DD b/f issue

lady1964

Just reading the 'adult family/meal out' thread and found myself thinking about our issue with our dd's b/f and meals out.

Basic story is that our dd (one of 3) has a long term b/f of almost 5 years and he is very often included in meals out with us, however, he has never offered to pay a share or even buy a drink.

The worst of it was a couple of years ago & we fancied a weekend away at Easter so booked a caravan that would be big enough to house us all. DD & b/f were joining us the next day. Long story short, caravan we'd booked wasn't available so we were offered 2 'vans, one for us, one for dd & b/f, which we took. We paid whatever the cost was for the caravans, around £150 if memory serves.

They drove down, having stopped at the shops for beer/wine for themselves. We ate out on Saturday night, followed by drinks at the site club house - we paid, not once did he offer to buy a drink. Sunday, we went to a nearby town, no offer to pay for lunch, a drink or even parking costs. Same on Sunday evening. They had breakfast with us, which we'd bought ingredients for, their only cost was petrol oh & their beer/wine which they didn't share with us.

I've often said to OH - who is always the first to the bar - that he needs to say 'your round xxxx' to encourage him to put his hand in his pocket but he doesn't. I suppose I could but I kind of feel that this has gone on for too long now.....

I used to wonder if DD's b/f was intimidated by my OH; DD and he got together when they were both 16. Clearly though, at that age, wages were really low so no expectation of being able to offer to buy a drink. Now though, at 21, and wages higher, I do feel that we shouldn't have to shame him into buying a drink, or at least offering.

Another example, DD was 21 a while ago and b/f messaged me saying about booking tickets for a show, he said he'd pay for himself & DD, I agreed we'd pay for us 2 and 2 other DD's. In the end, tickets were sold out, so we went to town, got the tube, had drinks & dinner and not once did he offer a penny, not even for his tube fare, yet he'd said he'd pay for their tickets, which would have been £60 or so. So again, he had a free night out. He often comes to ours for dinner, might stay overnight or for 2 nights, turns up empty handed every time, although he might bring some beers for himself. We've mentioned to DD that it would be nice if he brought a pudding, or a bottle of wine but neither has ever materialised.

I really don't know what to do about this. I was brought up that if you were invited to someone's for dinner/lunch, you brought wine or flowers or chocs as a gift for the hostess/host. I was also brought up that if you went out for drinks, you offered your round.

Any suggestions?

fluffnutter

What does your daughter think of her boyfriend's parsimony? Is she oblivious to it? Supportive? Embarrassed? Is she generous herself or is she just as bad?

shiny76

You set an (understandable) precedent in the early years. Talk to them and say they are adults now and should be paying their own way.

thegirlintheattic

TBH I think it depends on the family. I'm in my mid-twenties and both my OH and my family's generally pay for meals/drinks when they are visiting or we visit them. A few times I offered to pay but was told not to be so silly, so now I don't bother. I did take a bottle of wine when I stayed over for a week but don't regularly buy gifts for the odd night or meal. I think this is probably because the OH's family are pretty well off whilst OH and I struggle to get by each month - his parents don't seem to mind and my parents have said that they would never expect us to pay. Before anyone says I'm a !!!!!!!!!!, I've worked since I was 16, have paid keep when I lived at home, used my own money for clothes, mobile, tv, computer ect., paid my own way through university and have never had to ask my parents for handouts for rent, food, cars etc.

I guess I'm lucky as both my parents and OH's are generous, even paying for a holiday for us. Things may also be a bit different as we both live a significant distance from our parents so visits are special and few and far between.

Peater

If he was an adult when you met him, then i'd think he was an awful human being. But as he was (and still is largely) a child, he probably has a weird confused attitude towards you as surrogate parents as it were. He probably doesnt realise it's such bad form.

Seanymph

perhaps a quiet word with your daughter?

