New mum....failing :(

dizziblonde

Mine ain't here yet but the one thing I've realised from the start is there's a very healthy industry - both in industry and within certain elements of the NHS - very very active in managing to make mums and prospective mums feel sh..t about what they're doing... in the industrial case it means they can flog you the miracle cure to your failures (think of the Dettol advert with the baby holding the raw chicken leg instead of the rattle), in the NHS's case - they tend to veer far too far sometimes to err on the side of caution... and mummyhood brings out the worst in women sometimes as well who seem to jump at the chance of making others feel poo about themselves because they're doing things differently to themselves - whether they need the validation for their own choices, or whether its just a more advanced method of sneering at the kid at school who's got the uncool shoes on - I don't know... so basically everything's trying to niggle away to find a weakness, or something you're doing "wrong" - but as a friend of mine described it when she was handed her daughter - "so these don't come with instruction manuals do they?!"

If you can breastfeed - fine brilliant (I plan to just because it's flipping easier than making bottles bleary eyed at 3am - if I can't, I can't and I'm prepared for both conttingencies), if you can't - you've given it your best shot (which is more than some would have done) - don't let the booby !!!!! make you feel bad because circumstances mean that your body and your baby's body's not cooperating - you wouldn't let them make you feel bad if you had one leg so couldn't pole dance! Feeling lousy and running yourself absolutely ragged is doing you or the baby no favours though - stuff what the rest of the world's up to (I bet in the privacy of their own homes they ain't nearly half as perfect as they're all trying to make out to be - lots of people are masters of front show, or as my mum describes it "fur coat and no knickers")!

Nicki

I agree with skintchick's post, that if you are still feeling blue about not breastfeeding to try mixed feeding for a few days while catching up on your sleep before you make the final decision. And I would not be doing night feeds while your OH is off work. He took the time off to help you recover from giving birth which is a physically demanding process and to help you look after the baby, so let him do it. It will make a huge difference to how you and baby feel. If you are worried about him being tired when he goes back to work, then take over the night feeds the night before he goes back, as he will catch up on any lost sleep very quickly, but you definitely can't go on 1 hours sleep indefinitely.

I don't know if this helps or not, but when DD was born I was very poorly afterwards. She was 10 days early so not a preemie like yours, and we did the first breastfeed after she was born, following which I became extremely ill and so she was formula fed in the nursery for the next 10 days. I was to ill even to consider expressing. After I recovered, I tried her on the breast again, we mixed fed for a while, and after a few months she was exclusively breast fed as my milk supply did readjust after time. So a decision to mix feed for a few days while you regroup and regain your strength is not necessarily the final word on the matter unless you want it to be.

With DS1 I had to switch to FF when he was 4 months old and I found myself unexpectedly pregnant again with milk supply dropping fast, and with DS2 we switched at 5 months as he was diagnosed with a lactose intolerance and could not tolerate breast milk and needed a medical formula. Both times I was really upset about having to give up, so I know where you are coming from with this, but my boys are perfectly healthy happy kids too.

sooty&sweep

Hi

I tried to breastfeed both of my two children but was unable to for a variety of reasons that I won't bore you but I still remember the terrible guilt that I felt because I wasn't able to do the "right" thing as dictated by the NHS. Add in to that sleep deprivation plus your hormones doing cartwheels.
There is alot of "advice" out there of what to do to be the perfect parent and the guilt trip alongside if you fail.
As a parent you will learn to listen to all the advice and then decide what is best for you and your family.
I still wish I'd been able to breastfeed but now accept that it wasn't to be. I have two healthy happy children age 6 & 10 who are very rarely ill so I don't think theres much wrong with their immune system.

I remember reading an article that basically said that a bottle fed baby with a happy relaxed mum who is able to enjoy her baby is better off than a breast fed baby with an exhausted stressed depressed mum who can't enjoy her child.
For me that put into context what was important for me and my baby.

