DD b/f issue

Ames

If you're daughter's living with all her bills paid then surely that makes her better off than him and so it's her who should be buying the rounds? Especially when the rent she pays is actually just a savings account.

I'm sorry but the more I read the more I think you're being unfair. If you'd said 'they never buy a round' then I'd think you have a point, but you seem to be giving your daughter an easy ride through life but wanting to teach him about the big bad real world. I know that's harsh and I apologise for that, but it's really what's coming across to me from your posts.

YoungBaker

Big_Alf wrote: »

I dont think the OP is suggesting that he should turn up with a present every time, or be splurging on lavish meals out. I think she is just feeling taken for granted.

As has been hilighted by someone else, turning up with your own ale to someones house and treating it as your own personal stash is what teenagers do. All it takes is for him to say to the OP's hubby 'there's some beers in the fridge, make sure you help yourself.' :beer:

Hubby probably wouldnt have one but it's the thought that counts and thoughts cost nothing!

When he gets out into the real world he is going to learn that sort of behaviour will lead to him being a social pariah.

He seems to be taking a lot, and not even offering anything in return. I'd personally cut him of until he proves he's a potential SIL I could be proud of!

For gods sake - a SIL you can be proud of? Because the lad obviously feels as part enough of the family that he maybe doesnt realise he is overstepping the mark?

I think your attitude is ridiculous - OP should be grateful she has a SIL who is obviously considerate enough to treat her daughter so well that they are still together after 5 years despite being so young. Surely the fact he is obviously a decent enough lad is enough to gain OP respect to be a 'SIL to be proud of'. Or would you rather a SIL who happily pays for drinks and meals here and there but treats your daughter like crap?

Seriously - some people need to put it into perspective.

spike241

Why does it have to be either/or?

I'm 21, I've been with my bf 4 years. If we go out with my family he pays his share, if we go out with his family I pay my share, or at least offer. I wouldn't be offended if his mum decided to treat him and I was expected to pay for myself and I'm sure he would feel the same if it was the other way around.
I don't think the OP should be expected to pay for the bf just because she pays for her daughter.

19lottie82

FatVonD wrote: »

I think turning up with chocolates or flowers for the hostess all sounds terribly middle class and to be honest, if he's already struggling financially, a bit of a waste of money just for the sake of appearances. There's no reason he (they) shouldn't stump up for a round now and again though. If there is a big imbalance in finances then I think it's fair enough for the lower earner(s) to just make a token contribution by buying a round of pre-dinner drinks.

I don't think the OP is suggesting flowers or chocs every time, but it would be nice if he brought something round occasionally, simply as a gesture to show that he appreciates them feeding and watering him for the night. It's just manners really.

It seems that she also agress with you about him just making token gestures or buying the odd round in the pub, but he doesn't, EVER.

She doesn't expect him to pay his full share everytime they go out, but she does feel taken for granted (like when her and her DH paid for his theatre ticket / meal, then when they got to the subway station he just stood there and waited for them to pay for his tube fare too!)

Absinthe_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I think turning up with chocolates or flowers for the hostess all sounds terribly middle class and to be honest, if he's already struggling financially, a bit of a waste of money just for the sake of appearances. There's no reason he (they) shouldn't stump up for a round now and again though. If there is a big imbalance in finances then I think it's fair enough for the lower earner(s) to just make a token contribution by buying a round of pre-dinner drinks.

No, its called good manners. Its how I was brought up. Not a problem if you're skint, but he can afford to bring his own booze. So he can easily ditch his personal stash for a bottle of wine for dinner, no matter his circumstances (he can still afford booze!). Not just for the hostess, but for his hosts.

I've never heard of bringing your own alcohol to a do, unless for a teenagers party.

lady1964

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

For goodness sake - your daughter has been in a relaitonship with him for a few years now and they are therefore a couple. Surely you can't just grudge paying his as he is an adult and is earning - what is your daughters upkeep? What is her contribution to any of the nights or meals out? You should be as equally vexed with her.

