Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

Bunnyinthelights

Sea,
There's not many women I know who will think he is much of a catch-once he realises that HE has issues, he will be forced to change or keep going from one trainwreck to another.
You are so strong and I'm sure you will feel better eventually. (I'm one month into new 'happy pills' and I thank god for them)
Feel free to pm if you want a chat at all hunny,
Bunny x x x x x

JAMIEDODGER

i havent much to add but just wanted to say chin up hun, things have a habit of working out in the end xx

RAS

Sea78 wrote: »

One minute he says we should try again for the kids sake, the next we need to be looking at our options. What options? I'm screwed. All debt in my name. p-t wage. etc.
Sea xx

Sea

He has not told them you are splitting? My guess is he has not got a clue what's going on himself.

You do not have to play happy families. His lot are probably really concerned. Go to the do, and if anyone asks, tell them exactly what is above, plus letting them know that you can only get out of debt if he reduces the amount he spends on booze. If they say nothing, say nothing, then you are not a spoil sport.

Realistically, you have to go to CAB or someone next week and start to research what your rights are if your marriage folds. Then he can't mess with you so easily. He has been running you ragged for years (don't like your friends, don't like mum, don't like being responsible, don't like being sober), love, and it has to stop.

Longer term, check whether there is a group locally for the family of people with alcohol problems. Most AA groups have a family support group as well and you can go even if he does not admit the problem. Given how isolated he has made you become, they could be a tower of support.

Sea78

Thanks fo rthe replies - I didn't see some of them til today - not sure why!

Well onwards and upwards I think. Going to get legal advice this week. His family now know. I'm not welcome at their 'family' house anymore (according to him, but they aren't really making any effort with me). I need to get the practicalities sorted - I don't hink he's going to get help for his depression (I think he's heading for rock bottom soon!), alcohol and now anger issues as well as control/jealousey issues. I have been trying to get help for my problems and I hope to begin to get better.

I feel a little like I'm not really going through all this - just carrying on as normal as much as possible for the children - so while we're not really speaking, I still tell the kids to wave at daddy when he's off to work etc.

He's now letting the facade of being the perfect husband and father in front of others slip a little and so it's a relief they all know he's not the greatest ever!

Money issues are a BIG problem so I'll be sorting that this week.

Thanks again

Sea xxx

ZTD

Sea78 wrote: »

I'm not welcome at their 'family' house anymore (according to him, but they aren't really making any effort with me).

But has he told them that you hate their guts? Perhaps you need to contact your "spy" again and find out/put the record straight - if you think the members of his family are worth the effort.

hypno06

Hey Sea, you are doing really well amongst all the turbulancies (is that a word, and if not, it should be) surrounding you at the moment.

Even though OH may be heading for rock bottom, this may be a good thing, because it is only when we reach that place, that we can start climbing up again.

I think you are doing the right thing by the children - he is still their daddy when all's said and done, so keep up the good work all round.

I am sure you will get the practicalities sorted soon, plenty of people around who can help you. In the mean time, more hugs coming over from the hypno household xx

maralum

Don't you worry about his family sea, it'll all come out in the wash. My ex's family couldn't understand why I threw him out 4 years ago. So they were angry with me and he went to live with them.

Thank goodness he did. Living with him let them see the light. He robbed them blind. Truly, he stole all of the money from their grandchildren's various money boxes, the fees from the football club that his dad runs and his mum's maltese holiday money that her daughter had given her for their 29th wedding anniversary. He stole the football money on the day that his dad went into hospital after having a stroke whilst driving. :mad:

Give them enough rope and they'll always hang themselves.

His mum catered my wedding this year and the ex himself has vanished from the face of the earth. Rather like a wart - we ignored him and he went away!;)

RAS

Sea78 wrote: »

His family now know. I'm not welcome at their 'family' house anymore (according to him, but they aren't really making any effort with me). Sea xxx

Sea

It is essential that you maintain good relations with his family for the childen's sake. Things are going to be rough, so let them have access to people who will treat them occasionally.

OH says you are not welcome. So what. You already know he edits the truth. What do they say????

One a more pragmatic note, when my mum separated from my dad, she did not let on to any one in her family what what had happened. This caused huge lots of trouble, not least because my dad used to visit them and play prince charming. Up to the death of my favourite uncle, they all thought we were a toffy nosed gits who did not want to talk to them.

It was less than 10 years ago that I found out that even her closest sister, who was to be our guardian, did not know half of what went on. I was talking about the problems between my brother and I when I heard a "silent thump" at the other end of the phone and then she repeated back what I had said. We had been excluded from family events because prince charming had been telling his version of events (poor thing whose wife had turned his kids against him and made outrageous allegations).

He is dead but the families who could not even send a Christmas card now invite us to family events. Our aunt told dad's greatest admirers about the battering, the theiving, the adultery and the homelessness (3 lost in 12 months).

It is essential that you maintain contact and that you tell the truth when asked, but avoid bad mouthing him.

Strangely enough, mum was more honest with his family and we really get on well even though there was a lot of history there too.

Sea78

I know RAS - I've been out and bought cards for his brother as it's his birthday - just about to get DD to write hers. MIL also looks after DD one day a week so that'll be good - although OH will take her as usual. I don't see myself having that much contact with them but neither will I bad mouth them in front of children etc. They are beginning to see what OH is like but think this will all blow over.

OH just cam back to help with the Ebaying - gave me a lift to the PO and back (good job as I'm not sure I could have made it). He said we'll sort out the money I need tomorrow as it's causing a lot of stress - not really sure what he means here and hten asked me to iron him a shirt for the meal he's off to tonight. I'm all over the place and just don't get it. I don't want to continue like this and so to me we're splitting - but one day he agrees, the next he doesn't and I just don't know what he thinks is going on. He won't really talk about it.

Transferred quite a bit of money over from the Ebaying to cover bills this month anyway so that's all fine for now. Will be listing lots tonight!


Hearing all your experiences makes me realise how lucky I am really, although I don't want to be with my OH due to our problems I realise our problems aren't nearly as bad as some hve experienced and hopefully we can stop them getting worse for the chldren.

Sea xx

RAS

Just to say, hope today was better. If not, hope tomorrow is better. Keep with it.

Speak to you tomorrow.