Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

Lazy_Line_Painter_Jane

Hi Sea,

Have been reading your diary and it reminds me of some of the things I went through with my ex when he left me.

Have you contacted any solicitors? Many will give their time for free for the first appointment if it is to do with family law, especially if kids are involved. You may also qualify for legal aid as they take into account any dependents and rent, etc and if you have less than a certain amount left each month, you qualify. There is also a phone service, Rights for Women (not sure of phone no at mo, will look it up) who will give you free legal advice over the phone and point you in the right direction. You can also contact mediation services who will act as the middleman for dropping off kids so you don't have to meet up with your ex or his family if you don't want to. Contact your local Voluntary Services Bureau/CAB for any in your area.

I also worked for Orthopaedics for a couple of years and you can ask for your Consultant/GP to refer you to physiotherapy or the Pain Clinic at the hospital. They can prescribe things such as physio, chiropractors or acupucncture to help with the pain if it is chronic.

Hope this helps and PM me if you want to chat or some advice.

Big hugs

Lazy Jane x

Emmzi

Sea78 wrote: »

Thanks - he would never agree to that, nor would his mum! Have suggested it before...

Another thing to think about

What would have to happen, for you to feel it wasn't a choice, but just SOMETHING YOU WERE GOING TO DO?

What would have to happen for you to feel truly in control of your own life?

How would it feel if you were? (Scary? Calm? Sad? All of the above plus some more?)

Have you seen a relate counsellor to talk some of these things through? You don't always have to go as a couple... sometimes a neutral party can help.

Feel free to ignore above if it's too much right now. There'll come a time for action, and you will know when it is.

xx

kent_lady

Hi Sea

When my OH and I split up it was for different reasons than yours. I was in the depths of despair - I was 5 months pregnant with my (our!) second baby and he left me for a "younger model" (lol).

I just wanted to say that when I finally made the decision to set the divorce in motion, I felt scared and apprehensive but SO in control again. I realised that I was in charge of what happened to me and although it was a really hard thing to do emotionally, it empowered me again.

You may not be ready to take this step at the moment but I PROMISE you that you will look back one day and realise that it was the best thing you ever did. You WILL survive this, I promise you. They always say that women are the stronger sex and it is absolutely true. Seven years on from my divorce I am stronger and I learnt a lot from the breakup - which is more than I can say for the ex-OH......

Thinking of you
xxx

Sea78

Hi

I did try relate for one appointment, but wouldn't really be able to afford it now (although I could if stretched the money) but also feel so angry that he isn't willing to try it that I don't think it would help us, although it might help me if you see what I mean!! One suggestion she made was me trying to change something and seeing if it had an effect. Well, tried it, it made him happier but didn't really change much.

He's being really nice and says we're getting on so much better. This is because I am being amicable!! I'm not moaning at him going out, drinking, being unfair etc. so of course we getting on better.

I have decided I'm going to go ahead and file for divorce. BUT if things change in the meantime (I mean, he's not going anywhere!!) then it can always be stopped, or resolutions foun d later. i just feel that I will get more depressed if I don't act proactively about this.

Wasn't observed during Ofsted -Hurray!! The inspector tried to find me but because I don't have my own classroom, I was over in the English department - so he couldn't find me! It was a shame as I was making Hundu shrines with my year 7s as well...

Off to for a meal (at 4.30 lol) with colleagues from work and DS as I have him but DD is at nursery school til late. That'll be nice - told OH and he nearly had a fit - but what? til when? I want to go watch the footie tonight etc. I'll be back at home by 7 !!!!!!.

Might even have ONE glass of wine - still been so good and not had a drink. Nearly 2 weeks...feel much better as it was getting a habit.

