feel like all my dreams have been snatched :-(

donquine

Speaking as someone who has gone through the Scottish education system, if the OP's DD is in 3rd year, going into 4th year, from an exam POV, this is a terrible time to move.

Whilst I'd never recommend moving during secondary school, if she has to be moved, the only window is going to be between 4th year and 5th year, i.e. not this summer, but next.

The girl would however be picking her Higher subjects blind - yes, she would know from her SG results which subjects she was better at, but she wouldn't know if the teacher at the new school for subject X was amazing or bloody awful, etc.

What grades she gets will affect the rest of her life - her relationship with her BF may not last, the OP's relationship with her OH may not either - but the exam grades will be there for eternity.

Many graduate schemes (assuming she get as far as university and beyond) demand a string of As with first time passes, meaning even resits can't save a lot of candidates. It's impossible to tell whether things will be this strict when the girl finishes her education, but as the adult and parent, the OP cannot dismiss this purely because it suits her to move.

I think the right decision would be to let the girl live with her father, in all honesty.

What is right for the OP and what is right for her DD are not necessarily the same decision. It may make sense for one to move and one to stay, rather than both do the same thing.

That said, I understand why the right decision may also be heart wrenching.

Alikay

I agree with donquine: A 14 years old's boyfriend is not good enough reason to stay put, but her education is, along with the proximity to her dad and extended family. The OP and her partner are adults with responsibilities to other people which need to come before their wish to be together.

The Op's feelings about that fact, going by the thread title are worrying though, and I predict trouble ahead whatever she decides .

blossomhill_2

Difficult situation for you all but if daughter were to split up with her boyfriend she would have even greater need of her friends around her, so any split would not solve the issue. The suggestion of mediation sounds very wise

Pee

I do feel for you but the education issue is a big one... Also you seem to be able to accept your OH needs to be there for his child without seeing the same need for your children to have contact with both parents. If you move away with your daughter how hard will it be for her to maintain a good relationship with her father? I don't know how you would feel about a 14 year old making such a long train journey and how you would fund it regularly. (And the same only more so with the 10 year old.)

If you feel there is no point to your relationship if you can't move closer, then I wonder is this relationship worth causing such distress to your family. Is it the only way that you will be happy?

Keeping_Motivated

I've not read the whole thread so forgive me if this has already been suggested but have you thought/spoken about a comprise of say living with you all week and living with her dad at weekends so she can see her friends/boyfriend? That way she can start building a life at new school and making friend in the new area while keeping regular contact with boyfriend etc at the weekend?

shellsuit

Padstow wrote: »

Keep up, the boyfriend was cheating on his wife, making him an adulterer. Get it?

A boyfriend at fourteen is sexual, like it or not, it's sexual.

Don't care as I don't know the OP , but wish all three children well.

Can you not read?

the reason they split up is because SHE had been cheating on him!!

As for a boyfriend at 14 means something sexual, that's a load of tosh.

I had a BF at 14 and the most sexual thing we did was snog!

Do you think teens wait till they are 16, then because they can legally have sex, go out on their 16th birthday looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Purlease!! :rotfl::rotfl:



OP, If I were you, I wouldn't make the move just yet, not while both children are not on board.

If this guy loves you and you love him, you'll be fine to wait to live together.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I didn't think that a young person could make this decision him/herself until the age of 16 and certainly not at 10.

Children's wishes have been followed by the Family Courts - and Crown Court - at age 5.

Pee

The court will take into account the wishes of children when they are old enough to express them, which is very rare at 5, but very common at 14. It really depends on the individual.

Kyss

I think the best thing for the children is probably for you and your partner to continue to live separately for now. If you moved with the children, it wouldn't be just school, friends and boyfriends that they'd lose, but their father. Having a parent 300 miles away just isn't the same as having them next door. Travelling to see your partner is expensive, but taking the children back to see their father regularly would be just as expensive, if not more so. It would also be expensive for their father to travel to see them, perhaps putting himself up in a hotel, if that was what was expected. But the main thing would be that they wouldn't have their father close by.

If you moved without the children, the situation would be bad too. They'd still have a parent 300 miles away, and there would still be the cost of travelling to consider.

There is no benefit to the children from moving that I can see.

I know it's a difficult situation, and also that it's not absolutely black and white. You could move and everything could work out wonderfully. It just looks like the costs are too high at the moment. I can see why you're upset, but can also see your daughter's point of view. She it under pressure to agree to something which is just for your benefit and will mean she loses an awful lot and gains nothing.

Spirit_2

As a 15 year old my parents relocated and I and my younger brother went with them, there was a brief discussion aout me living with my married sister to enable me to complete my schooling uninterupted.

It was hard settling in to new school and syllabus (O levels in those days), as I only had one academic year to find my feet socially and to get into the syllabus and take the exams, academically I did OK but perhaps not as well as I could.

At 18 I went away to college and never lived in my parents 'new' home town again. Oddly the move probably galvanised me in to being a more footloose character than if i had always lived in the same town.

If you are moving I suggest doing it so that she has a fair run at key exams, if you cannot achieve that then let her stay with her father and come to you in the holidays. However it works out , the boyfriend is important to her at present and I would suggest you can make provision for them to continue to see each other.