Not sure what to make of it

make_me_wise

bell12 wrote: »

Yesterday me and husband go to the petrol station, he pays for £5 petrol and says I owe him the money. We make our way to Asda and I offer to buy him a pack of 10 fags and give him my debit card to buy them as I looked around the shop.

He bought a pack of 20 instead and hid them so I wouldn't know.

Are things really that brassic that you owe him and he owes you etc etc. Its up to individual couples how they sort their finances of course. Whether it all goes into one big pot or they have seperate accounts.

I think a frank discussion about your budget and being open with each other over how to manage your finances would be a good starting point. Nip it in the bud now before this carry on leads to resentment and friction.

Sox77

KiKi wrote: »

But there may be a reason.

And to suggest that someone end a marriage because of something that might be able to be easily resolved is crazy.

People make mistakes, and in a relationship you have to work at that, not drop someone the moment they screw up or need help, in what was otherwise a good relationship.

KiKi

I couldn't agree more. The OP said she thought her husband didn't have any bad points until now - that's practically unheard of in my experience! I love my hubby despite him being grumpy and grinding his teeth (amongst many other things) and he loves me despite me being stroppy and bossy because we accept each other as we are. It sounds like your husband has had a few bad days caused by some financial issues, just sit down and talk it out. That's all.

I have never understood the whole my money/his money thing, although I am the only wage earner in this house our money is our money - that said we both have similar attitudes towards spending so I guess that helps make it easier.

Hope you get it all sorted out OP

piccybabes

Right - I'm not here to stir up trouble, but I thought it would be useful to look at this from a typical male psychological perspective. ( I think I am one - approching muddle age - 2 kids- semi detached house).

Men find it very difficult to accept that they are not the primary party in a relationship. By primary I mean top dog in a way. Most men feel ( but may not act in a way) that they are the head of a family. By head I don't mean boss, but the leader, responsible for everything and everybody.

When money is tight, men feel inferior, as if they have failed in some way to hunt down the sabre toothed tiger and bring food home. This leads them to take what some see as irrational actions.

If I was to be confronted by my partner over the borrowing/stealing my response would most probably be defensive and I would probably have reacted in the same way by saying that I was going to pay it back. If I hadn't been caught I probably would not have paid it back.

This would only apply if we had separate "pots". We don't in practice and I have posted before about our approach to finances and the question of "value".

OP you need to choose your timing and words carefully. Please remember your partner is embarassed about what he did. Suggest you put some time aside to discuss finances and get a single joint account that you both contribute to, both can check on line and things like petrol ( necessary expenditure) and cigarettes ( Discretionary IMHO) can come out of it.

PolishBigSpender

You people have got the most weird marrieges. I thought that in marriage the money belong equally to both partners? Me and my husband quite happily use each other's cards, the money is ours, not mine or his.
That said, we also tell each other how much we spend and what we buy. Being sneaky is not on.

pink_princess

PolishBigSpender wrote: »

You people have got the most weird marrieges. I thought that in marriage the money belong equally to both partners? Me and my husband quite happily use each other's cards, the money is ours, not mine or his.
That said, we also tell each other how much we spend and what we buy. Being sneaky is not on.

My husband & I use any cards, my account, his account or Joint accounts but we would not tell each other how much we have spent.
We would how ever know that if either of us was to spend a large amount we would let the other know first.
It is the sneakiness against the budget is a big problem, whether that is £5 petrol or a nice Jasper Conran bag.
Op I hope things are better for you x

victory

I would not go as far as to say it was stealing but it certainly is not an honest way to go about a relationship, def not worth throwing it out because of it no way but I am not sure you would do that to a friend who had asked to borrow some money and then abuse it that bit more by buying 10 instead of 20, it is about respect, there was a lack of respect there, needs to be talked about, will it happen again? Has it happened before? Is there are reason for this? Does financial management need to be talked about? Is OH ashamed to have asked? Does he feel guilty over the way he handled it?

Talking always good to get to the bottom of it, it is more than a pack of cigs and a bit of petrol is it not?