“I get to do what I want to do on a weekend”

Tigsteroonie

JC9297 wrote: »

So presumably they have a washing machine he could use?

I like the idea of him having two complete sets of clothes to swap, so that the worn set can be washed & ironed during the week rather than having to rush this task over the weekend.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Mildred are many of your weekends like this? Are you on your own all week and then coping with this upset and atmosphere when your husband is home. Have things moved beyond you two being able to communicate and more importantly being able to or wanting to listen to the other person. That is not a dig or insult, just that sometimes that is what happens in marriages. Has you relationship got to the point where you may need to go for marriage counselling, like Relate?

As I have mentioned previously I am not a mum so dont fully appreciate all you cope with and juggle. Nor do I fully appreciate how your husband feels and what his perceptions of all this may be. I was once a child in a home where my parents had very similar lives to the ones you and your husband are living at the moment. I remember from a very early age hearing how my parents spoke to each other. How little regard they had for each other. I watched them both struggle and never fully address the problems. It made family life horrible.

Whichever way you do it, whether biting the bullet and having a huge heart to heart or contacting Relate, try to sort these problems out. For all your sakes hun.

aliasojo

Am I the only one who doesn't think this is about practical stuff? :undecided

It seems to me that this isn't really about who does what or any of the other practical annoyances, it's more about how the OP's husband sees her and their son.

It's kinda like he views them as background to his life and not as the important part of his life iyswim. The choices he makes don't suggest he holds either of them in high regard.

Really think you need to talk properly to him OP and about stuff deeper than just cleaning or childcare.

Pixiechic

It's a tough one and I can understand why you are unhappy.

As you are still shouldering nearly half the financial burden I can't see how you could be classed as a traditional SAHM.

All I can think is that as he works away so often he doesn't seem to have settled/adjusted into his father role.

I don't have children but I do know that the first couple of years bringing up a child can be pretty tough. I am sure a few on here will know. It's a big change in your lives but not a change that you should shoulder alone.

Talking to him (as calmly as possible) is the only way to try and solve it.

Maybe suggest a spa weekend break for you after he gets back from his holiday? You need to have your breaks too.

Good luck!

Brighton_belle

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

I know what I would do - first I'd get a good cleaner and get her to help me sort through the stuff that wants clearing out. I'd put everything that I no longer want on freecycle and let someone come and take it away. I used to have one room in my house stacked floor to ceiling with stuff from a previous existence and I couldn't stand it, but I couldn't deal with it either. So that's what I did, I got my cleaner to help me and we did it together. It is a beautiful serene meditation room now, where I go and shut the world out :-)

This is good advice re getting on top of the overwhelming clutter (I appreciate this isn't the primary problem, I agree with aliasjo) but I think it is likely to be affecting your sense of welbeing in general).
I would take it one step futher an employ a professional decluttering company - I've used one and it was well worth the money. They help you decide how you want to live in the house in terms of 'too much stuff' and then help you achieve it. They don't take over and chuck everything in site,lol, you remain in control of the process: they help you focus on facing up to the sometimes difficult process decluttering and simplifying is.

If you want to know the company I used please feel free to PM me.

meritaten

mildred1978 wrote: »

I don't think he sees me at all.

how sad - but how telling!

I think mildred, that you think your OH has stopped seeing you as 'Mildred'. That he now sees you as Mum, Wife, Company Director (do you get paid for this?), Cleaning service, Laundry service,Taxi service (to ferry LO 160 miles on his whim), house clearance company..................but NOT 'Mildred'!

I hate to say this - but some men do see thier wives differently after they have had a child. Its been so well documented that its called 'Madonna Syndrome'.
You havent said whether your marraige is still on the same sexual terms as before (somehow I dont think it is). I could be entirely on the wrong track - in which case I apologise.

gingin_2

I have read your previous posts and I think our partners do a similar job. I am a SAHM but also director of the company and have had the same issues as you. My husband stays in London most of the week, I've brought the children up virtually by myself and do absolutely everything around the house - he can't switch off from work at the weekend, can't bear to take a day off, so I parent 98% of the time. I lost it with my husband last weekend, I think it was years of frustration that had built up, thankfully my husband listened, admitted he is in the wrong and is trying his best this weekend. Just nip it in the bud now, or you might be like it 12 years down the line - like me!

coolcait

Caroline73 wrote: »

...You are talking to the wrong person. You could have had this out with your husband in the time you've spent discussing it on here. You won't sort anything unless you discuss it with him.

This^^

You were away visiting friends most of this week, and you have given that as the reason why you couldn't do your on-line shopping before the weekend.

You haven't said how much it impacted on your ability to do your Director's work, or your ad hoc consultancy.

It would certainly have had an impact on your ability to do the housework, or organise your three household's worth of stuff. You weren't there to deal with it.

Still, it gave you time to get away with your LO, and be with friends.

You have given a lot of excuses to explain why you couldn't possibly change how you are, how you live your life, or the way you manage your time. Your entire focus is on how you can get your husband to change.

Yet, rather than try to speak to him, you prefer to spend hours on here, having a go at him. While blaming him for it all.

jellyhead

mildred1978 wrote: »

I don't think he sees me at all.

This is what the thread is about really

I hope you two have talked now?

Lunar_Eclipse

mildred1978 wrote: »

I pay 40% of the household bills and work for our business/run our home while my OH goes out to work and has a social life too. Does that sound like a fair deal?

It's impossible to say, on the face of the information available.

In terms of your financial contribution, it depends (in my opinion) on whether you are working for that contribution or it's coming passively through your redundancy payment. How much time you spend working and on your house renovation project is important, for anyone to judge what is fair.

If you are effectively a SAHM (in terms of how you spend your time), then I think most of the household chores are part of your job description. Very few people can afford the luxury of a Stay At Home Child Entertainer. Laundry, food shopping, cleaning etc all generally fall under the remit of a stay at home parent.

My husband used to work away from home during the week. He absolutely hated it and considered it a 24/5 job. All the dinners, pints in the pub etc he considered 100% work related and not personal down time (as I originally thought.)

I don't think your situation sounds fair, but I also think you both have unrealistic expectations and resentment on both sides.

I think you need to talk it through, when you both are calm and have time.