Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

Sea78

Bunnyinthelights wrote:

Sea,
I don't mean to stress you out more but the DMP will be cancelled if OH gets a CC. It's against their 'rules' to obtain more credit whilst doing a DMP.

And (not to be a horrible doom-monger, honest) I tend to find that people that worry about their OH's sleeping about, drugs etc is because THEY do it so expect everyone to be the same as them...SOrry-my opinion...

Honestly, tell the man to take a long walk of a short pier...
Bunny x

Thanks...I'm the one with the DMP, he's only on it as an income adder - does this still count?:eek: I didn't even think that hw was really part of the DMP to be honest. Oh pants. If it does count, he will be cancelling it tomorrow!

I honestly, hand on heart, don't think he's doing it. I was young and carefree when I met him and wasn't really looking for a relationship so it was mainly him pushing for commitment. I think he still thinks I might just up and wonder into someone else's bed! AS IF.

But, AMAZING thing happened - because I kept calm and told him he was being a !!!!!!, and hung up on him, I received an apology text, saying he'd been a drunken fool and then a phonecall saying he'd buy me a Chinese tonight (with what, I thought, but he's doing some work for a friend so he's getting money for that I think). Have got home, not really talking, but at least it's not as bad as it would be if he'd not apologised.

Am going to try to raise as much money as I can in the next few weeks. Also now looking into downgrading the car, although it's been battered a bit so not sure if it's worth it! At least the car is in my name!

Thanks for your message.

Sea xxxx

Sea78

dinkytwostep wrote:

Hello Sea - I'm a long time lurker who has only recently joined the DFW board (was going to call myself "lurkalot" but that brought other things to mind...LOL).

Is there any chance you could get another break to your mum's sometime soon? (It'll give you something positive to look forward to). You know you can relax (isn't it a wonderful feeling!).

Now you're about half-way through the six weeks you really need to start gathering the info you need to help you make your decision. Can you ring CCCS and ask them for advice as to what YOU should do re your own finances. That way you can plan what to do if you decide to split up. Next contact a solicitor and request a free halfhour consultation (maybe CAB can help with names?). Ask the questions you need to ask re the house & Mortgage & childcare & Costs.... again you need to know this. You're a person who doesn't decide things on impulse - especially with the children - and it gives you some time to think things over before going back to Relate.
Be kind to yourself... You've had to do an awful lot over the past year..and are coping fantastically.....
WELL DONE YOU !!!

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. It also made me laugh - lurkalot indeed :rotfl:

I might look into the free consultation, just to know where I stand. It'll have to be in a week or so when I go back to my normal hours at work.

I think I'll be going back to my mum's soon and this weekend my friend is coming to stay, although she's also OH's friend so can't really talk about stuff.

Sea xx

jinky67

Glad to see you're still hanging in there.I now think your OH is even more of a twerp than I first thought:mad: .But my question is ---this why cant you talk to your friend? Does she know what OH is really like,do you think she would tell him what you said? In my opinion you have spent so long listening to OH that some things still aren't clear.Talk to this friend please maybe she doesn't realise that he is doing all this,she might be able to tell you if he has always been a jealous,insecure scrap of humanity.If she is a true friend she should be supportive.Your OH, in a way, relies on you not to tell

---

control,self esteem etc---make you feel there is no-one there for you so you cant possibily leave him.
That all for now but keep your chin up you know what they say Don't let the B'stards bring you down.:A

Bunnyinthelights

Sea,
Sorry about that! I didn't realise it was your DMP (like my situation then! DH has a credit card and WHEN he uses it, like once a year, he pays it off in full that month *sigh*)
I'm glad he had the decency to apologise. Did you get the Chinese? lol
Keep your chin up, you really are one strong lady. Imagine what you could achieve with love, kindness and support?
Bunny x x

Sea78

well, must be something in this positive thinking stuff (mind you, I have only been trying to look for the positives today and I found it REALLY hard, which in its self I found rather sad )

