Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

itsalldrivingmemad

Be stong Sea, I was strong last night first I said NO!!! It felt great and i still feel great for doing it slowly my self respect will return.

Sea78

Well, what a difference a weekend makes...

I went to my mum's this weekend and while there he started to text me that he desperately wants us to make a go of it etc. Now (helped by the wine) I was rather bolshey (as I'm now at that place where I just don't care anymore as am angry etc). So the result is that he's coming to counselling (his idea), giving up drinking at home (his idea) and making more of an effort to appreciate me and make more of an effort with himself (again his idea).

I don't know if it's all too late, but he didn't drink last night and I've made it clear that it won't work if he goes back on his word. Obviously, if we have a BBQ or something social, it might be different.

Also he's going to try to get some extra work to get some more money (as he is so driven by money and rates it as a success indicator then that might help him too).

We'll see if he gets the counselling organised ASAP - if he doesn't then I think I know what I'll do. I feel much stronger for getting organised and feel much more powerful within the relationship too - it's not just him dictating what will happen and calling me a mental pyscho. He knows I would leave him, can leave him and may well still do so if things don't change. I've got my head round it all so much that I'm not even sure that I want us to work out but I do have to try for the children and also the counselling will help tio sort things out so that even if we do split, things will be more resolved.

Took the kids to the Wray Scarecrow festival yesterday - it was FAB!!

Sea xxx

RAS

Sea

Glad to learn that you had a good weekend.

As you say, the proof of the pudding is in the eating and you will just have to see whether he gets it together to sort out the counselling. I do know some places have a wanting list (rats).

I would point out to him that calling you a mental pyscho is mental cruelty and unacceptable behaviour re possible divorce. Make a note every time he does that sort of thing. No wonder you have lacked confidence! devastating thing to do.

Also point out that if he does this in front of the children that it is very poor parenting. If he does that you, even if he does not do it to them, they will fear abuse all the time.

Sea78

Thanks RAS - this is part of the reason why I'm so angry now and not sure if we can work it out! Such a difference to just a few weeks ago, when I did think I was going mad and was a doormat.

reading all the replies, including yours, has been extremely helpful and has made all the difference, as well as giving me the confidence to realise I am more than jsut his wife and I am my own person so thank you sooo much.

Sea xx

NekoZombie

Hi Sea

Taking control is a fantastic way to keep a grip on things, and I would say exactly the right strategy. Glad it was a good weekend.

Bunnyinthelights

Sea,
Well done on your new fpund confidence-If I was a cynic, I would say he was just doing it because he knows he hasn't leg to stand on re. money/house/kids etc. However, I am always ready to give the benefit of the doubt...

DO NOT LET him call you names like 'mental case' or anything else along that line. You are not. And as has been pointed out, what kind of an example is that setting to the children?

You are a strong, intelligent competent woman,
Bunny x

Sea78

I'm also thinking he's had a shock with regards to what he would end up with and the fact that he knows I'm much better with the kids. But we'll see.

I'm trying hard not to be scornful at his efforts, but the anger/irritation I'm feeling keeps bubbling up. I'm hoping that the counselling will help deal with that, no matter what the outcome!

kent_lady

Hi Sea

I was wondering what had happened to you and just read your post from this morning - as you say, what a turnaround !:eek:

And I am completely with you on the "not knowing if I'm bothered now" feeling as my best friend is in the same place - OH making an effort after more than 2 years of not bothering and she's passed the point of no return now. Not saying that you have too - but it's clear that you feel SO much stronger, I can't tell you how much I cheered when I read your post !!!:T

You have found that strength - just as so many posters on here have said you would - well done! Keep it up and remember you are in control now - if he wants to stay with his family then he has to make an effort to be the kind of father and OH that you and your kids need.

Thinking of you - keep us all posted :rolleyes: .

xxxx

itsalldrivingmemad

So happy for you that you have found strength, I just wish some of it will rub off on me, I try and be strong then he talks me round with his ways then just snaps at me again, i also get the name calling and mental abuse, its hard very hard to not listen to it.

Mine has now moved out but in a way I want him back even though I know he is no good and has changed for the worst I just want the man I married back not this man that is there now.

He won't admit that it is him that is the oproblem he says it is all me and it makes me wonder sometimes if it is or not, infact your hole situation can near enough mirror mine.

I can't help helping him in his now place though doin little favours for him making phone calls for him, I ned to say stop I know but I can't find the strength I just wabnt him to turn round and say he's sorry can he come home.....i feel if I turn off my feelings for him then he will never come back and things will get worse.

That is why I feel so proud that you have the strength now to call the shots KEEP IT UP, don't be battered down again.

Sea78

itsalldrivingmemad wrote: »

.i feel if I turn off my feelings for him then he will never come back and things will get worse.

That is why I feel so proud that you have the strength now to call the shots KEEP IT UP, don't be battered down again.

Thanks

I have turned my feelings off and I feel this has had a MASSIVE effect on him. He now realises that he just can't hurt me and if he were to do anything to do that I'd do something about it. This has in turn made him realise he needs to change. Well, I hope all this is the case, it may just be a load of twaddle and he might return to normal soon, but I'm hoping otherwise I think.

Hugs to you hon, keep strong. I don't really have any suggestions as my situation now arose from the awful arguments and behaviour over a weekend, that my mum also witnessed so it was quite a climax, which in turn made me make some decisions. I also don't know if the anti-d's I'm taking have helped make me stronger, or if it's a combination of everything.

Sea xx