Really need some help [Merged]

Yorkie1

If the assault took place on Christmas Eve 2011, tomorrow is likely to be a first hearing with the OH having been on bail until then. Unless he admits the assault, the case will be adjourned for trial. If he does admit it, then the case will be adjourned in all likelihood for the court to obtain more information before sentence. Either way, I consider it highly unlikely that the OH will be remanded in custody tomorrow.

I suggest that you stop texting him or trying to contact him. If he replies then he is legally in breach of his bail conditions, even if you instituted the contact.

If you need to be able to contact him, see whether the bail conditions tomorrow can be amended so that he is allowed to contact you but only in response to any contact from a solicitor acting on your behalf. You'll need to speak to the officer in your case if you can, otherwise go to court and speak to the prosecutor if you feel able. If you don't feel able, then leave it for now - the conditions can be amended at a later date but don't contact him directly any more or he might try to argue that they should be lifted altogether.

Please do go and get a solicitor tomorrow or as soon as you feel able. Many will do a free half hour session.

Yorkie1

kingstreet wrote: »

Use thread on HBR&S;-

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3705073

Indeed. There are a lot of replies on the HBR&S cross-post. It will get confusing to keep overlapping the 2 threads.

heledw

Yes he has moved out presume permanently, as when he had been charged, he asked the police to see if he could return here as he was "sorry", but I asked the police officer if I had too and he said I did not have to allow him entry due to the circumstances, the police then contacted his parents to see if he could be bailed there and they refused also, so a work colleague took him in
Apparently he has admitted to assaulting me in his statement, but whether he will change his mind tomorrow, I do not know!! I don't know wether to turn up as I believe that he may allege things, but not sure whether too. at least if I turn up I can ask him is he willing to sell house!!!!

"Not knowing your financial position and what exactly you want to do, it is difficult to advise."
I work for the NHS as a support worker and earn £18,000 a year, so unsure whether I am entitled to legal aid, he earns £29,000 a year plus extra for sundays etc, plus he gets bonuses
House is in joint names, but he wont discuss anything, I have tried asking the women he lives with, but she just suggested that I drop the charges
As for a lodger, I do have a spare room, but not sure where to even start looking and do I have the confidence to do this, as I am really low, I pray every night not to wake up....
Im hurting really bad as I believe that Im a bad person, I was sexually abused as a child by men my mum brought home, this went on for a few years, my first relationship was with a violent man who went on to sleep with my 2 best friends and my mum, so I don't let anyone in. When I met OH, he was a gentle charming man who after a period of time I disclosed what I had been through, and he was gentle and reassured me that everything was at my pace, and i had four years of a lovely marriage, but then I discovered that he had told one of the women who has said that he started their relationship as I was unable to provide him with what he needed sexually even though I had years of practice from my childhood, then she sent me photos of them kissing and I cannot take any more, hence the overdose, but he has recently tried to have me arrested for asking a friend to drop over a letter asking him to pay his share of mortgage, plus the money he owes me as i transferred one of his storecard debts to an interest free card that I had.
As for joint accounts, we did have one and I closed it earlier this here as i put money in there for bills and he spent it...
I presumed case will be dealt with tomorrow as he has never been in trouble before, on christmas eve it was suggested that he would be cautioned, but they charged him with assault and aggravated entry into our home as I had asked him to leave after he had disclosed affairs and threw a glass of wine over me and then poured a bottle of wine over my head.
""You'll need to speak to the officer in your case if you can, otherwise go to court and speak to the prosecutor if you feel able. "" Would I be able to draft a letter to give to prosecutor to see if bail conditions can be amended as Im not sure if Im able to afford a solicitor, but need to try to obtain an answer as for sale of house, even though I don't think he will speak to me then, he will just walk away and leave debts accrue and hide from debtors, but I don't want debt...
I don't know how much more I can take, I don't want him to have a criminal record, but I didn't deserve this, he was sleeping with both these women, but was planning on celebrating christmas with me and had bought a bottle of champagne for us for Christmas day morning, but as I won't drop charges has decided that he will get a criminal record because of me and is going to destroy me by ignoring me and just walking away

BitterAndTwisted

Do not drop the charges! If you do you risk him being able to enter the house he co-owns any bloody time he chooses. Perhaps when one of his other floozies gets tired of him or finds out that he doesn't have any money.

Get your backside round to B&Q tomorrow and change the barrel of the locks on both the front and back doors. They can cost less than a tenner each and all you'd probably need is a screwdriver.

Speak to the Police about getting an exclusion order or whatever else it's called to prevent him returning and harassing and/or assaulting you again.

