feel like all my dreams have been snatched :-(

katerinasol

I moved thousands of miles from family and friends to another country with an entirely different culture and language. I thought it was pretty awesome to be honest.

Children aren't fragile little daffodils. They can be quite resilient and actually enjoy new experiences. I think we grow more rigid as we get older. Now, the idea of emigrating again would scare the pants off me and I would probably make up 10 excuses not to do it. Back then I was really excited.

Mojisola

pyjamadays wrote: »

i feel like she's taking advantage of me and taking me for a ride, but when i don't back down or try to get her to do things for herself she tries to punish me by saying she'll live with her dad.

She is taking advantage of the situation!

Time for less consultation and more sticking to your rules. If she misses the bus - tough! If she spends money on the wrong thing, she doesn't get more to replace it.

katerinasol

pyjamadays wrote: »

im not sure if this makes a difference but she's very into the emo/heavy metal thing just now with her clothing and brightly coloured hair & the attitude of 'i am me, no one can change me and i don't care what anyone thinks.' i let her be this way as i thought after the split and settling in at school she was finding herself. but im not really liking the person she is turning into. we argue a lot about facebook too because every status she writes seems to be a personal attack on someone in her school, i don't agree with this at all and she had things written about her that she found very upsetting.

It's a teenage thing probably I know it doesn't make it any easier right now, but I was angry at the whole world until I was a teenager, I know my mum secretly couldn't wait for me to move out! Then once I hit 17/18, I calmed down a lot. Being me and not caring what anyone else thinks sounds familiar too but it's a good thing!

She can probably sense that you're feeling guilty and yeah she probably is milking it a little bit, even subconsciously. She will only do what you let her get away with though - again, from personal experience, I used to push boundaries all the time just to see how far I could push it.

Best of luck to you with everything I hope you do end up moving eventually and everything goes really well!

pyjamadays

thanks everyone, im starting to feel a little less like the worst parent in the world!

pyjamadays

possibly the final piece of advice...possibly not lol! considering she has been taking the !!!! and called me a !!!!! before shouting she was going to live with her dad for 2 weeks...should i make her stick to this?! i have a feeling that after we come back from our pre planned and already paid for expensive trip away that i have a good mind not to take her on now, that she will have changed her mind and want back home. but right now i'm thinking that as a lesson to her that she will be staying with her dad the 2 weeks, then maybe she'll see that she can't use it as a punishment against me?!
i forgot to add above that there was 1 occasion recently she missed the school bus, i ahd told her a few days before that if she misses it again then she will have to get the next regular bus and be late. she knew and agreed to this, yet she phoned her dad asking him to come the 20 miles to run her saying i wouldn't do it (i didn't know this until later on)!!!! he then phoned me annoyed saying i was being to hard on her and that it was due to her depression that she can't sleep and get up ect....now forgive me if im wrong but she has been on anti depressants for 4-6 months now, i see a huge change for the better in her moods (you wouldn't think it after reading this but compared to before!) i think it's important she stand on her own 2 feet in getting the bus like others manage and that he is being to soft and that is an excuse!

Oldernotwiser

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Personally, I wouldn't uproot my child either, at any stage. It could be too harmful to their emotional wellbeing to be moved so far away from family and friends. As an adult, you're able to deal with your emotions and disappointments a whole lot better than a teenager.

I haven't time to go back and check but I'm sure the OP said that she would be moving back to her home area where all her relatives live.

one_hot_minute

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I haven't time to go back and check but I'm sure the OP said that she would be moving back to her home area where all her relatives live.

The maternal family. But 300 miles from the paternal family.

Mojisola

pyjamadays wrote: »

possibly the final piece of advice...possibly not lol! considering she has been taking the !!!! and called me a !!!!! before shouting she was going to live with her dad for 2 weeks...should i make her stick to this?! i have a feeling that after we come back from our pre planned and already paid for expensive trip away that i have a good mind not to take her on now, that she will have changed her mind and want back home. but right now i'm thinking that as a lesson to her that she will be staying with her dad the 2 weeks, then maybe she'll see that she can't use it as a punishment against me?!

There's a lot being said at the moment in the heat of the moment. If she doesn't raise it again, I would let it drop and see what happens when you get back but if she wants to stay with you, it will be on condition she agrees to your rules.

Oldernotwiser

one_hot_minute wrote: »

The maternal family. But 300 miles from the paternal family.

I didn't notice any mention of where the father's family live but it certainly isn't true to say that the children will be taken "far away from family" which was mentioned earlier.

Seanymph

Don't you remember being a teenager?

It sounds like she doesn't feel listened to or understood or valued. All things teenagers are programmed not to feel and as parents we have to strive to prove (again and again).

But when you say 'ok, we won't move yet I understand your objections' you also 'tell her why I want to'.

Well don't - give her a chance to speak and shut up about yourself. Just listen, and value, and understand.

That's what she's shouting out for. Some time and attention goes a lot further than a contract phone or a lift in maintaining a valuable relationship with a teenage.