DD b/f issue

Mojisola

lady1964 wrote: »

Thing is, we now live overseas, 3 DD's live in our house, not quite for free as 2 DD's who are working, pay rent and we send enough home to cover bills etc. They manage their shopping budget and what's left at the end of the month is theirs to spend how they wish. They get take-aways and if DD's b/f is there, he does now contribute his share, which he didn't do when we lived there. However, he is there 2 or 3 nights over the weekend and never brings anything for them to share out but is eating what has been bought out of their budget. Two DD's and us all feel that he should pay something towards the food he is eating whilst at ours but they don't know how to express that. We did tell DD that he should contribute as they need to realise that food costs money and he's eating for free and we thought she understood that but still he doesn't contribute.

It's a good time for the girls to call a house meeting and discuss it between themselves. Most house-shares have some rules like this - someone regularly staying overnight puts £x in the kitty for their share of bills. Make it a general rule, not specific to him, and that should set the tone for other gatherings.

It is difficult if a routine has been set to expect someone else to change if you've become unhappy with things. You have to make some move to show it's time to change otherwise the resentment will grow.

Sambucus_Nigra

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

Might part of the problem be that while he's in debt to you he doesn't feel it right to spend the repayment money on booze in front of you?

I think this is the most likely reason he feels weird about putting his hand in his pocket; it must make him very uncomfortable.

richardw

Has he actually got the means to contribute?

What would you do with the money you saved if he did contribute?

Will he be earning more when he's say 23?

balletshoes

Teenie_D wrote: »

I agree that you need to speak to your daughter about it and tbh she is as much to blame as her b/f is, she should be making sure both her and her b/f pay their fair share for things and it when it came to buying drinks in the pub I know it's a bit extreme but how about suggesting a kitty or splitting the food bill etc?

TBH they both sound a bit selfish (probably without realising it), I would never dream of buying things for myself and OH on a holiday my parents had paid for and not shared!

I think this is the way it is to be honest - again, as in the other thread about adult children not contributing when out for meals with the parents, why is this all about your DDs bf? If they're a long-term couple they are both responsible for paying their way, its not just down to the bf. Girls have money too .

zaksmum

My daughter's boyfriend was like this too. If he came out with us he'd use every trick in the book to avoid buying a round of drinks, or just sit there and say nothing when it was his round and nobody had a drink.

I'd jokingly say to him, "come on, we're all dying of thirst here!" and he'd mumble something about coming out without any money.

Whenever he came to our caravan for the weekend he'd leave his money at home...daughter had to pay for the petrol, food, drinks etc. He'd buy her the cheapest nastiest gift for Christmas and birthdays while she spent a fortune on him. He's a policeman, by the way!

Shortly after they married (after 7 years together) she found out he'd got another (also married) woman pregnant. Told him to sling his hook and divorced him when she finally saw him for the tight@ss scumbag cheat he really was.

She's happier than ever now with a lovely man and they have a baby, but in my opinion if he disrespects you and your family by not paying his way he's not worth bothering with anyway.

burnoutbabe

why does JUST the bf have to pay for rounds. Surely all daughters do have to take their turn as well when out?

sneezyboots

So you go out with OH and 3 daughters and 1 bf so are buying 6 meals/drinks, whatever. If bf wasn't there you would still be paying for 5. You only have to buy 1 extra of anything to include him, yet if he buys a drink/meal for everyone he is having to pay for 6! That may be where the issue lies.

When me and my hubby got together his parents would quite often pay for me at family meals. We- yes we not I, it is equally your daughters responsibility, would offer to pay our share of the bill (always refused) but would never have been financially capable of paying the whole bill. I think once in the whole 7 years together my husband's rents have let us buy them a meal and that was when it was just the rents, not his 2 brothers.

Personally, I think if you go out as a family with him it is your daughter who should be offering to pay for him as he is her guest so to speak.

Wilma33

lady1964 wrote: »

DD is not a sponger, she happily pays her way.

So at these family meals she pays her share and he pays nothing?

Are you sure she pays her share when she is out with his family? Have you asked her?

I don't think you should expect to pay for your daughter but not him. They are a couple and you either pay for neither or both imo.

Wilma33

Personally I think the gf or bf of whoevers family the meal is with should offer to pay *for the couple*. So in this case, if they are out with your family then your daughter should offer to pay for her and her bf. If they are out with his family then he should offer to pay for your daughter and him.

morganedge

thegirlintheattic wrote: »

TBH I think it depends on the family.

Definitely.
I was made to feel a little embarrassed after I offered to pay towards an expensive meal out with my girlfriend and her parents (who are rich). I don't tend to bother offering anymore, lol.

I' speak to your daughter first if it's bothering you, personally. Try and be as tactful as you can though. No point in getting into an awkward rift over it. I guess next time you're out and the bill comes, you can quickly tally up how much your(and other halfs) meal cost and ask the waiter to take that amount off of your card, and let them settle their own bill.