feel like all my dreams have been snatched :-(

Padstow

victory wrote: »

They could come and visit, stay over, she could go there for half term, they could spend some summer hols together? Facebook, twitter, emails, texts, phones, it does not have to be the end

She's fourteen for Heaven's sake, she shouldn't have a boyfriend.
Friends who are boys, of course, but they should just be part of her circle of friends.

Seanymph

I'm afraid I agree totally and utterly with JoJo.

I'm a mum, I chose to have children, I have to prioritise their wellbeing. That's my first role in life.

THEN I am xxx's g/f and eventually 'the woman who cleans the house' with any number of other roles in between.

But first and foremost my job at the moment is raising my children, giving them a secure and balanced view of the world, and making sure they are growing into decent adults.

Of course the OP shouldn't be dictated to by a child. But just because she's the adult doesn't mean the feelings of those with less years on the planet don't matter. This is a FAMILY move, and will affect both children hugely, their entire future lives, not to mention their father, and their relationship with him as they grow up through teenage years.

For what? Well, the OP and this chap have time behind them, but not contact - it's amazing how different it is when you are under the same roof, adjusting between two sets of children and two exes and resentful kids. It will not be an easy move. And dragging a reluctant teen is a recipe for failure.

I have always given my children weight when making family decisions - I chose a school they didn't want once, but as an adult I made a decision based on what I thought was best for them, one remained there, one never settled and ended up at her first choice - because I respected her enough to listen to what she said and respond to it.

There is no decision here about what is best for the children. It is rarely best for children to be dragged from one parent, and all they know, there would need to be a good reason 'my boyfriend won't drag his child that far so I have to' isn't a good reason. He's prioritising his child. So should the OP.

Gillyx

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I assumed that she wouldn't be starting GCSEs until September 2012 but if she's in the middle of them now, I'd agree with you and put off the move until 2013.

It's Scottish Standard Grades as far as I am aware and the sylabus is taught over 2 years (or it was 7 years, god has it been that long, ago when I took the exams) she said her daughter would be going into 4th year, which would indicate to me she's in 3rd year now.

I know a lot schools may teach things in the same order etc but its not guaranteed.

Apologies for any grammar/typo errors, on my phone.

FBaby

I think it is going to be very difficult to know whether you are doing the right thing no matter what you choose. Just one question, sorry if I missed the answer, but did your children have to change residence and school when you separated from their dad? If, it means 2 changes in less than three years and that can be quite a lot.

When I was 14, my mum announced that we would be moving across the country to live with her partner. I took it very badly because we had only recently moved and I'd had to adapt to a new environment, make new friends, and I found that it became harder everytime as I got older (we moved more than once). That last time, I struggled to do so, took me months to make new friends and feeling happy, so the prospect of having to start all over again was devastating. As it turned out, my mum and partner fell out and we came back about three months later, but when she decided to try again a year later, i put my foot down. I couldn't move with my dad as I didn't get along with my step-mum, so ended up in a boarding school that allowed me to go to my old school during the day. It was the hardest year of my life, feeling rejected by every part of my life at a time when I desperately needed support and reassurance (I felt very self conscious). In hindsght, I think I did feel that my mum had abandonned me, not so much because of her going to live with my partner, but because her life became so separate to mine, we just didn't have that much in common to share. It didn't get better and even though we are still a family, I just don't have the closeness with her most of my friends seem to have with their mum.

Because of that, I always promised I would do the same to my kids. After I separated from their dad, I debated going back to where I'm from where life as a single mum would have been much easier. The kids were young enough them to have adjusted, but I now know it is too late. At 9 and 12, they are very settled and I know they would find it very hard. We moved a year ago with my partner, and although it was only 1/2 hour away and so we are still very much in contact with friends, I was worried about how they would adapt. They have done brilliantly an i believe are happy, but a year on, both still miss our old home and school. I dare not to think what it would be if it was further away and after they have settled even more where they are.