Please, do not fear getting yourself a lodger. There are lots of nice older ladies who might be looking for a comfortable home to rent a room in. Some might be recently divorced and don't have enough deposit to put down on a new property yet. Some might be working away from home and need somewhere Monday to Friday and return to their family home at the weekends.

YOU DO HAVE OPTIONS. Lots of them. Perhaps it would do you good to have to concentrate of practical matters rather than letting the disappointment and pain of this getting in the way and dragging you down. You WILL recover from this horrible episode in your life and come out the other end stronger and happier. I promise you.

Pop over to the relationships board and take some of this problem with you over there. There are some smashing people who will offer guidance and advice about how to deal with this emotionally. I'll be there.

heledw

Really need some help
I found out on Christmas Eve that my husband was sleeping with two women, one he works with and one he met on facebook.
He assaulted me and is in court tomorrow, but I really need advice re mortgage and where I stand....
We bought our first house jointly in October this year, why he did I will never know, but I may be able to afford the mortgage payments, but I doubt whether they will remortgage me solely when fixed rate ends in 2 years.
Because I am taking him to court, he has stated that he will not pay his share of mortgage and hasnt paid this months, which comes out tomorrow from my account.I don't know whether he will allow me to put house on market....or what I can do....
Rightly or wrongly I hacked his face book account and put a picture of him wearing my red underwear on his wall and also told each of the women, that he was sleeping with me and with them, but admit I did this whilst angry

I just really need some advice as to what steps i take next, Im 46 I dont earn a fantastic wage and feel so alone, I attempted to take an overdose, so basically have hit rock bottom, but hope now to find the courage to try to prove Im not the worthless person he kept teling me I was
Please please help

heledw

Yes he has moved out presume permanently, as when he had been charged, he asked the police to see if he could return here as he was "sorry", but I asked the police officer if I had too and he said I did not have to allow him entry due to the circumstances, the police then contacted his parents to see if he could be bailed there and they refused also, so a work colleague took him in
Apparently he has admitted to assaulting me in his statement, but whether he will change his mind tomorrow, I do not know!! I don't know wether to turn up as I believe that he may allege things, but not sure whether too. at least if I turn up I can ask him is he willing to sell house!!!!

"Not knowing your financial position and what exactly you want to do, it is difficult to advise."
I work for the NHS as a support worker and earn £18,000 a year, so unsure whether I am entitled to legal aid, he earns £29,000 a year plus extra for sundays etc, plus he gets bonuses
House is in joint names, but he wont discuss anything, I have tried asking the women he lives with, but she just suggested that I drop the charges
As for a lodger, I do have a spare room, but not sure where to even start looking and do I have the confidence to do this, as I am really low, I pray every night not to wake up....
Im hurting really bad as I believe that Im a bad person, I was sexually abused as a child by men my mum brought home, this went on for a few years, my first relationship was with a violent man who went on to sleep with my 2 best friends and my mum, so I don't let anyone in. When I met darren, he was a gentle charming man who after a period of time I disclosed what I had been through, and he was gentle and reassured me that everything was at my pace, and i had four years of a lovely marriage, but then I discovered that he had told one of the women who has said that he started their relationship as I was unable to provide him with what he needed sexually even though I had years of practice from my childhood, then she sent me photos of them kissing and I cannot take any more, hence the overdose, but he has recently tried to have me arrested for asking a friend to drop over a letter asking him to pay his share of mortgage, plus the money he owes me as i transferred one of his storecard debts to an interest free card that I had.
As for joint accounts, we did have one and I closed it earlier this here as i put money in there for bills and he spent it...
I presumed case will be dealt with tomorrow as he has never been in trouble before, on christmas eve it was suggested that he would be cautioned, but they charged him with assault and aggravated entry into our home as I had asked him to leave after he had disclosed affairs and threw a glass of wine over me and then poured a bottle of wine over my head.
""You'll need to speak to the officer in your case if you can, otherwise go to court and speak to the prosecutor if you feel able. "" Would I be able to draft a letter to give to prosecutor to see if bail conditions can be amended as Im not sure if Im able to afford a solicitor, but need to try to obtain an answer as for sale of house, even though I don't think he will speak to me then, he will just walk away and leave debts accrue and hide from debtors, but I don't want debt...
I don't know how much more I can take, I don't want him to have a criminal record, but I didn't deserve this, he was sleeping with both these women, but was planning on celebrating christmas with me and had bought a bottle of champagne for us for Christmas day morning, but as I won't drop charges has decided that he will get a criminal record because of me and is going to destroy me by ignoring me and just walking away

BitterAndTwisted

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! How could you possibly be? Your husband is the Grade-A !!!!!! in this relationship. And the things that happened to you in the past were not of your making.

