Grrrr Problems with OH over DMP

Sea78

Bunnyinthelights wrote:

Sea,
That sounds a very sensible plan.
I guess if you can say hand on heart you have tried EVERYTHING then you can then decide what is the best way to sort out the mess...There is nothing worse than having regrets.
Don't worry about ranting-we all have moments and it's nice to know others can empathise.
Bunny x

Thanks hon - I agree about the regrets - and the timescale doesn't seem too awful. It will involve biting my tongue a LOT, including twice already this morning and he isn't up yet. DS was a nightmare last night and ended up in bed with me climbing all over me all night, and then looking bright eyed and bushy tailed at 7am - why?? I look haggard! Had to run into the street as I forgot to put the bin out so ran out in pjs & dressing gown, hair looking splendid:eek: to get the bin out - so have taken more painkillers:mad: DD did appear at the door shouting hello at the binmen so that made me smile. They didn't respond (not the usual one who usually waves through the window).

Sea xxx

chevalier

Sea78 wrote:

Thanks hon - I agree about the regrets - and the timescale doesn't seem too awful. It will involve biting my tongue a LOT, including twice already this morning and he isn't up yet.
Sea xxx

Sorry have I missed something, does your OH not work?
chev

Wannabesaver_4

hi Sea :hello:

i have been reading your thread over the last few days and i wanted to share something with you - its not advice just some part of my story.

Just before Christmas i discovered my father was an alcoholic - i never knew and i tknow now he had been spending a large amount of money of booze as well. Only after i found this out did so many things fall into place... He changed from the person i knew to someone who didnt care for or about anyone else, woudl sit and watch TV or sleep and had no interest in doing anything else. The light went from his eyes, said he was fine and it was everyone elses problem if you confronted him about it and so much more. I felt totally unloved by a man who used to think the world of me.

The term alcoholic is thrown around so much we are all so scared of the word and its implications. The fact is i am now seeing the results of years of abuse, he has had two strokes since xmas and has been left now in a very poor state. Only now has he finally realised what the drink has done to him and he is devastated by it. He only came to terms with it when a doctor confronted him with the word.

I am not an expert but spending £160 a month on drink implys he has a drink problem. You do not have depression. He needs to see someone very quickly. If you still love the person he was you may be lucky and get him back but you need to remove the drink from your relationship or i am afriad you may never see that person again.

I hope this doesnt upset you - it wasnt meant to but i undestand the frustatraion of loving someone you sense is still there underneath all the c**P and not knowing how to pull them out. In the face of adveristy it woudl be easy to walk away but he probably cant do this on his own.

Good Luck Sea - Let us know how things progress.

x

Sea78

chevalier wrote:

Sorry have I missed something, does your OH not work?
chev

He's been off sick for 2 1/2 months due to his back pain and the affects of taking Volteroll (sp?) for over 2 years. The combination of different drug regimes made him loose over 2 stone in a couple of months so he went to the dr who signed him off and now keeps doing so. He finally got the physio app last week so now has exercises and also has acupunture (but that finishes next week). He tries not to take the medication as he is aware that it can be addictive (!!!). He can't be very active and is in pain - the reason why he couldn't come to my mum's for DD's bday party. However, when he wants it seems he's able to get through tthe pain. I am sympathetic and obviously I have no idea what it's like to live with Chronic pain, it's just difficult when he manages to do the things he likes through the pain etc.

Sea xx

Sea78

Wannabesaver wrote:

hi Sea :hello:

i have been reading your thread over the last few days and i wanted to share something with you - its not advice just some part of my story.

Just before Christmas i discovered my father was an alcoholic - i never knew and i tknow now he had been spending a large amount of money of booze as well. Only after i found this out did so many things fall into place... He changed from the person i knew to someone who didnt care for or about anyone else, woudl sit and watch TV or sleep and had no interest in doing anything else. The light went from his eyes, said he was fine and it was everyone elses problem if you confronted him about it and so much more. I felt totally unloved by a man who used to think the world of me.


I am not an expert but spending £160 a month on drink implys he has a drink problem. You do not have depression. He needs to see someone very quickly. If you still love the person he was you may be lucky and get him back but you need to remove the drink from your relationship or i am afriad you may never see that person again.


x

I know. his family are all big drinkers and it's not seen to be an issue in their family. His brother drinks the same as well - not saying it's right - and he functions fine. Obviously, whether his liver is ok is another matter.

He adimently (again, not sure what's up with my ability to spell today!) denies any kind of drink problem. I have raised it a lot over the years. I'm now worried about my ds (and dd) and the fact they are growing up with someone who drinks so regularly and they might think that's ok...just another thing to worry about

How is your dad now? Is your relationship improving? I do hope so. xx

misspoppy

Hi

I have a chronic pain condition and even the mildest of these drugs tell you not to drink on them, this could be very serious for his health. Also he isn't helping himself sitting playing the game thing all day everyday I know all too well how hard it is to move when you are in pain but he must, exercise is the only way to ease a bad back.

I know money is tight but an osteopath has worked wonders for me. Pain is one of those things you have to fight it to beat it and it might be worth speaking to his dr.

Wannabesaver_4

Again i can understand your OH being adamant that he has not good a problem... dad did the same thing ....its inherent in alcoholics to not think they have a problem.

Our relationship is fine and no matter what he will always have my support. but saying that if they wont admit there is a problem then there is little you can do to help. They can be like a sinking ship - you have to be careful they dont pull you down in the swell!

X

1_step_closer

Hi sweetie!

Firstly a massive ((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))) for you and your children.

Was your hubby a nice person before all this started? If he was is there any chance that person could come back? It sounds like he is in a vicious circle, being off work, drinking, being up late, staying in bed late, etc etc.

I agree about keeping a log of everything negative he does - but put down your positive things too and any proactive actions you have taken. It all helps if you do decide to end it and it gets messy in court.

It may be worthwhile getting in touch with AA yourself - I think theyhave a families section but I'm not sure. and it could help you?

All the best to you!

Sea78

Thanks - I'll have a look at the AA website for advice - and may be approach the subject soonish.

Sea xx

Tondella

Edit: only realised after posting that this thread has become more involved than just dealing with the problem in the original post - but thought i would leave the message up anyway, as a sign of support. good luck

OberonSH wrote:

Hey love, you have a mona. I'd say 'okay, you can have your subscription, but that means it has to come out of your beer money, or you have to find it yourself.'

Have you done your budgets to allow a bit of money for you both to get personal stuff?

I agree with oberonSH, one of the best ways of getting my OH to understand budgeting was to make him see that if money was spent on one thing then it wouldn't be spent on another - so if your OH wants his x-box subscription then it can come out of the beer money. That will start him thinking about how much he really wants the subscription.

If you try to find extra money for things then that just gives the impression that there is more give in the system than there really is.

sounds like you are doing really well otherwise, keep up the good work