If you really can't afford it then in future you should just emphasise a 'pay your own' way night out - where you each pay for what you have consumed to keep it fair.

We don't begrudge him a meal with us as a family, we can afford it but it's the principle that he doesn't offer anything up at any time, not a tube fare, not a drink in the pub (bar the odd occasion when he's been with my OH), not a pud to share when he's eaten at ours for 3 nights running.....

I've already said what I'm going to do so will bow out now as I've had all the good & reasoned advice I need, for which I thank those posters who have taken the time to offer it

Mojisola

If you sort it out, please come back and tell us how you did it.

lady1964

Allan_r_123 wrote: »

For gods sake - a SIL you can be proud of? Because the lad obviously feels as part enough of the family that he maybe doesnt realise he is overstepping the mark?

I think your attitude is ridiculous - OP should be grateful she has a SIL who is obviously considerate enough to treat her daughter so well that they are still together after 5 years despite being so young. Surely the fact he is obviously a decent enough lad is enough to gain OP respect to be a 'SIL to be proud of'. Or would you rather a SIL who happily pays for drinks and meals here and there but treats your daughter like crap?

Seriously - some people need to put it into perspective.

For the record, he is a really nice young man, just the sort I would want one of my DD's to bring home. He's polite, respectful and treats her well, which is what is important. He's just not very good at putting his hand in his pocket I have a lot of respect for the way he treats my dd and if he treated her like crap, he wouldn't get across the doorstep, never mind being able to stay 2 or 3 nights per week.

Also, for the poster who said we are creating a savings account for our dd, we're not really, it costs around £600 return to visit us, we use the money that has already been put into an account, we have 3 dd's, so it takes several months rent payments for one to visit, never mind all 3.

Please now refer to the post where I said I'm bowing out.

rev_henry

If it wasn't for a couple of crucial details I would have been convinced you were my MIL OP. :eek:

I'm 20 now and been with my now fianc!e since we were 15, and we've lived together but don't anymore for reasons I won't go into here...

Anyway, to answer your original conundrum, I very rarely if ever offer to pay with her family when we go out to dinner or something. If it came to a tube fare or something like that of course I'd pay my own though, and I certainly wouldn't bring my own beers round like that - its not a student party. A few years ago I felt terribly awkward/bad about not paying/offering at restaurants - probably was a bit intimidated (in a good way) by FIL so I didn't, but I wanted to. Anyway I asked fianc!e ages ago and she said 'Well they chose for us to go out to dinner so its fine.' To put it in context I'm usually staying there for a few days, considerable distance from home, so its not as if I've JUST come for the meal. So that was that as far as I was concerned. I'm pretty sure she's right though, they're the type of family who would just say so either to me or her.

It is a bit different for us though as I'm a (supposedly!) poor student.
I imagine when I have a proper job and we live together again we'll offer to pay as equals iyswim.

You should definitely speak to your daughter about it though imo, not to him. She will have a relationship with him in which she could say anything without it being awkward or whatever, whereas you don't. Haven't put that very well but you see what I mean...

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Absinthe wrote: »

No, its called good manners. Its how I was brought up. Not a problem if you're skint, but he can afford to bring his own booze. So he can easily ditch his personal stash for a bottle of wine for dinner, no matter his circumstances (he can still afford booze!). Not just for the hostess, but for his hosts.

I've never heard of bringing your own alcohol to a do, unless for a teenagers party.

Wine with dinner is working class, then? News to me. TBH, drinking any alcohol with a meal, rather than drinking it in the pub/garden at a barbeque is something I had never heard of until I was exiled to the Surrey suburbs.


He's paying his way by not apparently expecting to help himself to the family's beers, in any case.

He's not exactly far out of being a teenager, either. Might feel strange that he bought the beers because he's trying to follow what amount is acceptable to drink - if he's off to the bar first each time, perhaps he'd be thought of as a problem drinker.


I suppose if it turns out that neither visit much afterwards, because they realise he is possibly being thought of as a sponger, that's worth it for a couple of Euros for a bottle of wine that probably won't be drunk.