So - your 8 year old is having a tantrum... do you?

mishkanorman

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I can empathise with the parents of a tantrum throwing child without knowing of any label: there was a mum in the swimming pool changing rooms the other day, her 4 or 5 year old was throwing a right corker while his little sister wandered around looking bemused! I offered to help carry her bags out to the car if she wanted to just tuck him under her arm, because he would neither put his own shoes on nor allow her to. Eventually he left with no trousers on. :rotfl:

However, if there is a disability, I personally think it helps to know about it. My mum, for example, is extremely deaf. If she's standing with her back to you and you say "excuse me please" she won't hear you, because she CAN'T hear you. You might think she's extremely rude not to move, but she doesn't know she's in your way!!!

The example I gave earlier, of being bawled at because I didn't realise a child who had hurt me was autistic - if I'd known, I could have made 'reasonable adjustments'. But I didn't know: I hope the child wasn't scarred for life by being spoken to by a strange adult, but I didn't think I deserved the reaction I got.

It's the same with the child who looks older or younger than their age: if I know a child is 6, I'll expect 6 year old behaviour. If they look 6 but are actually 4, my expectations may be unreasonable. If you want me to know how old your child is, you're going to have to tell me.

So what do you do, pin a badge to your mums back saying "i cant hear you im deaf" and follow her around in all situations so you can leap in front of her and pass out excuses to all those who may be offended ?

Its just not practical nor should it be necessary. Its give and take in all situations in life, the OP may have thought the family were being rude as hell but who knows what had happened to bring them to that situation ?

moomoomama27

mishkanorman wrote: »

So what do you do, pin a badge to your mums back saying "i cant hear you im deaf" and follow her around in all situations so you can leap in front of her and pass out excuses to all those who may be offended ?

Its just not practical nor should it be necessary. Its give and take in all situations in life, the OP may have thought the family were being rude as hell but who knows what had happened to bring them to that situation ?

For me, regardless of what's going on in my personal life, I would not take it out on anyone else! They aren't to blame for the run up! It's all about the lack of apology, and the then rant at the person who was hit! It doesn't really matter if the child was disabled (I mean that in the nicest possible way), or if she was just a naughty little so and so! It's just accepted that good manners would be to apologise to the person who your child pushed, hit etc. If that prson is then ungracious about the apology, nothing can be done.

It just appalls me that the level of manners are declining rapidly.

abacus73

Just giving my opinion here Nikki but actually it is you that comes across the way you describe above not 'make me wise'. You have been far ruder on here than her and seem dead set tonight on ridiculing this poster. Just for the record and so that everyone gets a fair picture here I have seen plenty of your posts removed as well. I am adding no more fuel to your fire as you seem to be loving all this.

moomoomama27

Nicki wrote: »

Because she is regularly foul and abusive to a lot of people on MSE, and when I see her do it to others, I always hit the report abuse button, and her posts have always been removed. Telling the DV victim that she was "pathetic" and no one wanted to read her "snivelling drivel" is one that sticks very strongly in my mind, as are the dozen posts she had removed from the begging thread at the weekend (none directed at me). I know that you are aware of that one as I recall you joined in the abuse of that poster. Otherwise, I usually do not respond to her abuse directed in my own direction as I am but one of about two dozen "nasty" people in her mind, though I would never ever post abusive stuff of the nature she and you do about anyone.

If you were reading the thread, you will see that before she posted her abusive rant, I had thanked an earlier one which was sensible and well balanced and relevant to the issue being discussed, not an attempt to descend into bullying, which only works if the person attempting to be bullied cares what the abuser says.

With respect Niki, and I don't think I've ever had a disciussion with you before! You did come across as a bit rude and snippy to me, and I think at the time that was your intention?
I gave you the benefit of the doubt as you did say sorry. I think you are probably just a passionate person in discussions, who really see's things as my way or the highway, which to a point is fine. I only take offense when people use sarcasm or superiority to belittle someone elses view rather than facts or pointers. It tends to make that persons view somewhat invalid, when it could be a good point IYKWIM.

Take that as constructive, I'm not meaning to be mean to you.

Blackpool_Saver

If I had my time over again I would be a VERY strict parent, about meals, tv, interrupting, tantrums, EVERYTHING, you want to know why, I will tell you, my son has ADHD query bipolar disorder, I believe children with disorders need firmer more consistent boundaries and not less and more allowances made. We are taking the wrong approach, children thrive with clear enforced boundaries and a united front. It takes a village to raise a child, we should be helping each other and not criticising. Especially those who have docile conforming children, they should HELP not gasp in horror.

I'll get my coat.