I know that we are doing the same thing, it's me on the thread saying we've set a precedent now and I had never even thought about it. But I would talk to the relative, rather than the relatives partner.

fluffnutter

I still think the daughter's the key to this. There's no way that the OP can say anything to the boyfriend - that would sound terrible! But she can gently persuade her daughter to point out to him that now he's earning, it's courteous to pay his way. No one likes a tightwad and it's about time he learnt. But he's got to be told in the right way else familial relationships could get very strained!

System

Mention it to your daughter. When my exes family took us out i always offered to pay our share, (not that they ever accepted!) and if they drove us anywhere i'd offer petrol money and always said thanks etc.

Does the bf have any debts/money worries? Could that be why he's not offering?

sophief333

Hello Lady.

I hate to sound like a spoilt brat but I'm just like your daughter! And if that's your birth year in your name your the same age as my mother (...hope you're not my mother hehe!)

My husband and I got together at 14. He was always welcome round my parents house and I was at his. Without being to personal my parents have always been quite comfortable money wise and his mother quite uncomfortable, if you get what I mean!

We would always go for meals with each others parents and our parents would ALWAYS pay for both of us. We went on holiday with each others parents and again, our parents paid for everything! (all be it, it was camping with his family and a 2 weeks holiday in Florida and ski holidays with mine!)

After a few years renting we wanted our own home and last year my parents gave us a significant deposit so that we could do this. And in the same year they forked out for an amazing wedding for us!

I really do sound like a spoilt brat, but my husband and I have always been exceptionally thankful and grateful for everything my parents have done for us and have never asked or expected anything from them, and we do both work full time, there is no way my parents would be helping us out if we didn't work! I know that a deposit for a house and a wedding are exception example of parents helping out older kids, but even my husbands mother who hardly ever had money would always pay for us at restaurants etc.

I wonder if you're more concerned that you DD's BF is ungrateful??

victory

When he was a young lad then no not expected to pay or help pay towards anything but now he is an earner and knows about paying bills, making his money last, covering costs he should pay for a round of drinks or the tube or whatever.

Your DD needs to be made aware of what you have posted and say it like it is to her, it does not take away your feelings for the lad just he could financially contribute a bit more.

There could have been a conversation between them when he asked how do you feel about it and your DD replied on your behalf that 'oh no, they are fine with it, they do not expect you to pay for anything, come along, they will pay' if that isthe case you need to ask DD about it, why is it that he never pays for a thing and does he do that within his family outings also?

How is it for xmas and birthdays? Does he get your family a present or does DD do all that and just add his name at the end?

lady1964

We have mentioned to our DD that a small token would be appreciated when her b/f comes to ours, he's at ours most weekends and will eat/drink whatever we do, although he does bring his own beers, 4 cans, but nothing for OH or me, or even any chocs! She does seem embarrassed at times but in some ways, maybe it has gone on too long now but I'm at the 'enough is enough' point now.

Thing is, we now live overseas, 3 DD's live in our house, not quite for free as 2 DD's who are working, pay rent and we send enough home to cover bills etc. They manage their shopping budget and what's left at the end of the month is theirs to spend how they wish. They get take-aways and if DD's b/f is there, he does now contribute his share, which he didn't do when we lived there. However, he is there 2 or 3 nights over the weekend and never brings anything for them to share out but is eating what has been bought out of their budget. Two DD's and us all feel that he should pay something towards the food he is eating whilst at ours but they don't know how to express that. We did tell DD that he should contribute as they need to realise that food costs money and he's eating for free and we thought she understood that but still he doesn't contribute.

OH has said that when they on occasion go for a drink on Sundays, he does stand his round so I guess that's progress but yes, reading the posts that have been written since I started typing this, we need to tackle this via our daughter. They lived together for 2 years so he does understand that things cost money but, & at the risk of sounding flash, OH earns a good salary and can afford to pay for him and if we're paying for our dd's to eat out, we wouldn't exclude him, but it's more that if we have a pre or after dinner drink, he doesn't offer to pay, even though he's had a free meal.

Thank you for the advice so far, definately tackling this via our dd is the way to go. He's a nice young man & neither of us would want to embarrass him or her but it does need to be tacked in a sensitive and diplomatic way.