DD b/f issue

FBaby

I think you need to be careful not to jump to conclusions and start showing resentment that could be unfair.

As many stated, it might very well be that he thinks you are ok with paying because you've never asked for anything before. My parents always spoil us rotten when we go to see them (abroad) and won't let us return the pleasure when they come to see us. That's how they are, they love to treat us all, i think it makes them feel good to be able to do so as they are retired. I use to argue with them, telling them they didn't need to do it, but it got a bit boring having these discussions every meal. I am pretty sure all they expect is us to be grateful which we really are and show it to them. It might very well be that he thinks you feel the same.

The other issue is whatever spoken or unspoken arrangements he has with your DD. I do agree that it might very well be that there is an expectation that whatever is an issue with his parents, it is for him to deal with and vice-versa. Maybe he has said that he feel a bit uncomfortable never paying but your daughter have said that it was ok. The fact that he tends to pay when they are out with his family would seem to indicate this. Again, when my parents invite us, if I decide to argue with them about us wanting to pay our way or pay the full meal, it is always me that lead on the conversation, similarly, when the same arguement errupts with his family (because we have the same issue there!), I let him deal with his mum.

My advice would be to discuss it with your daughter, but not saying you are offended that he never offers to contribute, but that you would appreciate if occasionnally BOTH of them together chipped in.

JC9297

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Wine with dinner is working class, then? News to me. TBH, drinking any alcohol with a meal, rather than drinking it in the pub/garden at a barbeque is something I had never heard of until I was exiled to the Surrey suburbs.

The post you quoted did not mention class at all, just that it is good manners to bring a gift, although I think that applies more when you are specifically invited to dinner.
Was the class bit to do with you not knowing that people drank alcohol with meals, are you suggesting you had never heard of it because you are working class, not even at Christmas etc.? I would consider my family working class when I grew up and whilst nobody would have drank whilst eating an everyday meal, they would at special meals or if friends of my parents were there.
Of course we're all middle class now and drink a lot more wine, lol.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

JC9297 wrote: »

The post you quoted did not mention class at all, just that it is good manners to bring a gift, although I think that applies more when you are specifically invited to dinner.
Was the class bit to do with you not knowing that people drank alcohol with meals, are you suggesting you had never heard of it because you are working class, not even at Christmas etc.? I would consider my family working class when I grew up and whilst nobody would have drank whilst eating an everyday meal, they would at special meals or if friends of my parents were there.
Of course we're all middle class now and drink a lot more wine, lol.

Yup. That's about it. No drinks at home - they were for pubs or clubs, and much, much later, beers at home for barbeques.


Oh, and the post specifically disagreed with the comment about it being middle class. So it was mentioning it, just not by repeating the sentence.

GlasweJen

What is he supposed to do with wine/chocolates/pudding brought for the provider when said person is out of the country?

Surely you don't disrespect your daughters partner so much that you expect for him to contribute to a food bill that no one else in the house is paying?

Unless you were really struggling I'd let it slide unless you want to fall out with your daughter.

FatVonD

Absinthe wrote: »

No, its called good manners. Its how I was brought up. Not a problem if you're skint, but he can afford to bring his own booze. So he can easily ditch his personal stash for a bottle of wine for dinner, no matter his circumstances (he can still afford booze!). Not just for the hostess, but for his hosts.

I've never heard of bringing your own alcohol to a do, unless for a teenagers party.

But he IS barely more than a teenager.

It may be good manners to turn up with flowers or wine to a dinner party but surely not for dinner with family. I'd never expect my eldest stepson's girlfriend to turn up with gifts or pay her way when everybody else is being paid for. Politeness for me in that sort of situation would be offering to help with the washing up.

FatVonD

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Yup. That's about it. No drinks at home - they were for pubs or clubs, and much, much later, beers at home for barbeques.

.

Ditto in my parent's house, we had water, squash or a cup of tea. To this day they wouldn't have wine with a meal, not even at Christmas, though they do buy DH a bottle of cider when we go round, just the one mind

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

But he IS barely more than a teenager.

It may be good manners to turn up with flowers or wine to a dinner party but surely not for dinner with family. I'd never expect my eldest stepson's girlfriend to turn up with gifts or pay her way when everybody else is being paid for. Politeness for me in that sort of situation would be offering to help with the washing up.

It seems to me a lot of people aren't understanding the situation here.

The OP isn't moaning purely about the fact that when they have a family dinner the BF turns up empty handed. She is complaining that he never makes a contribution EVER. Should it be towards a family meal, a night in the pub or a trip to the theatre.

Is it right that an adult who earns a full time wage should stand there and wait for his GFs parents to pay for his tube ticket, after they have just paid for a meal and theatre ticket?

borokat

I think you should be expecting the daughter to pay rather than the son in law. I also agree with the poster who said that it was a bit unfair if he has to buy a round of 6 drinks in return for 1, if the other daughters are not going in rounds it's a bit awkward to just expect him to.
However I do think it is a bit unfair on your other daughters that he is eating their food and not contributing towards it - but that is more of an issue to be worked out between your daughters. & I agree it would be good manners for him to occasionally bring round a token offering as a sign of appreciation. Is he appreciative in other ways though, does he thank you after you buy him a meal?

FatVonD

19lottie82 wrote: »

It seems to me a lot of people aren't understanding the situation here.

The OP isn't moaning purely about the fact that when they have a family dinner the BF turns up empty handed. She is complaining that he never makes a contribution EVER. Should it be towards a family meal, a night in the pub or a trip to the theatre.

Is it right that an adult who earns a full time wage should stand there and wait for his GFs parents to pay for his tube ticket, after they have just paid for a meal and theatre ticket?

I understand the situation perfectly, if you refer back to my first post on the subject I said I thought it entirely reasonable that he (for he read they) should stump up for a round of pre dinner drinks. I however disagree that he should be expected to turn up with a gift when he has dinner at his girlfriend's parents' house.

minimacka

When we go out for a meal and we invite my ds girlfriend then we pay for her because we have invited her to join us. She does usually offer to pay but we say that we have invited her and that we are paying for her. Likewise if my son goes out with her parents they pay for him and I would like to think he offers to pay but I will have to ask him that one.

My big bug bear though is when us girls go out to see a show which usually means going out for a meal beforehand and my mil conveniently goes out for a fag when the bill is being discussed and then comes back when its been paid, when we have usually bought her the show ticket aswell. I suppose we should say to her beforehand that we will all be paying for our own meals but she just expects that we will pay. We also seem to be left with the biggest part of any family meal which is another story altogther despite siblings saying they will chip in with mil meal :mad:.

Families ehh !!