Saying that, I do believe that it could very much be a case of them struggling for a few weeks and then loving it in your new place. I can also totally understand how much you must want to live with your partner. I waited 2 years to move with mine, and that was with us living only 1/2 hour away and him not having any children, and I so desperately wanted to finally be with him every day, so I do really feel for you.

I think all you can do is talk to her about it, not by telling her that it will definitely happen, but asking her to consider it in light of how you feel. You as a mum have a responsibility to take her feelings into account as you are responsible for her well-being, however, as a 14 year old, your daughter is old enough to understand that life doesn't revolve around her only and that you do have to make compromises.

Good luck with it all, I really hope that whatever decision you take, you will look back and know you made the right one.

pyjamadays

thanks for your replies.
she's not in a serious relationship with this boy, she's been seeing him for 2 weeks lol!
we have just recently moved house 6 months ago from the family house (ex was living with his parents until we moved out). both children have changed schools but 14 yr old had to anyway as her secondary school shut down. they did both take a while to settle into the new schools but now they both like it and have made friends so i know that it will be the same if the move took place.
there dad is aware about the move and it wont come to court action or anything like that. the children go out to his once a week sometimes twice but it usually takes a lot of persuassion, the 14yr old goes goes to stay at his once a month. he knows that ultimatley they would choose to stay with me.
ive tried talking to her about it but she tends to get all stroppy and storms off, she says it her friends that told her they would all be gone in different directions and she'd be forgotten about-nice huh!
if she really doesn't want to move until her exams are over then i am prepared to wait until then, but at the moment i think she's using that as an excuse.
about 4 months ago she had a lot of confidence problems and was being bullied at school, she began self harming and on anti depressants. she was determined to move and was all she focused on. i said to her to wait until she was better in herself so that she wasn't moving away to run away from her problems as they'd still be there.
im hoping that she'll agree to give it a go and if it doesn't work out or she's not happy we'll either all come back or she can come back with her dad. but i do think i'll look back like someone else said and wish i had gone, i already do...i wanted to move years ago but ex wouldn't so we stayed.
i haven't decided entirly if we will be living with my partner or not. it is an option but i was thinking to live seperatly to begin with so it's easier on the children and they'll get to know him better but we'd all be in the same town.
its not a case of him putting his child first, if he could move here he would, but all he would have here is me, there is very little job opportunities here and it's getting worse. i would have him & a good part of my family there too (brothers and sisters) which is the main reason for us doing the move. even if he could come and live here at the end of the day my aim is still to be living there.

claire16c

I think you really need to wait for a couple of years until your oldest has finished her exams. Moving school at that age would be a total nightmare, trying to catch up with what a new school is learning, like new texts as someone else said, fitting into already made friendship groups etc. I wouldnt be so worried about taking a 14 yr old away from a boyfriend as they might not be with them 2 mins later, but schooling and friends are the important things at that age. At the least let her live with her Dad- but then be prepared for the possibility of her never forgiving you for leaving her for your partner.

Your son would then be 12, and I guess changing schools at around that age anyway? Im not sure what you mean by noticing girls at that age? Seems very odd to be worrying about moving a boy away from girls he knows!!!??

If your relationship is that strong, then Im sure you could make it last for another couple of years long distance. If you have already assumed it wont, then I guess that shows how much you think its really worth it. If you are in it for the long haul whats another couple of years?

FBaby

Why didn't you arrange that move 6 months ago then? I can totally feel for your DD in light of my own experience. She cleary struggle to adjust to a new school, dealing with bullying affecting her self-esteem. She finally got to the point of feeling happier with herself and I can imagine how much she must dread the prospect of having to go through it all over again.

