DD b/f issue

lady1964

sophief333 wrote: »

Sounds to me that a lot of the concern if over who pays for who's alcohol! Do you all drink THAT much? If so, I think you have bigger problems....

If you read my posts properly, you'll see I mention food a lot too; meals out, meals in the house, staying 2 or 3 nights a week, eating dinner, getting take-away, tube fares, parking costs. Alcohol was one of these things and the fact he brings his own beer to our home but nothing else, no chocs, flowers, biscuits etc.......

thegirlintheattic

lady1964 wrote: »

He does have some debt, in fact, he owes us around £2k that we lent him when he got into financial difficulty less than a year ago and he's paying us back via a direct debit so that's fine.

However, he has never, and I mean never, offered to buy a drink, other than the occasional Sunday lunchtime pub round when it's been him, my OH and FIL. His tube fare would have been £8 and as he suggested a show knowing it could have cost him around £60, then I think he could have afforded £8.

Might part of the problem be that while he's in debt to you he doesn't feel it right to spend the repayment money on booze in front of you?

fluffnutter

lady1964 wrote: »

@ Victory, for Xmas & birthday presents, she buys the gifts & splits the costs with him so they are joint presents. I know this as they do it for his family too and I've been shopping with her when she's bought the presents. I know he pays for meals with his family because DD has mentioned this as it seems his family expect him to pay - they are often very skint and I think he feels a bit sorry for them and therefore obligated. He lives with his family, dd lives at home in our house.

He does have some debt, in fact, he owes us around £2k that we lent him when he got into financial difficulty less than a year ago and he's paying us back via a direct debit so that's fine.

However, he has never, and I mean never, offered to buy a drink, other than the occasional Sunday lunchtime pub round when it's been him, my OH and FIL. His tube fare would have been £8 and as he suggested a show knowing it could have cost him around £60, then I think he could have afforded £8.

He's generous to our dd, which is great and how it should be and I wouldn't want him buying for us and not spending on her.

I don't think he's ungrateful, I think he's become a bit oblivious and that it's become a bit of an expectation. Or maybe he is still a bit intimidated, you know, he wants to offer but knowing my OH will say 'oh no, that's fine' has given up trying to offer. This is why I mentioned that we're overseas now, but he still doesn't bring anything to the party so to speak.

Will definately speak to my dd about it when I next see her, thanks again for advice.

I think you're totally right; he's just playing the role he's always has - that of the 16 year old with no income and generous girlfriend's parents. This was fine then, but it's not so fine now, but we tend to stick with the patterns that we forged early on in relationships.

For the sake of harmony though, it's time the rules were changed a little, and a gentle word with your daughter will hopefully help.

I think I'd think twice about lending him money again too. Not because you don't trust him but because it's reinforcing this role you have of bountiful providers.

victory

lady1964 I can understand what has been said about bringing the tinnies around and not offering them out as my eldest and his friends do that often, although 3 years younger than your DD bf they have the idea firmly in their heads that they bought them (with what little money they have to buy them with) they cost them and so they drink them.

I have had loads of lads around here, with their exact drink, they sit with it around their feet and do not share with anyone, simply because they know it cost them x and they know they can ill afford it and they know that they have not got enought money to share it around, it is not selfish to them just self preservation, that is all they have so they protect it.

Funny thing is though whatever is in the house is all ours to share out but when it comes to their booze they bought it is always a cry of 'where has my fosters gone?' if it gets moved about:rotfl::rotfl:

Maybe in your case though wrongly he feels that you and OH can cover the cost and he feels relieved to not be burdened with the financial problems of going out which he has to do with his own family, somehow maybe he has thought he deserves it as he is so having to bail his family out as you can afford it he doesn't have to?

19lottie82

sophief333 wrote: »

Sounds to me that a lot of the concern if over who pays for who's alcohol! Do you all drink THAT much? If so, I think you have bigger problems....

hardly! like it or not, alcohol is largely involved in socialising for a lot of people. going out for a drink is just (or sometimes more) as common as going out for a meal for some people.

he should be expected to pay his way in regards to this, jsut as much as anything else, such as theatre tickets, meals or transport.

it's not really fair (or realistic!!) to burst in and suggest the OP and her family may have alcohol problems because she says the lad never buys a round in the pub (amongst other things)!

lady1964

Lots of questions have been asked, I'll try to answer them:

DD & her b/f no longer live together; they did for 2 years but financial issues (on his part, hence him owing us 2k) led them to give up their flat and each return to their family homes.

