feel like all my dreams have been snatched :-(

LandyAndy

one_hot_minute wrote: »

I'll probably get flamed for this, but I'd never put a new relationship over my kids being settled. Your new partners ex doesn't want her kids moving for a very sensible reason and I personally think you should adopt the same mindset. I can't understand you leaving her with her dad and I also can't understand you upping her 300 miles from where her father and life is. It's an alien concept to me, sorry.

I also think everyone saying, you're the adult, do what you want are being very unfair.

Six years ago we moved 200 miles because of DW's work. DSs were 9 and 11 at the time. Both of them would tell you that moving was a good thing for them.

I think you are falling into the trap of thinking that what is good for the OP is necessarily bad for her children and vice versa. I don't believe this is the case. Perhaps the children will benefit from seeing their mother in a happy, stable relationship?

ETA: I didn't read the whole thread so apologies if this is a point already made.

one_hot_minute

LandyAndy wrote: »

Six years ago we moved 200 miles because of DW's work. DSs were 9 and 11 at the time. Both of them would tell you that moving was a good thing for them.

I think you are falling into the trap of thinking that what is good for the OP is necessarily bad for her children and vice versa. I don't believe this is the case. Perhaps the children will benefit from seeing their mother in a happy, stable relationship?

ETA: I didn't read the whole thread so apologies if this is a point already made.

You're missing the point. The mother and father are divorced. If the OP moves she'll either be leaving her 10 and 14 year old to be raised by their father, putting a new relationship over her kids - I can't get my head round this AT ALL. If she moves she'll be moving them 300 miles away from their father. Divorce happens, yep. But I think when it does you have to be committed to ensuring that the kids are allowed to be close to both parents who love them not selfishly moving them miles from their family and lives or leaving them whilst you eff off to start a new life. The OP's new partner's wife wont allow her kids to move - quite sensibly!

LandyAndy

pyjamadays wrote: »

hi,
new user for hide my identity from family reading this.
ill try to keep it simple.. 2 & half yrs ago i split with my husband after 14 years, me and my 2 children aged 14 & 10 now live in a seperate house. 2 yrs ago i meant my current partner- to get all slushy, he is amazing and makes me very happy. the only problem is he lives nearly 300 miles away in the town im originally from. the last 2 years we have been visiting each other every month but decided this would be the year to move in with each other. we decided i would move because as i said it's where im from originally so have a lot of family there.
all was fine, my kids knew about it and were happy to go.....but now my daughter has a boyfriend and is refusing to move :-( i understand that it would be hard for her in the beginning to meet new friends and stuff, but in this hi tech world now of texting & facebook she can easily keep in touch and visit. she has asked her dad if she can live with him if i moved, but i can't move without her...if she wants to stay with her dad then so will my son! i hate my job, i hate where i live, everything that has been getting me through each day was knowing that i would be moving soon and be much happier, but now i feel like its all been snatched away i know that sounds incredibly selfish because she is my child and i should do what makes them happy. but in a couple of years time she'll be off at college ect and living her own life.
im really feeling at the moment that if i can't move then there's no point in carrying on the relationship with my partner, its expensive to visit each other and neither of us or on a great wage. he can't move here because he has joint custody of his 2 yr old and the mam wont let him move here with him.
what should i do???:(

one_hot_minute wrote: »

You're missing the point. The mother and father are divorced. If the OP moves she'll either be leaving her 10 and 14 year old to be raised by their father, putting a new relationship over her kids - I can't get my head round this AT ALL. If she moves she'll be moving them 300 miles away from their father. Divorce happens, yep. But I think when it does you have to be committed to ensuring that the kids are allowed to be close to both parents who love them not selfishly moving them miles from their family and lives or leaving them whilst you eff off to start a new life. The OP's new partner's wife wont allow her kids to move - quite sensibly!

What's to get your head round?

The move was agreed, the children were happy with the idea, the OP's ex hasn't objected (in the bit of the thread I read). All that has changed is a, almost certainly brief, transient relationship for the DD. The choice seems to be OP is happy and children are a distance from their father (who they don't live with but could certainly visit on occassion) or OP is miserable and children get to see their father, in person, more frequently.

I believe children can be quite profoundly affected by their parents' moods and mental state.

one_hot_minute

LandyAndy wrote: »

What's to get your head round?

I can't get my head round considering leaving your 14 year old daughter to allow a new relationship to flourish OR uprooting her 300 miles which would compromise the father / daughter relationship.

I'm sorry, when you have kids you make the choice to keep their family life stable, even when relationships break down. It's my opinion, you might not agree with it but it's how I feel. The daughter's boyfriend stuff is secondary IMO.

one_hot_minute

LandyAndy wrote: »

I believe children can be quite profoundly affected by their parents' moods and mental state.