AND I forgot the CCCS payment yesterday so have to dash to the PO to pay it today and then ring them - can't believe I actually forgot. So stupid.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Seaxxx

sammy115

Sea78 wrote: »

Hi

I did try relate for one appointment, but wouldn't really be able to afford it now (although I could if stretched the money)

From what I remember they only ask for payment to what you can afford. Although I always felt guilty and paid the full amount. It is worth it I think even if you go on your own. It helped me come to terms with the ending of my first marriage and made me realise that it was actually the right thing to do.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!{hugs}}}}}}}}}

hypno06

Hi Sea, just to say glad you are staying positive and strong, and enjoy your meal tonight. Just make sure you are not out late :rolleyes:

Keep going, girl, you are doing fab x

itsalldrivingmemad

I can completely sympathise with you here sea,

I am not so much a newbie just someone who has had to change their log on as my OH is completely mad and reads all my posts etc. He too has a problem with beer but also cannabis. Things have got so bad this year he has moved out now, one min he can be nice and lets try and work thing out the next he is nasty and accuses me of allsorts totally ridicules things things I have not done. Our debt I think has come mostly from his addictions and we have inexcess of £30k allot of it in my name. We have a DMP but it is still in joint names, he hasn't given me any money and I have gone through the stages of feeling guilty for the kids and is it really me with the problem, its hard work but now he has gone there is some kind of peace that is when he leaves me alone with the nasty vicious texts he sends me, today has been quite quiet, I do miss him but until he admits to his problem there is no way back. He won't go to relate either he says I will just twist them round to my way of thinking, he is scared in reality of facing up to his own problems. My kids are upset as they love daddy and speak on the phone everyday, we just need to be strong.

Sending you hugs over and letting you know your not alone:grouphug:

ZTD

Sea78 wrote: »

I did try relate for one appointment, but wouldn't really be able to afford it now (although I could if stretched the money) but also feel so angry that he isn't willing to try it that I don't think it would help us, although it might help me if you see what I mean!!

Why don't you make an appointment, then send him a formal invite (registered post to your own address) and tell him that in a divorce the judge will not be happy if he turns it down.

That might get him there.

Shineyhappy

Sea78 wrote: »

He's being really nice and says we're getting on so much better. This is because I am being amicable!! I'm not moaning at him going out, drinking, being unfair etc. so of course we getting on better.

I have decided I'm going to go ahead and file for divorce. BUT if things change in the meantime (I mean, he's not going anywhere!!) then it can always be stopped, or resolutions foun d later. i just feel that I will get more depressed if I don't act proactively about this.

The first line sounds so much like my ex. He was an addict but to online computer games. Most people laugh at that but google World of Warcraft widows and there are suport groups for the players OH.

He used to say I was nagging unreasonably if I pointed out to him we should visit his mother on her birthday. I got so depressed about the situation at home that one month I decided to try something. I didnt say a word to him beyond responding to his questions or something a servant would say (ie what would you like for dinner?). I hardly spoke in the home and as a result cried myself to sleep every night, he was online in the living room so never noticed.

After that month he told me I was behaving myself (!!!!) at last and that made him happy. We never went out as a couple nor spent any quality time together except me reading and him playing his game.

Some people want everything their own way and if it isnt exacly that then they think they are being treated unfairly and that you are "trying to change them" or some other nasty insult.

Don't let his drinking dictate your life, it was the biggest mistake of my life trying to make him happy as all that happened was he took more and more and I had nothing left to give.

Be strong and don't put up with any c%*p!

Big hugs and best wishes!

Sea78

Thanks once again for your thoughtful responses - I had a lovely time and had only two small galsses of wine! Came back here but OH was being picked up to go watch the footie straight away so couldnt' help me put the kids down...

Shineyhappy - sorry to ther about your problems and I hope that you're much happier now.

itsalldrivingmemad - sounds like a nightmare - hugs to you hon and I hope that either you're eventually happy wihtout him or that he sorts himself out.

ZTD - You know, I'm beginning to feel like I just don't have the energy anymore. If he doesn't want to, then I don't think I'll push it anymore.

Off to lie on sofa in slobby way and then get an early night I think! Hope all are ok.
Sea xxxx