DD b/f issue

Teenie_D

I agree that you need to speak to your daughter about it and tbh she is as much to blame as her b/f is, she should be making sure both her and her b/f pay their fair share for things and it when it came to buying drinks in the pub I know it's a bit extreme but how about suggesting a kitty or splitting the food bill etc?

TBH they both sound a bit selfish (probably without realising it), I would never dream of buying things for myself and OH on a holiday my parents had paid for and not shared!

sophief333

Sounds to me that a lot of the concern if over who pays for who's alcohol! Do you all drink THAT much? If so, I think you have bigger problems....

Teenie_D

lady1964 wrote: »

Thing is, we now live overseas, 3 DD's live in our house, not quite for free as 2 DD's who are working, pay rent and we send enough home to cover bills etc. They manage their shopping budget and what's left at the end of the month is theirs to spend how they wish. They get take-aways and if DD's b/f is there, he does now contribute his share, which he didn't do when we lived there. However, he is there 2 or 3 nights over the weekend and never brings anything for them to share out but is eating what has been bought out of their budget. Two DD's and us all feel that he should pay something towards the food he is eating whilst at ours but they don't know how to express that. We did tell DD that he should contribute as they need to realise that food costs money and he's eating for free and we thought she understood that but still he doesn't contribute.

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If this was my sisters b/f I would be mad at that. Your other daughters may need to be straight up with him, probably be easier coming from them than you. They could make it jokey and tell him to bring round brekkie/lunch/dinner for them all when he comes round or just tell him that they can't afford to subsidise him and he will have to start coughing up.

BugglyB

Its not the payment thats important its the offer of payment and appreciation of what you do pay for him. Bringing beers for himself is ridiculous. I would say 'oh ta for the beers' and then down them all!

fluffnutter

lady1964 wrote: »

... if we're paying for our dd's to eat out, we wouldn't exclude him...

Quite so. You can't pay for your daughter (who's with him) and expect him to pay for himself! If you want him to act like a grown-up then you must expect the same of your daughter. They are a couple who live together. You must treat them equally.

BugglyB

Do you know if your daughter pays her way when she goes to his family?

fluffnutter

BugglyB wrote: »

Its not the payment thats important its the offer of payment and appreciation of what you do pay for him. Bringing beers for himself is ridiculous. I would say 'oh ta for the beers' and then down them all!

Totally agree. TBH, I think it's ruder that he turns up with his own tinnies, that if he turned up with nothing at all!

lady1964

@ Victory, for Xmas & birthday presents, she buys the gifts & splits the costs with him so they are joint presents. I know this as they do it for his family too and I've been shopping with her when she's bought the presents. I know he pays for meals with his family because DD has mentioned this as it seems his family expect him to pay - they are often very skint and I think he feels a bit sorry for them and therefore obligated. He lives with his family, dd lives at home in our house.

He does have some debt, in fact, he owes us around £2k that we lent him when he got into financial difficulty less than a year ago and he's paying us back via a direct debit so that's fine.

However, he has never, and I mean never, offered to buy a drink, other than the occasional Sunday lunchtime pub round when it's been him, my OH and FIL. His tube fare would have been £8 and as he suggested a show knowing it could have cost him around £60, then I think he could have afforded £8.

He's generous to our dd, which is great and how it should be and I wouldn't want him buying for us and not spending on her.

I don't think he's ungrateful, I think he's become a bit oblivious and that it's become a bit of an expectation. Or maybe he is still a bit intimidated, you know, he wants to offer but knowing my OH will say 'oh no, that's fine' has given up trying to offer. This is why I mentioned that we're overseas now, but he still doesn't bring anything to the party so to speak.

Will definately speak to my dd about it when I next see her, thanks again for advice.

Acc72

Seanymph posted the following comment on the other thread :

"But sometimes you create and expectation or a precedent and don't even notice it."

This is pretty much your situation.

The boyfriend was a child when you met him, and now 5 years later you possibly still see/treet him as a child, and he still sees himself as the child in this dynamic.

If you want things to change, then you need to mention this to your daughter.

onlyroz

Your initial post is all about the boyfriend - does your daughter pay her way, or is she equally a sponger?