Yep, but they also aren't tokens to be uprooted as and when new rellies dictate. The kids happiness must factor in too.

Plans_all_plans

Personally, I wouldn't uproot my child either, at any stage. It could be too harmful to their emotional wellbeing to be moved so far away from family and friends. As an adult, you're able to deal with your emotions and disappointments a whole lot better than a teenager.

LandyAndy

one_hot_minute wrote: »

I can't get my head round considering leaving your 14 year old daughter to allow a new relationship to flourish OR uprooting her 300 miles which would compromise the father / daughter relationship.

I'm sorry, when you have kids you make the choice to keep their family life stable, even when relationships break down. It's my opinion, you might not agree with it but it's how I feel. The daughter's boyfriend stuff is secondary IMO.

I don't disagree with you on the need for a stable family life. Stability isn't just about being physically close.

LandyAndy

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Personally, I wouldn't uproot my child either, at any stage. It could be too harmful to their emotional wellbeing to be moved so far away from family and friends. As an adult, you're able to deal with your emotions and disappointments a whole lot better than a teenager.

My actual experience is entirely to the contrary.

It is, of course, only my experience.

pyjamadays

well things aren't much better,worse in fact :-( i really don't know whats going on and starting to feel like im losing grip of things/her.
after deciding that we wouldn't move this year and would wait until after the exams, she'll then be starting 5th yr and son be stating 1st yr. spoke to her about it letting her know that i had made that desicion thinking of her best interests but also letting her know that how i felt and why i wanted to move (as suggested by others) in the hope that she could see i was thinking of her and not just myself. as i said previously she still wasn't happy with this. it was quite hard to try and talk to her, it was jus me and her and as soon as i started then the eyes started rolling and the attitude was coming out. she doesn't seem prepared to listen to my point of view or take my feelings into consideration-only her own, yet i know this is a teenage thing.
the last few months i really feel like she is taking me for a ride, she expects and wants me to pay for everything she wants, in a way i suppose i did out of guilt from the seperation from her dad, but in the end i couldn't afford the lifestyle she was wanting and felt my son was missing out on getting things so explained to her that i would give her pocket money and she had to make it last and use it however she wanted but when it's gone it's gone. (£30 a month) she also got a contract phone for xmas with the understanding that anything she went over on the contract was paid back to me from her pocket money. aside from that there is a bus stop at the bottom of the road which leaves every hour and comes back every hour, but she will not use it and i run her everywhere. i try to get her to use it saying if i didn't have a car she would have no choice. i think things like all of the above are things she should do for independance and life learning. she always misses the school buses to and from school which also means i have to run her! there is no reason for this as she gets up in plenty time-it's not every day but 3 out of the 5 i'd say.
today a few things happened that ended in an arguement with her shouting at me, called me a !!!!! and said she's now going to live with her dad. he of course is loving this and off she went. i give her dinner money to last the week, after school she said she didn't buy dinner and could i get her sandwich, i told her to use her dinner money as i wasn't giving her dinner money for her to use on other things then for me to have to go and buy it anyway! then she had a stro about having to stand in the que and buy it when she could give me the money and i could get it for her. then at home i asked her if she knew where something was and suddenly i was accusing her of taking things all the time?!
the finale of it all was my son said he wanted to go to his dads tomorrow night, i asked him if he could wait a day as im taking daughter away for 5 nights on wed and wouldn't be seeing him during that time, he was happy with that until she started shouting that i couldn't stop him going to his dads. i admit by this time i was annoyed after the sandwich episode so i shouted at her to be quiet and keep out of it as she was making things worse-this is when i became the !!!!! and she stormed off. writing it down it all seems ridiculous, but it's upsetting for all of us and also my son witnessing her constant moans about things, he is beginning to pick up on it and is copying her, as in everything we do or i suggest he argues about it until either he gets his own way or he'll eventually listen after me having to shout at him.
is she being a typical teenager? i feel like she's taking advantage of me and taking me for a ride, but when i don't back down or try to get her to do things for herself she tries to punish me by saying she'll live with her dad. i think today she thought i'd plead with her not to go, but i felt like it was best for her to go this time.

pyjamadays

im not sure if this makes a difference but she's very into the emo/heavy metal thing just now with her clothing and brightly coloured hair & the attitude of 'i am me, no one can change me and i don't care what anyone thinks.' i let her be this way as i thought after the split and settling in at school she was finding herself. but im not really liking the person she is turning into. we argue a lot about facebook too because every status she writes seems to be a personal attack on someone in her school, i don't agree with this at all and she had things written about her that she found very upsetting.