Really need some help [Merged]

heledw

I just want him to start paying his share of mortgage and agree to sell house
I Don't actually want to directly talk to him as I know I still care and don't want him to try to and come back in my life, not saying that he would...and I know I would break down if I seen him as I never knew there was anything wrong with our marriage as we were in Goa in November and he was charming and attentive and I still love him, hence why I attempted overdose as I feel that my life is over
I only have him, I wrapped my whole world around him and he knows that, that is why he asked can he be bailed back here on Xmas Eve as he knew I would drop charges as he knows I would do anything for him...
No self esteem, no confidence and a doormat... hence why carry on... It was my birthday and he and one of his ladies sent me a picture of them kissing....
im so sorry, but i just think it easier to not wake up, as I have prayed today that if there is a God, he will answer my prays

Yorkie1

I am going to write something very out of character for me, and say that they are really being b*st*rds for treating you like that and making you hurt this badly.

Please do not do anything irrevocable, however awful things feel tonight. Send someone a PM (you can tell if they're online by the little green circle) if you don't want things to appear on the open forum. Pick up the phone to the Samaritans or the 24-hr national domestic violence helpline (free) on 0808 2000 247. It's taken an immense amount of courage to post on here today, do give yourself credit for that.

You WILL get through this with support and come out of this a stronger person, however impossible that feels and however much you are hurting right now.

To me, you sound very vulnerable right now and a court room is a stressful situation. I really doubt that you will achieve the house / mortgage outcome you want if you go to court tomorrow and I do wonder whether going will therefore be counterproductive for you.

heledw

thank you, I just don't know what to say
I read whats been written, but Im so emotionally unstable at the moment I cant tell right from wrong
Im not strong enough for this and just honestly and truly want this to be over
Im going to lose my home, Im 47 and I don't have the fight to carry on
Come tomorrow, my direct debits for mortgage etc will come out and then game over, no food money, no fuel money
Thank you for your support, its been nice posting, but i need to clear my head as i just want my husband to hold me and stop hurting me, i can see the vision of cutting him down from my bannister and its wrecking my head

sweaty_betty

It sounds like you've had a dreadful time, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
You've had some great advice here, I'm thinking that you need two types of support - emotional and practical.

If you're feeling so down to the extent that you don't want to wake up in the morning, you need to speak to someone such as the Samaritans. They are really helpful and will listen to you which is probably exactly what you need right now. There's no shame in talking to them, cases like this are part of the reason they exist, to support you in what you're going through.

In terms of practical help, my best advice would be to go to citizen's advice, explain the situation about the house and that you're worried about him leaving his debt to you. They should be able to advise you on the best way forward. I would have thought that there would be some means of cutting financial ties with him, but they'll be able to advise better than me. Some solicitors also offer a free 30 minutes advice session which might be helpful to you.

In terms of the court, if he's admitted assault in his statement it's unlikely that he'll plead not guilty. If it were me I'd be tempted to go along and see what the courts decide, not to ask him about the mortgage, but so that you know the outcome. You're the only one who can decide if you're up to this or not.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. He sounds like a really unpleasant person, so one positive thing is that you're well shot of him.

Please let us know how you get on.

pebble65

Hi Heledw

Firstly I have been through something quite similar so I want to reassure you ,you can and will come out of this and get your life back and that doesnt need to include him if you are sure that is what you want-in my case I took my husband back at first only for him to do the same again and worse, later on just because I finally stood up to him and his abusive behaviour, making me out to be a bad wife and mother, taking my children-I lost everything, my children, my home and nearly my life. He is very very skilled at deceiving people -they dont see him at his worse But there is hope.

I now have a lovely supportive relationship, I am currently renting my present home but we hope to soon buy a home together. Sadly my ex husband still controls my children whom I have not seen but I hope they will eventually see him for what he is and from recent events related by family I think they are showing signs of this.

You do not deserve to be treated like this.. If you do decide to get back with him make sure you build in safe guards to protect yourself if it all goes bad again but don't stoop to his level by retaliating with tit for tat, and if you do find the nerve to make a break just try to get your own life sorted and sever ties with him even if this means you start again on your own. Dont let your past dictate your future either.You deserve a better future.

pearl123

Heledw... do you have any family or friends that will help you? That you can also talk to? Or was it just your OH?
Heledw - You will get threw this! First and foremost - self preservation! Look after yourself. If you feel vunerable in any way speak to the samaratans. Also talk perhaps to you GP.

You say your OH was the centre of you world, but by his behaviour he did not deserve someone as good as you. The shock of what happening to you will pass and you will get stronger. Everything will resolve itself. The most important things is you keep looking after yourself.
Don't let you OH behaviour grind you down. There are alot of people here on this forum who will help you.
Big hug - you can and will get threw this.

BitterAndTwisted

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO LOSE YOUR HOME!

Get on the phone to the mortgage-lender TOMORROW and discuss with them the possibility of going interest-only until you can make a plan. That plan might be a lodger or selling the property or maybe even letting it out to a tenant. Going into rented accommodation isn't the end of everything. It could be a new beginning.

Hold on tight. It's going to be all right. You're in shock and very frightened now and that's why you can't think straight. The shock will ease and you'll be less frightened once you know that you can control this situation.

marywooyeah

Helen this sounds like an absolutely awful situation. I saw you wrote "you must have been awful" (eg for him to do this)

the reason he is doing all these suicide attempts is because he is either desperately unhappy and does not want to live anymore, in which case they would more than likely have been more serious as people who genuinely want to die don't mess about.

I suspect however he's doing it to make you feel sorry for him and to smoke screen his affairs and to make you feel bad - don't allow him to mess with your head like this. He is in the wrong, not you.

He's not getting a criminal record because of you, he's getting a criminal record because he assaulted you so again don't let him make you feel its "your fault".

Re the house, you've had a lot of good advice here which I don't think I can add to tbh, bitterandtwisted as usual is spot on with a lot of her posts and you do need to get onto the mortgage company to explain your circumstances asap.

I've been in a horrible relationship myself so know the depths some men will go to to get their way or make you feel like you somehow deserve to be treated badly. You don't deserve it. You have shown tremendous courage by pressing charges, go into Court tommorow and watch as he gets his.

You say you can't afford a solicitor, but you do need legal advice on the house and tbh I think you could use a Non Molestation Order too preventing him from harrasing you or coming near you - this would give extra sanctions in conjunction with any bail conditions. You could also apply for an Occupation Order which who grant you peaceful sole occupation of the property and prevent him from returning. Get an appt with a family law solicitor and they can assess your eligibility for public funding.

Finally, keep being as brave as you have been, this guy is a loser and you are so much better off without a cheating bully and for what its worth, I think the facebook hacking was well deserved!

chin up, and you can pm if you wish now you know how to! xxx

pearl123

Heledw - in your forum messages no 17 and 20. You have mentioned you OH name. It might be worth editing them out just in case by some chance he see's them. If you think it's unlikely then don't bother changing it.
We all here will all be thinking of you Heledw tomorrow. Please keep us posted about how things are going. You sound a lovely woman and really did not deserve this.
It will all get better just take it day by day. You'll be surprised how the things we worry about can turn out to be not too bad at the end of the day. Bigs Hugs

Voyager2002

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all this. Please hold on to the fact that you have done nothing wrong, whereas he has behaved abominably, and is continuing to manipulate you.

For advice on the house problem, please contact Shelter: they are good, and free. They should also know how to get a good lawyer, and will know whether or not you qualify for legal aid.

As others have posted, there is no reason why you should lose your house over this. In order to keep you really do need to do things properly, which is why you have to get good advice. So Shelter should be your next stop.