There are a number of things you can do but I honestly think it would do you good to try and take charge of things in the short -term. Taking charge of anything right now should make you feel empowered and not a victim who has no control over what happens.

You can get a court order to force a sale of the property even if your husband is not willing. That might be the best option for you as that would sever completely and permanently any connection between you and that !!!!!!.

LisaB85

I don't really know what to say, I'm really sorry he has put you through that.

1 woman would be bad enough but 2!! I think you could safely assume there has been more than 2 since you have been together, he sounds like male slag so my only advice I can give is please go to the GUM clinic and get tested as it could affect your health and you need to remember your health too xx

Yorkie1

Firstly, do not drop the charges. B&T is absolutely right here. You have done absolutely nothing wrong at all. He chose to act in the way he has done, and must take the consequences. You are not making him have a criminal record, he chose to run that risk when he assaulted you. His new women, who sent you the photos, sounds a right piece of work too.

His idea of buying champagne for the pair of you on Christmas Day doesn't really hold much water with me, either, given his previous conduct with other women. I think it inevitable that he would have walked away from the mortgage and his financial responsibilities with you at some point, it's just that this has brought it to a head.

By all means go to court tomorrow if you think you will be strong enough to see him across the court room. He may bring one of his women friends with him; can you cope with seeing them and with any potential scene if they do say anything? If you have a friend, take them with you for moral support. Mention your presence to the court usher and ask to speak to the prosecutor to explain any concerns you may have. Speak to witness support when you get there and although they will not be expecting you (they deal mainly with trials) they may have a room you can wait in until the case is called on. He will probably be waiting on the court concourse outside the courtroom.

When the case is called on, he will go into court with his solicitor. He will be asked to identify himself and whether he pleads guilty or not guilty. Hopefully if he has pleaded guilty, it won't be on a significantly different basis from what you said happened in your statement. The prosecutor is not supposed to accept a guilty plea on a basis of facts which might make a significant different to the sentence. If that happens, they have to tell the court and the court may order a trial of the facts just to decide sentence. You are concerned that he might say stuff about you. His solicitor is not allowed to make derogatory assertions and, again, if this happens, the prosecutor should know to challenge these in open court.

I would strongly advise against trying to resolve the house issue tomorrow. He will be focused on the court hearing. That is hardly likely to make him receptive to your requests, especially given his previous stance.

If the case is adjourned for any reason then I advise against asking for the bail conditions to be relaxed. Bear in mind that they are likely to be phrased so that he is forbidden from contacting you directly or indirectly - if his other woman / women contact you again, report this to the police as an indirect breach of bail. At the very least the police should warn them off so that you don't get bothered by them in any similar way again.

If the case is dealt with by way of guilty plea and sentence tomorrow, the court will consider whether to impose a restraining order. This is an order which forbids him from contacting you in particular ways for a certain duration. Again, this can be worded so that contact is permitted through solicitors if you want. I take your point about not knowing whether you can afford a solicitor, but I think where domestic violence is involved the legal aid tests are lesser. As I said, see whether you can get a free half hour session with one.

Please do not post details of your assault on here (in fact, I would recommend that you edit your post above to remove his name), but unless he used a quasi weapon such as a foot, it was a sustained assault, or caused more than really trifling injury then I consider it highly unlikely that he will get more than a community sentence, having regard to the sentencing guidelines for common assault and his previous lack of convictions.

The house / mortgage issue is important but not so urgent that it must be dealt with tomorrow morning.

Sorry for the essay!!

heledw

He has not got keys as when he tried to force entry, I screamed outside "Someone please leave" and i thought he had, but he went and sat in our garage, but when I called the police they were aware of him as...
A fortnight ago he had attempted to hang himself and I cut him down and relive this quite often as i thought he was depressed, than a week ago he told me in graphic detail that he was going to gas himself in his car and after doing a double shift, I came home to find out him in the garage with the engine running, so I called police straight away, as he was drunk he was assessed the following morning and they said that he was fine.
I made him go to the gp, but they said he had anxiety issues
So when police came on Xmas Eve, it was the same officer and he wanted to ensure he was not in garage self harming, and they found him in the garage, they did not say if he was attempting to self harm, but they assessed him again and the pyschiatric liaison nurse, advised the officer dealing with the case that OH had admitted he attempted to hang and told me he was going to gas himself for effect as he felt that the distraction would take away any hint of his relationships, as he could state that he needed space as he was feeling low and would offer extra support to him to have time out, so he could continue with his relationships
I would not drop charges against him, but never thought I would be in that position with OH as we had a fantastic lifestyle, he used to be so nice, I don't know what I did to him to warrant this behaviour from him, I must have been awful