Really need some help [Merged]

BitterAndTwisted

Folks, the OP has already started this discussion over the road at the House Buying forum. I suggested she start one over here as she's in absolutely desperate need of a friendly face/keyboard.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3705073

Angel, you're an NHS support worker. I think that might be a very good place to seek some support for yourself. If you feel the need, and I believe you do, please give The Samaritans a call. Doing harm to yourself will not hurt your husband in the way that swine needs to be hurt. You can overcome this dreadful situation. You can. You can. You can.

Honestly, I'm full of admiration for your having put up that picture of him in red undies on Facebook. I'd have taken that bottle of champagne to him and then I'd have been the one on bail. Top marks to you, lady!

Yorkie1

Please do edit your posts to remove his name. I can make decent guess at yours if your username is accurate and these are criminal proceedings we're discussing.

You didn't do anything to warrant this behaviour. It is unacceptable behaviour on any and all levels. It is classic domestic violence dynamics for the victim to feel as though it is all their fault. You won't be able to accept this yet, probably, but eventually you will be able to see this without feeling any guilt or blame.

When you're ready to do so, I'd suggest you look at the women's aid website which has some useful info
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic_violence_topic.asp?section=0001000100220041&sectionTitle=Domestic+violence+%28general%29

heledw

Sorry yorkie, Im not aware of how a forum works, have edited his name and I apologise for writing about assault, should I delete it all.
im just at my wits end

SuzieSue

heledw wrote: »

As for a lodger, I do have a spare room, but not sure where to even start looking and do I have the confidence to do this, as I am really low, I pray every night not to wake up....

I know it will be difficult to get a lodger, but if it means you can pay the mortgage then you must pluck up courage to get one. It is so much easier now with the internet (perviously all you could do was advertise in the local newsagent or in the local paper).

The two sites I find most useful are easyroommate.com and spareroom.co.uk. You can post an ad for free and you can also search both sites for people wanting rooms and contact them. As a previous poster said, it would be best to see if you can find an older female. Depending on where you live, you can get between £300 and £600 per month and if you charge less than around £350 per month then it is all tax free.

I understand that it will be difficult to take a lodger for the first time, but there are plenty of experienced people on this forum who will be happy to help you with contracts etc.

Remember taking in a lodger could mean that you can remain in your house.

If you have any questions about either of the sites I have mentioned, send me a private message or ask on this forum.

Yorkie1

No, don't delete it all and don't apologise for anything! We are here to support you through this, and I know about this sort of stuff so am more than happy to do so.

I imagine that you're feeling a little overwhelmed by it all at the moment? It's a lot to take on board, it may feel as though it's going at a speed you don't want, and you are probably in 2 minds about tomorrow. You do not have to be there - are not expected to be there - and if that will be easier for you then don't put yourself under any pressure to be there.

Concentrate on looking after yourself, trying to see whether you can get any sleep tonight. Easier said than done, I know.

The NHS has a policy for assisting employees who are encountering domestic violence issues. Do you have a supportive manager who you could speak to? They may be able to give you time off to see a solicitor. If you are in a union, they may offer you free legal advice too.

But this can all be done tomorrow or later. Not now. If you find it difficult to sleep, perhaps have the radio on overnight - I find radio 5 strangely comforting as the speech makes me feel not so alone if I can't sleep.

VfM4meplse

Fingers crossed you get the right outcome tomorrow Heledw

heledw

Suzie I dont know how to do a private message, at this moment in time, I don't know what to do, as he attempted to hang himself here, that he told me he was going to gas himself in our garage and Im not sure whether I can cope with memories, but when we bought the house I loved it as its a 2 bed detached house and in a nice village in Swansea
But need to get some strength first

heledw

yorkie, part of me feels I should go as at least then I will know outcome and ask for restrictions to be amended as stated, but I know how hurt I am and feel that seeing him go through the court case will just make me feel as If Im a horrible person for hurting him in this manner as I never wanted this to occur, I just wanted a christmas with the husband I love and adore

Yorkie1

It is so difficult for you to know what to do and none of us knows what is right for you.

Remember that you are not a horrible person for making him go through this. He did a horrible thing to you, irrespective of his feelings for you and yours for him. You are grieving for what might have been, which is bound to make you feel even worse.

Do you have the details of the officer in your case? If it's the outcome you want to know, they will be able to find it out for you without you needing to go to court.

If you do go, be very clear about what details of the bail conditions you want to be relaxed and to what degree. You might find that the court will not grant your request. You might find that your OH's solicitor takes your request and twists it to a full request for all bail conditions to be relaxed so that he can live at home again.

If he pleads guilty, the case will be over in 3 weeks at most. If he pleads not guilty, I'd expect a trial to be listed about 6 weeks perhaps later. Is it essential that you are able to contact him directly in that timescale? Remember that he is in breach if you do contact him.

Edit to add that you are not in any trouble for contacting him, though. It is not harassment and he cannot get you arrested or similar for doing so. It's just that it's best to get it sorted out officially.

BitterAndTwisted

heledw: if you want to send a private message to anyone on this forum left-click with your mouse on their name at the top of their post. That will show you a little drop-down menu with a number of options. Send a private message is one of them. You can practice by sending one to me if you like, I'll be on the forum for a while this evening