Nicki

moomoomama27 wrote: »

With respect Niki, and I don't think I've ever had a disciussion with you before! You did come across as a bit rude and snippy to me, and I think at the time that was your intention?
I gave you the benefit of the doubt as you did say sorry. I think you are probably just a passionate person in discussions, who really see's things as my way or the highway, which to a point is fine. I only take offense when people use sarcasm or superiority to belittle someone elses view rather than facts or pointers. It tends to make that persons view somewhat invalid, when it could be a good point IYKWIM.

Take that as constructive, I'm not meaning to be mean to you.

OK I will take that on board. It wasn't meant to be rude - the smiley was intended to show it was a joke, but if you did take it that way then I apologise, and I had thought from the later clarification that you had realised it wasn't a dig. I've had a corker of a couple of days with DD and hospital tests, and very little sleep, so I am perfectly prepared to accept that I misjudged the tone. I'd still take issue with the fact that one misjudged comment in the context of a discussion is ruder than several paragraphs of unrelated character assassination!

Anyway on that note, I am going to take myself off to bed, as I've got little doubt this thread will have been sanitised in the morning to get rid of the nastiness, and continue discussing the main issue in hand.

mishkanorman

moomoomama27 wrote: »

For me, regardless of what's going on in my personal life, I would not take it out on anyone else! They aren't to blame for the run up! It's all about the lack of apology, and the then rant at the person who was hit! It doesn't really matter if the child was disabled (I mean that in the nicest possible way), or if she was just a naughty little so and so! It's just accepted that good manners would be to apologise to the person who your child pushed, hit etc. If that prson is then ungracious about the apology, nothing can be done.

It just appalls me that the level of manners are declining rapidly.

Me too, I personally wouldnt have started a barney - it would have been a swift "I'm so sorry" but then I have a pretty easy going life and when it has gone badly badly wrong Im sure I didnt come across as my best to outsiders,

Can you imagine days like if they had just buried a close family member and that stop for food was after a tough few days ? Ive never taken my stuff out on others but i know those that bottle it and flip, its horrible to watch.

Savvy_Sue

mishkanorman wrote: »

So what do you do, pin a badge to your mums back saying "i cant hear you im deaf" and follow her around in all situations so you can leap in front of her and pass out excuses to all those who may be offended ?

Of course not. Mum does wear a badge on her coat, so if she's facing you, you should know (if you notice it).

I'm actually very unlikely to be offended, personally (I don't take offence unless it's very clear you intend to be offensive!), but I know some people have thought her rude or off-hand when the plain truth is she doesn't know they're speaking to her. Should she leave them thinking she is rude or off-hand? Isn't it easier to say "I'm deaf, I don't hear always hear people greet me / speak to me."

mishkanorman wrote: »

Its just not practical nor should it be necessary. Its give and take in all situations in life, the OP may have thought the family were being rude as hell but who knows what had happened to bring them to that situation ?

I just think it's helpful, if you want understanding, to say what you want it for. I've been known to say "I'm sorry, he's behaving very badly today, he's not usually like this, we're off home now". I'm not excusing his behaviour,
and I'd expect any mother to understand that ALL children have bad days sometimes, and that I'm doing my best to deal with it.

Actually, I hope the mum I offered help to in the swimming pool didn't think I was interfering or judging her. I wished she could have shut him up, because he was hurting my ears, and actually he did stop bawling a bit when I spoke to her, probably realised that I was paying attention to her not him! But I've been there!

Gingham_R

onlyroz wrote: »

There's a boy in my son's class who is a good head-and-shoulders taller than everybody else, and apparently is given extra tuition because he's brilliant at maths. However, he's a bit of a cry-baby - I had the pleasure of witnessing his behaviour at a children's bowling party at the weekend, and he flew into a tantrum because one of the other boys accidentally bowled when it was his turn..

Gifted children's brains don't develop like other kids'. His academic ability is probably racing ahead of his social ability. It's called asynchronous development. Please don't think of him badly - you sound like you enjoyed his inability to cope with his strong feelings when he missed his turn. If you understand the condition as having different functions of the brain developing at different rates, it helps to put these unusual behaviours in perspective. Also, it's very common for gifted kids to have a very strong sense of social justice - missing his turn would fit into that and if someone else had their turn taken by someone else you may have seen him arguing about the unfairness of it.

onlyroz

Gingham_R wrote: »

Gifted children's brains don't develop like other kids'. His academic ability is probably racing ahead of his social ability. It's called asynchronous development. Please don't think of him badly - you sound like you enjoyed his inability to cope with his strong feelings when he missed his turn. If you understand the condition as having different functions of the brain developing at different rates, it helps to put these unusual behaviours in perspective. Also, it's very common for gifted kids to have a very strong sense of social justice - missing his turn would fit into that and if someone else had their turn taken by someone else you may have seen him arguing about the unfairness of it.

When I said "pleasure" I didn't mean that I enjoyed watching his tantrum. I was just surprised that a boy who is apparently extremely bright could behave in such a babyish way.