DD, as far as I'm aware, will offer her share when out with his family, if he was paying, she will offer him her share.

B/f has only had this debt with us for less than a year, they have been together nearly 5 years so debt hasn't been an issue for most of their relationship. Lack of cash was in the first year or so but not for the few years after that before owing us.

DD is not a sponger, she happily pays her way.

I don't think we consciously treat him as a child, for instance, we wouldn't let them share a room in our home before they lived together - 2 years - after that, it seemed pointless to give them seperate rooms so now they share when he stays so no, they are both treated as adults & not children.

It could be that the b/f thinks 'oh they can afford it' or it could be that my dd and he have had a conversation and she has said 'don't worry, they can afford it' and yes, we can but that's not the point. We are happy to include him in meals out & wouldn't dream of asking him for his share but I do think that he could offer to buy a drink or, on occasion, bring some sort of token gift to the house if he's having dinner with us.

fluffnutter

lady1964 wrote: »

Lots of questions have been asked, I'll try to answer them:

DD & her b/f no longer live together; they did for 2 years but financial issues (on his part, hence him owing us 2k) led them to give up their flat and each return to their family homes.

DD, as far as I'm aware, will offer her share when out with his family, if he was paying, she will offer him her share.

B/f has only had this debt with us for less than a year, they have been together nearly 5 years so debt hasn't been an issue for most of their relationship. Lack of cash was in the first year or so but not for the few years after that before owing us.

DD is not a sponger, she happily pays her way.

I don't think we consciously treat him as a child, for instance, we wouldn't let them share a room in our home before they lived together - 2 years - after that, it seemed pointless to give them seperate rooms so now they share when he stays so no, they are both treated as adults & not children.

It could be that the b/f thinks 'oh they can afford it' or it could be that my dd and he have had a conversation and she has said 'don't worry, they can afford it' and yes, we can but that's not the point. We are happy to include him in meals out & wouldn't dream of asking him for his share but I do think that he could offer to buy a drink or, on occasion, bring some sort of token gift to the house if he's having dinner with us.

Re. your last point, I suspect he just wasn't as well brought up as you were. I've always been taught that it's polite and thoughtful to take a small present but you'd be amazed how many people haven't.

On a more forgiving note though, I suspect the expectation that a 16 year old brought a gift simply wasn't there and he's just continued to play this role. And if he's not been told this is no longer acceptable, can you blame him? TBH, 21 year olds are still pretty clueless and it's probably too much to expect that he realises things are different now.

victory

fluffnutter wrote: »

it's reinforcing this role you have of bountiful providers.

I think this is spot on, if you have lent him £2k and then take him out he knows you do not need him to pay for his drinks or the dinner or anything, it does not make it right, he sees it differently to you because he sees you with money and he sees himself without

maman

I think I'd look at it from a different point of view: all three of your DDs are now sharing a house. If they were ''normal' housemates they'd either buy food separately or have a shared budget. In those circmstances, there's no way housemates would put up with one of the three having a b/f round to stay and eating off them! I'd suggest the sisters discuss it together, agree on an amount extra (for his share) that is needed and then approach him (either together or let your DD do it, whatever she prefers). I think you're being very generous with the house arrangements as it is but you can afford it. I don't see why her sisters need to subsidise him.

I'm hoping he'll pay up willingly as it's probably never occurred to him. Let's at least give him the benefit of the doubt until they've spoken to him.

Ames

If I've read it right, your three daughters live together and you send them money for bills. If there's anything left after bills, they treat themselves to a takeaway. So, they're not really paying, so to me it seems a bit unfair that the BF should pay when the other three aren't, they're getting a treat from you as it were. I don't see it as much different to you all going out for a meal and you paying for everyone except him. Which people above have said they wouldn't do - if they were paying for the DD then they'd pay for the BF as well.

Do any of your other daughters have friends/partners round when they're having the takeaway?

As for when you go out for meals and things, then I agree he should contribute, but it all seems a bit blurred. It's like when couples and singles go out together and the couples only buy one round between them. It depends whether you see him as a guest, or him and your daughter as a couple. In which case they should be buying a round or two - singling him out seems a little odd.

So I think you need to speak to your daughter about it, and say that you'd appreciate him buying a round, or buying you flowers or something.

I have to say though that I agree with others about it being his age and/or upbringing. In my family we never went out for meals with other people, it was always just mum dad me and sister, so the thought of taking a present if I did go to someone's house probably wouldn't have occurred to me. It definitely wouldn't have occurred to me at 21 after being used to the status quo for five years.