feel like all my dreams have been snatched :-(

pyjamadays

or rather yes the same part of the country!

Gillyx

I do get the impression you're trying to make it all okay in your own head too. The exams will be the same and after the initial upheaval everything will be fine.

As I said before, settling in at a new school can take a long time, and if in that time the children are learning vital knowledge for upcoming exams, if the pupil is at all stressed, worried, nervous they will have difficulty absorbing the information and not all schools will be able to go back over every single aspect of what they've been taught throughout the year before exam time.

I'm not saying it's a bad idea to go, but don't underestimate how hard it is to be the new girl, and that sometimes you don't just fit right in.

Mojisola

pyjamadays wrote: »

there dad wouldn't be helpful, he would want them with him. she does have the choice to live with either of us but she hardly ever visitis him so in reality she wouldn't like living with him. i don't think at 16 she will magically not need me but more that legally it's her choice where she lives and i can't stop her. i really want her to come with me. i have explained it all to her but she's a teenager, all they think about is themselves lol! i think she does understand what it means to me and i do think she'd be happy there, but i don't want to guilt trip her into it either. i'll talk to her about it again later.

I would suggest that she has a trial run living with her Dad before you move.

pinkclouds

Personally, I'd stay for now and keep the kids happy. Spend this (academic) year trying to talk them round. (That will also allow 14 year old to get standard grades out of the way and 10 year old to finish primary school.) Next year, she could start her higher grades in a new school and he could start secondary school from 1st year. Although... I'd probably still stay if I thought they really wouldn't be happy in the new town/new school catchment area. Even if it's another 10 years, I wouldn't go - there's no way I'd move hundreds of miles away from my kids (assuming they went to their dad's) for the sake of any man.

Switching schools may cause a bit of exam grief. For example, English has a fixed set of books for the set texts, as decreed by the exam board, but each class in each school does a subset of these texts. Like... I think it was higher grade English, my class did Romeo and Juliet for our play but the other class did Death of a Salesman for their set text play. So if you transfer mid-year then you risk ending up revising the "wrong" texts. If you are definitely going to move, I'd strongly recommend moving by August or leaving it till another (academic) year. Even the end of year pre-lims are important because they can be used for appeals if they flunk their finals. If your daughter's exam grades get mucked up... well, I needn't say any more. There's lots of dreams and happy successful kids can be one of them.

I hope things work out for you all.

kittykat100

Just a thought but how would their Dad feel about you taking his kids 300 miles away from him? and how would the kids feel about moving so far away from their Dad?

Kittyx

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Think about it.

Your boyfriend lives miles away, sees his child regularly. Got experience of a toddler. Not grown kids/teenagers. If he has joint residency, then that doesn't change because someone else says so.

You have 2 older children, settled, can see their father easily (even if they choose not to), friends, teachers, a 14 year old is taking their options (or is already in the first year of her GCSE courses), can see how the New Kid is treated at school, pretty much understands their place in the school social hierarchy, they know what they're doing for the next couple of years.

But you want to move (reasonably enough from the adult point of view). If you do that, she will lose everything. She will be totally alone, as a FB status doesn't replace having friends who can give you hugs, never mind a boyfriend. She might not be able to take any subject that she is interested in at a new school, she might be ignored as the new kid, might be bullied, whatever, but at that age, she is unlikely to want to take the risk. Then, on top of that, she would have to get used to living with some bloke who is entirely untested as someone to spend any length of time with or as a live in parent - he started seeing you almost as soon as his kid was born, by the way you have said it - so what is to say he would have the slightest clue how to deal with a 14 year old girl?


You have decided in your own mind that everything would be wonderful if you packed up and walked away from all that she knows. Might be wonderful for you - if the relationship lasts when you see him for more than a couple of days a month. Even your ex has a better track record than that, as he completed 14 years in a marriage.

I'm not convinced that any of your problems would be solved by moving back there. And many, many more would be caused by it, as you'd basically have to give up your children for this man. She's old enough for her wishes to dictate where she lives, and she doesn't want to live there. You say she is only thinking of herself - she thinks exactly the same of you.