You have already given your baby a massive headstart with the breastmilk he's received. You also sound like you may have a comprise with a mixture of breast and bottle.

Please don't misunderstand I still totally believe that breastfeeding is best but unfortunately it doesn't always work out for all of us.

I'm not trying to tell you to give up on the breast feeding that is a decision you have to make yourself its just that I was in a very similar place to where you are right now with both of mine and I remember how horrible it was and so I'm just letting you know what I did and how its worked for me.

Remember listen to all the advice but then do what is right for you.
There is no such thing as the perfect parent !!

All the best

Jen

FBaby

Always_Alone wrote: »

I feel such a failure for not being able to provide the most basic thing for my poor baby who will now be disadvantaged due to my inadequecies.

I wasn't going to post because I didn't have the desire to breastfeed my babies, so can't fully understand how much not being able to do something that meant so much for you must feel like.

However, I do feel upset that you seem to strongly believe that your baby will be disadvantaged because of it. Yes, there are many studies showing that breastfeeding is better but remember that better doesn't mean that not doing it is bad. No one in my family was breastfed. We've all done extremely well academically, none of us had behaviour problems, we are all slim, and very healthy. My kids are both under the G&T registry at their school, tall and slim, and we only had one need for a prescription of antibiotics, as a preventive measure when my DD had surgery for her lazy eye (nothing to do with not breasfeeding obviously).

That you should feel highly disppointed, I do understand, but please, don't feel that you are failing your baby, you really are not and your boy has as many chance to do well all around as any breastfed baby.

Nicki

FBaby wrote: »

However, I do feel upset that you seem to strongly believe that your baby will be disadvantaged because of it. Yes, there are many studies showing that breastfeeding is better but remember that better doesn't mean that not doing it is bad. No one in my family was breastfed. We've all done extremely well academically, none of us had behaviour problems, we are all slim, and very healthy. My kids are both under the G&T registry at their school, tall and slim, and we only had one need for a prescription of antibiotics, as a preventive measure when my DD had surgery for her lazy eye (nothing to do with not breasfeeding obviously).

This isn't a thread about whether breast or bottle is best, and it isn't fair to OP to turn it into one, because they ALWAYS get heated and personal and usually end up being closed.

It is a thread about a new mum struggling to make a decision for her baby, and asking for advice about how to come to terms with that decision. If you feel passionately about breastfeeding, and have always dreamed about having that experience with your own child, then it is a huge loss if you find yourself unable to do so for whatever reason. That emotional upset needs to be dealt with and supported outside of a discussion about what is best for the baby.

OP is not trying to make anyone feel bad about how THEY chose to feed their babies, but to work through HER feelings about how she will choose to feed hers. As her baby is so very young, and she is feeling so very vulnerable at the moment, could we all respect that, and keep the thread on track. Any feelings anyone else has about how they fed their baby, and any imagined slights about that, are likely to relate to a situation which is much less immediate and raw than OP's

patchwork_cat

This is one of the things that I hate with all this you must breastfeed it is best for you and baby. You are not a failure. Not all people can or want to breastfeed. Your baby will thrive with bottles, you must not stress about this. Breastfeeding is not appropriate or succesful for everyone.

I used to say (jokingly) that with labour you get infinite wisdom and a big handbag! I have reworded that now I have children to infinite wisdom, a big handbag and guilt. Unfortunately all I got was the guilt!!

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

This isn't a thread about whether breast or bottle is best, and it isn't fair to OP to turn it into one, because they ALWAYS get heated and personal and usually end up being closed.

It is a thread about a new mum struggling to make a decision for her baby, and asking for advice about how to come to terms with that decision. If you feel passionately about breastfeeding, and have always dreamed about having that experience with your own child, then it is a huge loss if you find yourself unable to do so for whatever reason. That emotional upset needs to be dealt with and supported outside of a discussion about what is best for the baby.

