Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

savvykaz

What beautiful children Sea

Seeing their lovely, smiling faces each morning makes up for all you're going through now, I'm sure!

Read your diary every day - stay strong - your DH will realise just what he's lost - only then it will be too late!

rose28454

Just had to write to say that the pictures of your kids brought a tear to my eye. My OH is an alcoholic and after 8 months of not drinking is back on the booze again and is asleep in the chair drunk again!! We have been together 25 years and my children are grown up and left home ( Son just good a good job in journalism and daughter got a good job in recruitment) However I know they are both screwed up by the years of drinking and shortage of money. I should have left years ago but did not have the courage!!!
So keep strong and think only of your children. Dont worry about money it will all be ok.
Lots of love ang hug
Rose

taxi73

Hi there...sorry to hear what you are going through...I promise it will get better in the long run....you are a strong woman and he's the loser..you can never win with an alcoholic...they can't see past the bottle...I used to be married to one years ago and divorced him because the kids were suffering..thankfully they were young like yours ...so they weren't badly scarred from it...you will come through the other side and he'll be one less problem to deal with...your children are lovely by the way and look like they were having a good time

Sea78

Hi

Thanks for the replies - I think I still have a problem with seeing him as an alcoholic really, despite him saying he wasn't going to drink last night as he's got to go to the hospital today for a bone scan ~(will be irradiated for it!!) he then changed his mind and just had 5 cans...

he was in a good mood last night and it makes me feel sooo guilty that I want to take his kids too. Feeling a little down about it today - the kids loved it when he came out and helped them a little when we were doing the gardening and now I want to spoil all that. Is this normal? Should I consider the whoel 50/50 thing? i really don't think it would be a good idea though. Oh I don't know.

Pay day today though - am off to get my wage slip and see how much I got for the supply days - will be popping that in a separate account, although have a huge nursery bill and back payments to bloody gym (can cancel in august though ) and the CCCS payment as well as all the usual stuff. During food shop didn't buy anything for him as he's still not giving me any money, although is paying for Ds's childcare this month and I will just say I have no money if we run out of food.

Arghhhhhhh

Sea xxxx

rose28454

Dont feel guilty. That is how Alcoholics work. They are nice to you and make you think you are wrong and not them. Be strong!!

kent_lady

Hi Sea

I have only just found your thread today and just wanted to say a few things..... firstly - he will NOT get the kids, he is an alcoholic and also no better than an overgrown kid if he's playing with an X-box (I just don't get this computer games thing, is it a bloke thing? They are for kids, surely.....hmmmm, I rest my case).

Second - you sound like an amazing woman and a brilliant mother. I have friends who are in the same situation as you yet you are the only one who has found the strength to do something positive and get out of the realtionship!

He clearly has many problems so DON'T feel guilty, he will try his best to manipulate you. Do what other posters have suggested and keep records of what he drinks etc.

Do NOT consider the 50-50 -it will be way too disruptive for your little ones. Kids need, above all, love, security and CONTINUITY and any court inthe land would see that he can't give them the last two, he is just being bloody-minded.

Finally - stay strong, you are an inspiration to others. i'm sure.

Big hugs to you :grouphug:

hypno06

Afternoon Sea,

Please remember that you have nothing here to feel guilty about. In any event, are you trying to stop him from seeing the children completely? No. You will allow him reasonable access so he will retain contact with them and they will see their Daddy frequently. Just because he doesn't have custody, doesn't mean they won't ever see him again, so please don't feel guilty.

Of course if he changes his ways over a period of time, you can decide in due course, and when you are ready, that you may want to allow him a little more access. But he has to prove himself over the longer term first.

Stay strong, you know you can do this x

RAS

Hi Sea

Glad you had a good day yesterday.

It will be difficult to maintain an even keel emotionally. There were times when I wanted to kill my ex; i mean it, tried to work out how to do it and not get caught, but could not work out how.

In the end, when we were actually breaking the house up 18 months later, I let him have some things and he let me have others. We even ended up taking two or thee bottles that we each really wanted, then tossing a coin and taking it in turns to divvy up the wine rack.

So my experience was that it is part of the breaking up process that just has to got through, like bereavement.

It may be a bit more difficult with the kids. You should expect him to play big daddy with them, whilst you are the nasty ogre who makes them go to bed/ wear clean clothes etc. All you can try and do long term is to actively involve him in major decisions so that they cannot play the two of you off against each other.

On the other hand re 50:50, thing could get very difficult practically. Firstly, if you agree that, then you are trapped living where you are until DS is 18, no chance of moving if things go really pear shaped or a job opportunity comes up. it also may mean that every time nursery or school want to take the kids on a visit, they have to get approval from both parents and they miss out on a lot.

Secondly, where does he think they are going to stay with him, his folks? My father tried this and he was living a a nightmare of a two berth carvan at that stage!

Finally, you already noted that DS gets upset when he is moved from one place to another. How is he going to cope with two moves a week?

Make it explicit to OH that you will keep him involved because you believe that the children will benefit from being parented by people who have talked through issues and present a joint front, not because of legal compulsion. I do know ex-couples who have acheived this, including two who have agreed transfer of residence because they decided that it was in the teenager's best interest.

RAS

One small point that I could pass on from a workshop I attended this weekend.

Paul Mobb recommends the power of the wrist.

1.Get a screw driver and turn the thermostat on the hot water tank down to 55 degrees rather than the 70 it is set at presently. Hot enough to run a bath/shower without adding cold water.

2. When you are at home, operate the heating at 18 degrees in the day time and at 14 degrees at night

Those two actions will save you about half your heating costs.

I would add get energy saving lamps as weel. Each one will save you about £7 per year, so put them where you have the lights on the longest time. My first ones lasted eight years as well.

Sea78

Thanks for those pointers RAS - that'll definitely help and be much safer for the kids too as I am concerned about the temp of the water sometimes!

Well, based on the advice from this thread I had a chat with OH about the custody situation and he agrees that the kids would be better off with me for the boring, humdrum stuff and that I am much better at the general care of them. I also said it wasn't my intention to take the kids away from him and that I'd still expect him to see them more than 2 weekends a month, whether it simply be picking them up when i have a meeting and giving them tea or taking them out one night etc.

He then dropped the biggie that he doesn't want us to get divorced, he won't see a solicitor til I file for divorce and that he thinks we were getting on better before last weekend and that his mum thinks it's all about the money. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. So now it's all my doing that I'm going to tear up the family - I can't win, can I???Made another app with the sol, won't be til next wednesday.

Took the kids in Blackpool today, bought DD some new clothes, spent far too much although I do have the money saved in clothes budget. Also bought lunch and ice creams and spent a pigsback voucher in Boots, got a £1 off nail vrnish voucher fromt he advantage card machine and spent 11p!! (£11.11 - £10 voucher - £1 voucher), which also meant I got the £5 voucher, so got some sanctuary skincare wipes for free! The kids went on the beach - Ds ran into a little pool with shoes and trousers on so had to then be half naked - good job it's so hot!

Feel happy as had lovely day but am all in a mess as I think I want a divorce but now it's all on me. My bessie mate says he's playing mind games, but I just don't know. He still won't got o relate so nothing would be sorted that way.


Off to blooming dance class (I swear, if my mum wasn't paying, DD would have given this up a while ago!!).
Sea xxx