came to school. He's not 2 yet, lots can change naturally in the next 3 years and we might not need to change anything much anyway!