If your current situation doesn't make you happy, then you have to make changes that do. At the moment you seem to be dependent upon someone else to make you happy. Not surprising, really, 14 years in a relationship, it broke down, then 26 weeks alone, no wonder someone being interested in you was so welcome. If you hate your job, change it. If you don't have friends, do activities that help you meet some.


I know it's hard, but to have a child choose to leave you early, rather than at 16/18 when they are supposed to, well, you won't forgive yourself if your relationship (where you have probably seen him less than she has seen her boyfriend) fizzles out and you're back there alone with your children settled at their father's and not wanting to move again.

RedBern

On a much smaller scale I moved primary schools for my son when he was about 8, as I wasn't happy with his progress. The new school was 13 miles away, so he knew nobody. He broke his heart crying, but we agreed that we'd give it until Christmas and, if he really didn't like it he could move back (I didn't tell him that would have been over my dead body......) but he agreed. I just said sometimes mums and dads know best, and that he needed to trust us.

After a couple of weeks he came to the kitchen when I was cooking and started talking about school which was unusual. He said "they're really nice at the new school, if the dinner ladies see you inside at dinner time they ask do you want something, or give you a football to take outside". I said well isnt that what happened at your old school, and he looked puzzled and said "no, they just scream 'get out into the playground' at us". Then he just went back into the other room"

I'd continue to negotiate with your daughter, and reach agreement that you both give it a try. Perhaps share some of your apprehension with her, about starting afresh and the excitement and challenges that brings.

Good luck

Oldernotwiser

pyjamadays wrote: »

in what way do you mean tho? do u mean she is the child so i should put everything on hold for longer, or not to let her dictate my future ect?

I think most people feel as I do that you shouldn't let a 14 year old's social life dictate your future.

angelsmomma

pyjamadays wrote: »

hi,
new user for hide my identity from family reading this.
ill try to keep it simple.. 2 & half yrs ago i split with my husband after 14 years, me and my 2 children aged 14 & 10 now live in a seperate house. 2 yrs ago i meant my current partner- to get all slushy, he is amazing and makes me very happy. the only problem is he lives nearly 300 miles away in the town im originally from. the last 2 years we have been visiting each other every month but decided this would be the year to move in with each other. we decided i would move because as i said it's where im from originally so have a lot of family there.
all was fine, my kids knew about it and were happy to go.....but now my daughter has a boyfriend and is refusing to move :-( i understand that it would be hard for her in the beginning to meet new friends and stuff, but in this hi tech world now of texting & facebook she can easily keep in touch and visit. she has asked her dad if she can live with him if i moved, but i can't move without her...if she wants to stay with her dad then so will my son! i hate my job, i hate where i live, everything that has been getting me through each day was knowing that i would be moving soon and be much happier, but now i feel like its all been snatched away i know that sounds incredibly selfish because she is my child and i should do what makes them happy. but in a couple of years time she'll be off at college ect and living her own life.
im really feeling at the moment that if i can't move then there's no point in carrying on the relationship with my partner, its expensive to visit each other and neither of us or on a great wage. he can't move here because he has joint custody of his 2 yr old and the mam wont let him move here with him.
what should i do???:(

My mother said this to me when she chose a boyfriend over me in a similar situation, I then went to live with my dad. I was 15 and am now 55. I have never forgotten it. In fact it is one of the only conversations with my mother I can remember which is very sad since she died without us ever becoming close again.

I have to agree with all Jo Jo has said.

I also don't think taking your 10 year old son away from his father is a good thing if it can be avoided. I have a 10 year old boy and despite him not seeing his dad a lot, they would both be very upset if I moved that distance away.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think most people feel as I do that you shouldn't let a 14 year old's social life dictate your future.

But do you believe that a parent should be prepared to give up their children to move in with a boyfriend they have seen [counts on fingers] roughly 24 times? (once a month for 2 years)

I am not criticising the OP, I can see how attractive the proposition must be to her. But I think she would regret it.