Give her some time and see how things go. Bring it up again once in a while and see how she responds but as things are now, i certainly wouldn't impose it on her.

pyjamadays

i didn't mean moving him away from girls he knows in that sense, i mean that my 14yr old is already forming her own friendships and relationships, in a couple of years he'll be at that stage too. i don't think from here and onwards there's ever going to be a right time.
the only reason im not sure if my relatonships can last is due to the fact it cost us nearly £200 each time we visit each other, more if the children come too. long distance relationships are hard, to be constantly missing someone, i do have my own life and try to get on the best i can. the last couple of years have been very hard,focusing on moving away is what gets me through each day. it may sound pathetic to pine for somene that much but i can't help the way i am!!

pyjamadays

i didn't arrange the move 6 months ago because i felt it was too much of an upheavel for them and i didn't think she could cope with it the way things were with her. now i wish i had!! i also wasn't sure if moving was the right thing or if it was a spur of the moment thing ect so i took time out to think about it and see how we felt a couple of months down the line. everyone was happy to go and the dealine was set ect...until the first love came on the scene then it changed.

Padstow

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Think about it.

Your boyfriend lives miles away, sees his child regularly. Got experience of a toddler. Not grown kids/teenagers. If he has joint residency, then that doesn't change because someone else says so.

You have 2 older children, settled, can see their father easily (even if they choose not to), friends, teachers, a 14 year old is taking their options (or is already in the first year of her GCSE courses), can see how the New Kid is treated at school, pretty much understands their place in the school social hierarchy, they know what they're doing for the next couple of years.

But you want to move (reasonably enough from the adult point of view). If you do that, she will lose everything. She will be totally alone, as a FB status doesn't replace having friends who can give you hugs, never mind a boyfriend. She might not be able to take any subject that she is interested in at a new school, she might be ignored as the new kid, might be bullied, whatever, but at that age, she is unlikely to want to take the risk. Then, on top of that, she would have to get used to living with some bloke who is entirely untested as someone to spend any length of time with or as a live in parent - he started seeing you almost as soon as his kid was born, by the way you have said it - so what is to say he would have the slightest clue how to deal with a 14 year old girl?


You have decided in your own mind that everything would be wonderful if you packed up and walked away from all that she knows. Might be wonderful for you - if the relationship lasts when you see him for more than a couple of days a month. Even your ex has a better track record than that, as he completed 14 years in a marriage.

I'm not convinced that any of your problems would be solved by moving back there. And many, many more would be caused by it, as you'd basically have to give up your children for this man. She's old enough for her wishes to dictate where she lives, and she doesn't want to live there. You say she is only thinking of herself - she thinks exactly the same of you.



If your current situation doesn't make you happy, then you have to make changes that do. At the moment you seem to be dependent upon someone else to make you happy. Not surprising, really, 14 years in a relationship, it broke down, then 26 weeks alone, no wonder someone being interested in you was so welcome. If you hate your job, change it. If you don't have friends, do activities that help you meet some.


I know it's hard, but to have a child choose to leave you early, rather than at 16/18 when they are supposed to, well, you won't forgive yourself if your relationship (where you have probably seen him less than she has seen her boyfriend) fizzles out and you're back there alone with your children settled at their father's and not wanting to move again.

I don't always agree with JtT, but I do with this post, completely.

I'll also add something contentious, like it or not OP.

I would not move my children 300 miles away from their dad, who is willing to take them on, (so a decent dad), for someone who dumped his wife and their new born baby. For you I take it.

If he's that callous, what else might he be capable of? Dumping you and the children for a newer model?

What sort of man would dump his wife and new born child OP? What sort of woman would enable it?

You have a strong maternal instinct to your own children OP and that is admirable.

You seem though to have wiped the boyfriend's wife from your mind, just as he's done. You know, the one who cares for their child on a daily basis?

I wouldn't want a man like that anywhere near my impressionable kids, and your kids will add 2+2 together some day, and see him for the cheat he is, and that their mother colluded in his cheating.

Why on Earth was a new father cruising for a woman anyway? Are you happy that you fulfilled that role?