DD b/f issue

maman

Ames wrote: »

If I've read it right, your three daughters live together and you send them money for bills. If there's anything left after bills, they treat themselves to a takeaway. So, they're not really paying, so to me it seems a bit unfair that the BF should pay when the other three aren't, they're getting a treat from you as it were. I don't see it as much different to you all going out for a meal and you paying for everyone except him. Which people above have said they wouldn't do - if they were paying for the DD then they'd pay for the BF as well.

I think I misunderstood. You send them all the money for bills (including food) and so the take-away comes from any of your leftover money that you don't want back? I think you're being incredibly generous to all your DDs (and bf as well). That's your choice and I'd do the same BUT....

When my DDs were at home, I was happy to foot all the household bills including paying for all food (and meals out which we still do) so long as they were sensible with their own money. So we paid for them and they saved their money for house deposits etc. I have heard of other parents taking 'keep' from offspring and saving it for them. What is infuriating in your situation is that your DD and bf (or just him?) are not good with money or they wouldn't have had to give up their flat.

I think maybe I'd leave everything as it is until he's paid your £2K back then talk to him about whether he'd like to continue the d/d so you can save for him. I'd have a conversation like 'You never seem to have any money (give examples!) and I'm sure you'd like your own place again, how about you start to save?'. I wouldn't care about the odd meal/drink if he was being sensible and learning good habits. Leaving him to 'freeload' isn't good for him.

Big_Alf

Sounds like he is socially immature, and who of us wasn't at that age But he needs to be learning quickly about these sort of things otherwise he will become irretrievably socially inept.

Does he have any role models to look up to? Can your OH round up a group of his mates and take him out? I learned a lot around that age when my older brother used to take me for days out at the football/rugby/cricket with his mates.

His group of friends are not too short of a few bob (apart from me of course!) but if it looked like you were sponging or not getting your round in then you were definitely liable for some 'banter' which was all in good humour, but you didnt want to be on the receiving end of it!

From the little you have written, the bf's parents sound pretty useless. As someone else stated, he maybe sees you as surrogate parents? Maybe use this to your advantage and educate him?

j.e.j.

I can't help wondering if there might be something underneath all this.. OP and her husband are fairly well-off, BF obviously isn't.

Maybe BF simply cannot afford to be living the kind of lifestyle OP and her family lead (going out for meals, etc). Just to play devil's advocate a bit here, maybe it's awkward for him. He's expected to come along, and join in, but he knows he can't afford it, and that his GF's parents are well-off and have always paid for him.

I'd say if you are going to tackle him about this, be careful the way you go about it, or you could cause a lot of embarrassment and offence.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd have difficulty affording a meal out now (39), never mind when I was 21, and I would never buy a present for someone just for going round their house to see a member of their family, especially if I had been going there since I was a kid.

And a holiday? Never. Couldn't have afforded one then and couldn't now.

fluffnutter

j.e.j. wrote: »

Maybe BF simply cannot afford to be living the kind of lifestyle OP and her family lead (going out for meals, etc). Just to play devil's advocate a bit here, maybe it's awkward for him. He's expected to come along, and join in, but he knows he can't afford it, and that his GF's parents are well-off and have always paid for him.

Maybe, but the OP has been keen to say that she doesn't expect much; merely that he stands his round and brings a token gift to the house if he's coming for dinner. Neither cost the earth, and he is getting his food (and no doubt booze if he didn't bring his own tinnies ) for free. He's 21 and earning. He can stump up for a few beers and a bottle of wine now and then.

Big_Alf

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I'd have difficulty affording a meal out now (39), never mind when I was 21, and I would never buy a present for someone just for going round their house to see a member of their family, especially if I had been going there since I was a kid.

And a holiday? Never. Couldn't have afforded one then and couldn't now.

I dont think the OP is suggesting that he should turn up with a present every time, or be splurging on lavish meals out. I think she is just feeling taken for granted.

As has been hilighted by someone else, turning up with your own ale to someones house and treating it as your own personal stash is what teenagers do. All it takes is for him to say to the OP's hubby 'there's some beers in the fridge, make sure you help yourself.' :beer:

Hubby probably wouldnt have one but it's the thought that counts and thoughts cost nothing!

When he gets out into the real world he is going to learn that sort of behaviour will lead to him being a social pariah.

He seems to be taking a lot, and not even offering anything in return. I'd personally cut him of until he proves he's a potential SIL I could be proud of!

lady1964

fluffnutter wrote: »

Maybe, but the OP has been keen to say that she doesn't expect much; merely that he stands his round and brings a token gift to the house if he's coming for dinner. Neither cost the earth, and he is getting his food (and no doubt booze if he didn't bring his own tinnies ) for free. He's 21 and earning. He can stump up for a few beers and a bottle of wine now and then.

That's it exactly!

My other 2 dd's do feel that he should put something in the pot when he's at ours all weekend, apart from putting in a tenner for his share of the take-away. We don't expect him to make any kind of contribution towards the bills and wouldn't ask him for that, just a bit for food that he eats, or like I've said, perhaps a pudding or some choccies for after dinner.

I think if this situation is still the same when I go home for a couple of weeks, I'll speak to my DD about it and tactfully suggest that he contributes a bit more in terms of a treat for after dinner or that he should be paying something towards the food he eats at ours. After all, we are paying all the bills & their food bill each month and we're lucky enough to be in a position to do that. The rent my 2 working dd's contribute is actually put into a seperate account & will pay for their flights to visit us or to help them out if they are in urgent need and don't have it themselves at that time.

Thanks for all the advice, it's been quite thought provoking :beer:

on me

YoungBaker

For goodness sake - your daughter has been in a relaitonship with him for a few years now and they are therefore a couple. Surely you can't just grudge paying his as he is an adult and is earning - what is your daughters upkeep? What is her contribution to any of the nights or meals out? You should be as equally vexed with her.

If you really can't afford it then in future you should just emphasise a 'pay your own' way night out - where you each pay for what you have consumed to keep it fair.

FatVonD

I think turning up with chocolates or flowers for the hostess all sounds terribly middle class and to be honest, if he's already struggling financially, a bit of a waste of money just for the sake of appearances. There's no reason he (they) shouldn't stump up for a round now and again though. If there is a big imbalance in finances then I think it's fair enough for the lower earner(s) to just make a token contribution by buying a round of pre-dinner drinks.

lazer

I think your being a tad unfair on the lad too,

If all 6 of you go out for meals, and you are happy to pay for the 5, I think you should also happily pay for his.

If on the other hand, your own children are contributing, then so should be, however you then have to be preapred for some of them not being able to come to dinner because they can't afford it.

When my Fiance and I go out for meals with my family, I always offer to pay our share, and when we go out for meals with his family he offers to pay our share.

I think it is up to your daughter to offer the payment not the boyfriend. The same applies for the household, if the other sisters are requesting a contribution for the b/f being there at weekends, your daughter should be paying this, and whatever arrangements the couple come to between them, is their business, she can ask him for the money, or she may not.

I did notice that you say when your daughter is out for dinner with his family, he pays, and then she gives him the money, therefore his family don't even know she pays. IMO this is the way it should owrk, the family member pays (or at least offers too!) and then if necessary the g/f or b/f pays them back later in private.