Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

beanielou

Hope your selling goes well & u got your shoes ok!
Take care

Sea78

Hi

Well, couldn't sell the jewellry - ended up at inlaws house and picking up niece to take to beach as well (was great!). OH mentioned selling the necklace at which point I started crying(?????) and so went into a different room. M-i-L said she would have kids mroe if I did supply work, which is nice (probably only a day a week, but still, a good amount of money). However, I can't just use this to have a 'life' as it's never me who does, so I will want it to go into savings for possibel full and finals or in to the CCCS. He is unimpressed. I said any overtime he gets he could have as 'his' to do what he wants with if it's a big issue.

OH has realised full extent of difficulties and is finding it hard to cope with- blaming me for debt etc. Now saying he can't live like this for another 5/6 years, needs to have more money, needs to be able to go out etc. Actually fair enough, but I said he'd have to get the money. All the things I'm ebaying etc were bought with credit cards etc. so need to really be used to pay it off in my eyes.

His sisters have started on (now they know the full extent which is what came out today) about why don't we get a £38,000 consolidation loan. *sigh*

He's on xbox again and I'm just going to leave him for now I think. Brought up the drinking and he asked if I ever thought there was a reason for it (ie me). Didn't know what to say about that one!
Sea xx

lou_lou_skinty_poos

your partner really needs to get his head out of the sand and start taking responsibility for the debts maybe you should shock him and say your considering going bankrupt and as you own half the house this would be included in your bankrupcy. this mite shock him into realising your a partnership and what affects you affects him!!!

Tondella

Sea78 - you have the patience of a saint. x

helkingst

Tondella wrote:

Sea78 - you have the patience of a saint. x

Hi sea78,
Just to let you know that not all men are the same and some of us do try and help out a bit. I think that the amount of drink seems a big problem ( but im not being judgemental as i dont drink more than about 8 cans a month) We have just entered into an iva and are trying to get our problems sorted out and i feel that it has to take both to make it work. It is hard as my wife has suffered from clinical depression and has only just returned to work and im suffering from depression as well due to many family and financial problems over the last few years. i have found this site a comfort in that i know im not the only one with problems nad it gives inspiration to people to help themselves more. Good luck anyway. By the way this my first post on this site as ive been a bit scared of posting and discussing things with people. And im a bloke!!!!!!!

misspoppy

Hi Sea

If you do some supply work hide the money in an account as escape fund money. Don't feel guilty if he stopped drinking it would save a foretune as he won't then you should have some money for you. If you do decide to leave at any point in the future you know he will be a pain in the rear end and so if you have some money saved up hiden away you will always know that you don't have to put up with his terrible behaviour.

Keep going I'm sure your future will become clear at the end of the 6 weeks.

Sea78

Thanks for your messages- I just saw the new ones!

helkingst - welcome to the board! Thanks for you message. I know all men are far from like this, I guess in a way that's why I'm getting frustrated with him!

A short update - pulling my hair ou t really! I don't know what to do for the best. He refuses point blank to go to relate, my moods seem directly connected to him (ie I'm fine when he's not around and am good with the kids etc), he's been on the phone this morning accusing me of allsorts becasue he can't understand why I would stay at my friend's house (my mum has the kids as I'm in Leeds this weekend staying with her and seeing friends) and assumes it would only be to take drugs (no, I have said to him before that I won't) and sleep with men (er, no. married.).

He is just being impossible - I personally don't think I can be with someone who dictates who I can or can't see and what I can do. I've already cut a lot of people out of my life or only contact them by letter/email/phone as he doesn't like them. All he says is for my to imagine the shoe was on the other foot. I honestly don't care what he gets up to when I'm not there (I trust him) and so am not bothered what he does/who he sees.

When we moved up here from London he promised that he'd be better but things haven't improved on the whole trust thing. If he's not going to seek professional help with me I just can't see anyway to et over it.

Also he has gone out and GOT A CREDIT CARD. I give up. Yesterday the car died and he said on the phone that it was a bloody good job he had that card, but it's nonsense - we have saved money for the car now. Grrr.

I know what I would do if the finances weren't the way they were but I don't know what to do now. Sorry to offload like this but I really feel like I'm hitting my head off a brick wall. I'm tired as well as have been doing more supply, while still maintaining (or not!) the house as usual (I do a lot more as am parttime although he's been off for 3 months).

Pants.

Sea xxx

Andy_Edinburgh

Gosh, frankly your partner sounds like an immature, irresponsible bully; you are showing great maturity and strength of character by facing up to your debts in this way, and he just seems determined to undermine you at every stage. Not much I can say to make things better, but please don't let yourself be twisted and manipulated into believing any rubbish about how HIS choice to spend and drink irresponsibly is somehow your "fault".

Bunnyinthelights

Sea,
I don't mean to stress you out more but the DMP will be cancelled if OH gets a CC. It's against their 'rules' to obtain more credit whilst doing a DMP.

And (not to be a horrible doom-monger, honest) I tend to find that people that worry about their OH's sleeping about, drugs etc is because THEY do it so expect everyone to be the same as them...SOrry-my opinion...

Honestly, tell the man to take a long walk of a short pier...
Bunny x

dinkytwostep

Hello Sea - I'm a long time lurker who has only recently joined the DFW board (was going to call myself "lurkalot" but that brought other things to mind...LOL).

You poor soul. You are really between a rock & a hard place at the moment (BIG HUG to you). Well done you on almost being halfway through the challenge your relate advisor gave you. You're into your 3rd week of six and you are still giving your all. No wonder you are tired. The two children alone would tire you out ...as would the pain in your back.. never mind having to walk about on eggshells because the the OH is not helping.
HUGE HUG>>>>
Is there any chance you could get another break to your mum's sometime soon? (It'll give you something positive to look forward to). You know you can relax (isn't it a wonderful feeling!).
Now you're about half-way through the six weeks you really need to start gathering the info you need to help you make your decision. Can you ring CCCS and ask them for advice as to what YOU should do re your own finances. That way you can plan what to do if you decide to split up. Next contact a solicitor and request a free halfhour consultation (maybe CAB can help with names?). Ask the questions you need to ask re the house & Mortgage & childcare & Costs.... again you need to know this. You're a person who doesn't decide things on impulse - especially with the children - and it gives you some time to think things over before going back to Relate.
Be kind to yourself... You've had to do an awful lot over the past year..and are coping fantastically.....
WELL DONE YOU !!!