Had another row today, both of us on edge - I rang him to vent, not at him, but in general. I need to do this and this is not ever going to change! he thought I was having a go so huge prolonged insult slinging match ensued.

however, I said that I think we both know what we;d be doing if it weren't for the debt (oops, didn't mean to) and I think he was quite shocked. I don't think he'd *got* that yet:rolleyes:

Anyway, we ended up having a decent chat and the outcome is that I apologised for being screechy (I was!) and he apologised too :eek: AND said he'll really try to be more empathetic and supportive and listen to what I was saying rather than just ignoring me as usual - well, at least he admits it!

Baby steps, and no doubt tomorrow he'll do something to annoy me again, but about halfway through I'm feeling a bit better. Still trying and then I know I won't ever regret anything.

Just thought I'd update anyway.

Sea xxx

lou_lou_skinty_poos

hey sea with regards to the way your hubby was accusing you and how you have cut people out of ure life because of him my bf is exactly the same always accsuing me of doing stuff i havent and moaning about a male friend of mine whom i havnt seen because of him anyway just wanted to let you know ure not alone in putting up with this c**p i do too to a certain extent hope things improve for you soon good luck keep us updated

Sea78

Thanks hon - hugs to you xx

We actually had our first hug in quite a few weeks tonight! I know, I know, hardly headline news, but being positive- or trying to be

Sea xx

lonely_2

Hello Sea

We spoke a couple of weeks back. I just wanted to ask, are you staying with your partner for the kids, or so he can help pay off the debts? Also, how come the DMP is in just your name? Was it only you that rung them up?

I cannot judge you because I think if I was you (and I am assuming these are debts that you have rung up by yourself - just like me in my situation), I would probably feel so guilty that I would be prepared to put up with a lot of s*** from my OH if he started acting in the way you have described your OH has been. BUT if you have children together, then I assume a lot of this money has gone on them. Therefore, he cannot just bury his head in the sand, waste his money on alcohol, get a new credit card and fantasise about x boxes - whilst you struggle to bring up you and your children on a tight DMP budget.

You do not deserve to be made to feel like you are worthless/mad/neurotic. If he has made you stop seeing friends, just because HE didn't like them, then he sounds like he is projecting all his insecurities on to you. PLEASE DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS ANY LONGER.

Like I said before, I can't judge you or tell you what to do. I, myself, if you recall, couldn't even find the courage to tell my OH about this horrible but self-inflicted situation I've got myself in. I'm so scared he will no longer respect me, no longer trust me, and worse still start watching me like a hawk. But if I was in your situation, I would seriously consider all my options. Is this man a good dad (from what you've said he doesn't sound it - but then months of being ill could be wearing down his confidence)? Is this really something that a hug and a Chinese takeaway can rectify? What are the real reasons you are with him? Will he ever face up to the fact that he has an alcohol problem (believe me he does)? Are you ever going to get yourself out of debt whilst he is around?

You should have a good long think - you may realise that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for...whatever happens you must make the right decision for you and your kids.

Good luck xxx

misspoppy

Hi Sea

I didn't think you'd make this much progress with him a HUG is a big thing to celebrate given how strained things are. You do need to think about what you want and not what the debt needs. The very worst that could happen is that you have to go bankrupt if you leave, but it won't matter too much as you will be in control of your future and you will never get into that mess again. OK there will be some restrictions for a while, but you will be free to enjoy your children and life. Currently that isn't the case, you are working your socks off to make things better for your family while your husband is doing his best to put a spanner in the works.

Keep plodding but don't forget that you should be in a relationship that you want to be in not that you have to be in.

funnyflip_2

:grouphug: Your doing a sterling job for your kids and your DH?! and yourself
and like you said youv'e tried your hardest!! Keep going it looks like you might be getting somewhere too!!
Remember he may just be being defensive and as scared as you are (Hiding his feelings!!??) ? ! (Just maybe)

Hope all is going well take it easy xx