OP is not trying to make anyone feel bad about how THEY chose to feed their babies, but to work through HER feelings about how she will choose to feed hers. As her baby is so very young, and she is feeling so very vulnerable at the moment, could we all respect that, and keep the thread on track. Any feelings anyone else has about how they fed their baby, and any imagined slights about that, are likely to relate to a situation which is much less immediate and raw than OP's

The person you quoted was simply expressing her opinion and recounting her experiences when responding to an element of the OP. You did the same. Why is your post content more acceptable than hers?

Janepig

Nicki wrote: »

This isn't a thread about whether breast or bottle is best, and it isn't fair to OP to turn it into one, because they ALWAYS get heated and personal and usually end up being closed.

It is a thread about a new mum struggling to make a decision for her baby, and asking for advice about how to come to terms with that decision. If you feel passionately about breastfeeding, and have always dreamed about having that experience with your own child, then it is a huge loss if you find yourself unable to do so for whatever reason. That emotional upset needs to be dealt with and supported outside of a discussion about what is best for the baby.

OP is not trying to make anyone feel bad about how THEY chose to feed their babies, but to work through HER feelings about how she will choose to feed hers. As her baby is so very young, and she is feeling so very vulnerable at the moment, could we all respect that, and keep the thread on track. Any feelings anyone else has about how they fed their baby, and any imagined slights about that, are likely to relate to a situation which is much less immediate and raw than OP's

I don't think that the poster you quoted was trying to make it a breast v bottle debate, and I do think what she posted was relevant. The OP has expressed concern that by not breast feeding she will somehow be damaging her DS, which is nonsense but is something that new mums have drummed into them, like it or not, by the breast is best brigade. And whilst no-one wishes to deny that breast is indeed best, that doesn't mean that formula feeding is evil, and the OP's newborn is not going to turn out any the worst for her giving him formula.

I have to say that I enjoyed pregnancy, and I adore my children but I wouldn't want to have a newborn in the house again for love nor money, I found it an awful struggle. But we all look back with fondness eventually and forget the horrors of it all, or we'd all have only children!

Jx

Always_Alone

Wow, thank you all for your replies, i was half expecting to be shot down and told 'to try harder'

Whilst in hospital and formula/express feeding, baby was thriving and we were able to go home early as he was putting on weight. Once we got home and i tried to breastfeed, he lost a fairly significant amount of weight within 2 days of being home. I think this is because i was trying to just stick with breast and hoping that eventually he would be hungry enough to take, despite the pain it was causing me (due to the latching on issues) and the lack of sleep etc. Obv it didn't work and he lost weight instead.

He was weighed again this morning and has gained weight since we introduced formula back in. I haven't expressed or put him to me since yesterday as just the thought of it and what we've been through the last 10 days makes me want to cry. Based on the weight gain, it looks like formula is the way to go to pack the weight on him. Doesn't stop me feeling guilty as hell though still.

My head is telling me that formula is what he needs to thrive esp at the moment when he is still so small and fragile. My heart is still saying that i am depriving him by not being able to feed him myself.

I think it is something i need to come to accept which i hope will happen the stronger he gets but i was after reassurance i guess that formula fed babies don't grow up to have every illness/ailment/disease under the sun because i wasn't able to protect him through my milk, which i have had from everyone here, so thank you all

lidlest

Always_Alone wrote: »

I feel such a failure for not being able to provide the most basic thing for my poor baby who will now be disadvantaged due to my inadequecies.

Please, Please, from someone who has been where you are, get this idea of failure out of your head. You will just make yourself unhappy and could possibly lead to PND. Your baby will not be disadvantaged because of this, yes breast is best, but I'm sorry TO ME it's the difference between organic and non-organic fruit. Yes one is better but they are both good and necessary. There are so many other factors that come in to play when raising a baby.

My 12 year old was a formula fed, disposable nappied, Johnson washed, jar fed, TV watching baby. He's never had more than a slight sniffle in his life, he's the smartest in his class at maths and science, he is strong and fit.

You can't do it, so stop punishing yourself and concentrate on giving him a happy mum to interact with xx