New mum....failing :(

Always_Alone

I had a beautiful baby boy 10 days ago who decided to arrive 4 weeks early :j

I have always said i would do right by him and assumed that i would be able to breastfeed, took it for granted and never gave it another thought.

When born he was early and had a low birth weight but luckily didn't need to go to special care. We had skin to skin and then tried to feed him. Because he was early he hadn't fully learnt the sucking reflex and really struggled to take from me.

In hospital the emphasis was getting food down him to prevent him from going downhill as this would then spiral into other issues so i agreed to formula feed as long as we could continue to try to breast feed. We are on a fairly strict 3 hour feeding routine to ensure he gets enough

Sadly, he didn't take to me so i got to a stage where i was expressing and he was having that and then being topped up with formula.

Since being at home, i have been in touch with breastfeeding support groups who have been amazing but he still won't take to me, the amount i am able to express has gone right down and i am now just giving him formula. The support groups keep saying to continue to express and then the latching on can be sorted out when baby gets stronger

I really want to provide for my baby and feel like a failure for not being able to do so. I have not had more than an hours sleep in any one go for 10 days because by the time i have fed him, topped up with expressed/formula, winded, changed and then tried to express some more, it is only an hour till the next feed

I have spent all of last night and today crying because i am just so tired and the thought of what i need to do to have any chance of breastfeeding is making me distraught.

My partner is supportive of what i want to do but he is now getting so worried about me because i am just so tired and crying all the time.

I text my breastfeeding support lady today to say i was on the verge of giving up and haven't heard anything back from her. I have now decided to give up but can't make peace with my decision

I feel such a failure for not being able to provide the most basic thing for my poor baby who will now be disadvantaged due to my inadequecies.

wantnomoneyworries

You are absolutely not a failure - you have tried so hard for your little one. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Your son will do just as well on baby formula - millions of babies do. He is lucky to have a mum like you who has tried her best. Being a parent is a tough job, with many tricky times. Just love your baby boy as you are doing and he will be fine. i felt the same 18 years ago when I couldn't breast feed my son. He is now a 6 foot rugby player and (touch wood) is rarely poorly. Just keep doing your best you sound like a great mum to me.
Also those feelings are felt more sharply because of the baby blues - I had PND and it can make you feel worthless. If those feelings continue you need to talk to your doctor too. There are plenty of people who will help you,

thatgirlsam

You're not a failure!

You need to sleep. Can dad do the night feeds tonight (with expressed milk or formula) so that you can get a nights sleep?

You will feel much better for it

And don't forget that your hormones are all over the place and you will be all emotional at the moment, it will pass I promise

As for the feeding, I won't say too much as if you are desperate to breastfeed someone telling you to switch to bottle isn't helpful

Get a nights sleep and re-evaluate the situation tomorrow

I will say though that I didn't breastfeed either of mine and they are very happy healthy clever children so don't feel your baby is being disadvantaged

wantnomoneyworries

thatgirlsam is so right too. A good nights sleep will help all of you!

meritaten

hun - whatever you do from here on is RIGHT! ok? you are exhausted and worried which is probably affecting your milk. I am a great supporter of breast feeding - but in your case I would say - give formula milk and relax and give the breast as often as you can. I dont know who or why anyone says that three hourly is a rule - it isnt! some babies want the breast every hour or so! I know that - I had one like that!
If you still want to breast feed then realise that the baby may want to be almost permanently attached to you. you CAN still breast feed - but it may be on the babies schedule - not yours or the midwifes! Its early days hun and you WILL produce enough milk if the baby is allowed to feed on his/her schedule.
There is NO shame in giving up and using formula hun! you do what is best for you and the baby!

Itismehonest

I agree with greenyj & meritaten.
Motherhood isn't something that goes by the book with everyone following the same pattern. What works for some won't work for others. If full-time breast-feeding doesn't work then go with formula & don't worry.

I think all mothers feel a failure at some time, particularly when they're dog-tied as you obviously are.
The lack of sleep can be a crippler, I know, but it does end.
If you're anything like I was when baby first sleeps properly you'll find yourself getting up to check him because you're worried because he's so quite. :rotfl: Totally neurotic, eh?

lindsaygalaxy

After reading your post I had to write. You must NEVER feel like you are not doing the best for your child as the fact u are working about it so much alone shows how much you care. My youngest wasn't early but like my first didn't want to breast feed. I kept trying between bottle and breast and by the time he started to take it (several weeks after birth) I couldn't produce enough milk. I made the descision to bottle feed him from then on so we could both be happy. He is now 2, and like my eldest, don't seem to have been effected by being bottle fed! It is not a failure in any way. You need to do what is best for both of u. A well rested mummy and well fed baby will make you both happier. Now get some sleep, get hubby to sort out formula and the bottles and smile knowing you will do anything to be the best mum, even if that sometimes means changing your plans. X

wantnomoneyworries

Itismehonest is right about us mothers feeling a failure at one time or another - think it comes with the job!!! You are at the beginning of your wonderful journey with your baby boy and believe me there will be many more highs than lows. You'll soon be wondering where these early days are gone and you will be in a great routine and things will feel easier - honest
18 years on I remember those early difficult times and look at the wonderful son I have now and wonder how we got to here!! We still have our "off" days, but I wouldn;t change him for the world'

nearlyrich

Aw hun you are so not a failure you have given birth to a little miracle and you need to keep your strength up to look after him. I hope you manage to get some sleep and everything will feel much better when you are refreshed.

MCLF

Hi there - please don't get upset.

Like you, I was determined to breast feed but in my case I just wasn't producing enough milk, so I ended up giving him formula.

I remember walking out of the doctor's office feeling like the biggest failure as a mum, that there must be something wrong with me.

That baby is now a young adult, over six foot tall and rarely ill. He's been told he has a very healthy immune system.

Your emotions will be all over the place just now, but you're not a failure and your son won't grow up disadvantaged.

minnie123

Don't you dare think of yourself as a failure. I too has my little boy 4 weeks early and tried to breastfeed with no success - he didn't have the reflex to latch on and I was producing hardly anything. I asked for help in the hospital and the midwife told me she wouldn't be there to help when I went home so I had to try myself. After a few days of struggling I put him onto formula (I used Aptamil as they say it's the closest thing to breastmilk). It was the best decision I made as it took a lot of the stress awayI was happier and he was fed. He is now 3 1/2 and very healthy and bright. My breastmilk never even properly came in and on a follow up visit the health visitor said that happens to some women and I did the right thing.