Been looking at husbands internet history..

BitterAndTwisted

Mojisola wrote: »

I thought they only have sex when she initiates it. If she doesn't, nothing happens.

In which case he may be complying because he's not comfortable saying that he doesn't want to. Not like that. Unless he initiated it and is in control of the proceedings. Most men can be "persuaded" quite easily, even when they have no strong desire or are not particularly interested.

Men can easily separate their sexual and emotional feelings in ways that some women find hard to understand. It's possible that the onscreen ladies are desirable because they are remote and don't engage emotionally with him. He doesn't want them to.

Could be lots of things but the computer pron and live sex sites are a symptom and not the root of the issue. We ladies often find that difficult to accept because most of us are talkers. A lot of men aren't. Especially when or of they see their wants and desires as not likely to be acceptable to their women.

whatshouldido

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The one thing he appears to have said directly and explicitly is about the hot pants and you haven't bought them yet. Please do that today.

And then maybe have a nice, calm chat about his secret life and why he feels like that part of him needs to kept secret from you. But it doesn't have to be if he can be honest and share it with you. That you are listening and may want to take part.

If I've got completely the wrong end of the stick here, I apologise

B&T - he prefers if I initiate - he does as well sometimes, but if I dont, we can end up not having sex for a couple of weeks which is a really long time!

I do need to have that chat with him but have dug a hole for myself a bit, as Ill have to tell him that I was snooping through his history, which he doesnt like. I think he is very secretive about the !!!!!! because of our last encounter regarding it, when I was really upset that he had been viewing !!!!!! over being intimate with me, but maybe he didnt get that bit and thinks I am just against !!!!!! now..

BitterAndTwisted

OK, so don't be upset with him. Coming across his browsing history doesn't have to be admitted to as snooping. Although if you're trying to winkle out some honesty with him about his secret desiresn, wants and needs it might be sensible to admit you were.

You're trying to investigate where things could be changed, improved for both of you if that's what he wants. He doesn't have to keep secrets from you because you are his wife, because you love him and want him to be fulfilled. There's nothing wrong with that.

whatshouldido

make_me_wise wrote: »

What I have highlighted above alarmed me a bit. Just a year into your marriage should be when you are at the most happiest and relaxed, just enjoying being with each other.

I dont think !!!!!! in itself is a big deal. The other stuff you describe him doing indicates to me that things are not right between you. Reading between the lines I get the impression that the problems run deeper than your sex life.

MMW - we do have other serious issues, issues that many couples would divorce over! but they are righting themselves very slowly at the mo..And on the flip side many people tell me that the first year of marriage is always hard because you need to get used to living together etc..?

We also have had a few issues with I would say mild ED, it happened to him on the odd occasion but we were able to sort it there and then..maybe thats another reason that he finds it easier to turn to !!!!!! sometimes, but still it doesnt mean that he should be able to chat with strangers online to get off..

B&T - I put off buying hot pants as I told him, til I lost a bit of weight. Ive always been slim and have put on a few kg in the last few months, so that is making me feel too unsexy to be cavorting around in hot pants!

Lotus-eater

What about saying you were looking at his internet history to try to find out what he likes, so you could surprise him...... but you only found normal !!!!!!, so would he tell you please?

I agree with B&T, you really need to find out what he needs and he find out what you need. You're both going to have to be very honest with each other and that may hurt a little, but it's the best way.
Can he be open like that? Can you?

euronorris

Does he need you to initiate it, in order to feel more attractive to you? ie, if you don't initiate, he feels that you aren't attracted to him enough to want to? And that, in turn, means he's less likely to initiate it with you because he fears rejection?

I wouldn't even mention the !!!!!!, or browsing history at this point. Start by just saying something like 'I've noticed that we haven't had sex in XX days/weeks, and I really miss it. I know that you like me to initiate it, but I'd quite like you to initiate it just as often. Perhaps we could have a chat about what we both like and don't like, and find some new things to try together to get us back on track?' and see what he says.

Lotus-eater

whatshouldido wrote: »

B&T - I put off buying hot pants as I told him, til I lost a bit of weight. Ive always been slim and have put on a few kg in the last few months, so that is making me feel too unsexy to be cavorting around in hot pants!

Noooooooooooooooo!

That's the worst thing to do. To a man that means no.

He doesn't care that you've put on a few pounds, he wants to see your bottom, go to it!

andygb

Carl31 wrote: »

Why you worried about it?

whats he doing wrong exactly that you don't like? Do you think now hes married he should only look at you?

Men look at women, would you rather he looked at men?

You might actually find hes more sexually active with you around the times hes looking at !!!!!!

I would say that looking at !!!!!! is quite common (I have done it, and I know that most of my mates admit to it), but I would say that looking at online dating sites and going on live chatlines are definitely not OK, that is crossing the line as far as I am concerned.

Lotus-eater

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

We ladies often find that difficult to accept because most of us are talkers. A lot of men aren't. Especially when or of they see their wants and desires as not likely to be acceptable to their women.

I've been wondering if this is the real issue here, he wants something and is scared to tell her. Maybe he's hinted at it, maybe she's already said "no way!", maybe he assumes she will say it.

A frank talk is needed. (this about the 150th time "talk" has been used in this thread)

pearl123

whatshouldido wrote: »

He has a very high sex drive and could have sex every night, and I could too, but he has this thing about me initiating all the time,

Something doesn't sound right. If you have a very hight sex drive surely you don't ignore you partner for weeks on end if she does not initiate sex?

Does he just prefer !!!!!! or is he in a round about way punishing you OP by not giving you sex because you don't initiate it in first place? Also just noticed the mention of ED - is it possible that he prefers these sex sites as he's concerned about failing sexually?

As other have said you definatly need a long conversation with your partner. There's nothing wrong with !!!!!! as long as you can still have a loving sexual relationship. Seems it not working for you.