New mum....failing :(

thatgirlsam

greenyj wrote: »

Itismehonest is right about us mothers feeling a failure at one time or another - think it comes with the job!!! You are at the beginning of your wonderful journey with your baby boy and believe me there will be many more highs than lows. You'll soon be wondering where these early days are gone and you will be in a great routine and things will feel easier - honest
18 years on I remember those early difficult times and look at the wonderful son I have now and wonder how we got to here!! We still have our "off" days, but I wouldn;t change him for the world'

They should just stamp 'GUILTY' on every new mothers forehead when they leave delivery suite

Its part of being a mum and it won't be the last time you feel guilty or like a failure!

Don't worry I've heard the first 25 years are the worst when you have kids

yonk

It can take several weeks to get latching on right, especially with the first. Just feed him now with whatever you can get down him and get some sleep. He's your baby and you're doing right by him! :-)

msflowerfairy

Hi,

I don't post very often, i am more of a reader than a contributor.

My little one was born in June 3 weeks early, and also had a poor sucking reflex, we were encouraged by the Midwives to give L a dummy to help strengthen it. We were also advised to go straight onto formula, and to feed L every 3 hours to prevent her blood sugar from dropping. L had regular heel !!!!! tests for 24 hours to test her blood sugar.
Yes i was a bit sad that i couldn't breastfeed, but it's not the end of the world, and the best thing you can do as a Mummy is relax, and feed your baby whatever is best for your particular circumstance be it formula or breastmilk.

You need to get some sleep, and if formula is the best way to enable you to feel like a human being again, then so be it.
I have been told by loads of people that i am a good Mum, but i feel so inadequate at times, but i guess it comes with the territory.

You have to make peace with your decision to feed your baby formula if you are unable to breastfeed, sometimes breastfeeding just isn't possible, and trust me, your baby doesn't care!

Money_maker

Have to agree with everyone above, BF can be so emotive particularly when you're tired and hormonal. I BF DS1 for 3 months but felt like I had let him down when I stopped, I cried so much.

With DD, I had an abscess on the breast -was so painful. Forced me to abandon BF'ing after a few weeks as I couldn't just feed from one side.

Please get some rest and remember these first few weeks can be the most difficult emotionally.

Aesop

Always_Alone - you are most definitely not a failure! You produced a beautiful baby son! You carried him inside you, fed him, protected him, grew him and made sure he was born. You are amazing! he is no way being disadvantaged! He has 2 parents who love him and care for him!

I was unable to breastfeed my DS due to problems at the birth, had to have an emergency cesarean and my breastmilk never came through. I bottle fed my DS from the day he was born, and there is nothing wrong with him! he is taller than kids his age, because his dad is tall, he has big feet and hands, like his dad.

I still felt close to DS through bottlefeeding him, and unfortunately he is one that woke every hour/2 hours for a feed and it was only when he reached 3 that I started to get better night's sleep, ie unbroken sleep or longer sleep before being woken up!

When you are tired, have given birth, emotions and hormones are all over the place, you will be feeling everything at the moment!

Agree with other posters, get Daddy to take some night feeds and get some sleep, you need it and are worth it.

redsquarelady

When my lo was born just over 2 years ago, she was tongue tied. This prevented her from latching on properly. This wasn't discovered for a few weeks, so in this time she lost a lot of weight (more than they should) The midwife told me to carry on with the breast feeding, then express and then formula top ups. My lo in the first few weeks was feeding every hour because i couldn't get her to take a larger feed to see her through more than that. ( again, first time mum wasn't confident in what i was doing)

I can quite honestly say i thought i was going to lose the plot completly. No sleep for a few weeks, wasn't eating properly as i just didn't have time. This all made me feel like a completely useless as a mother.
It's only now i can look back on that time and realised i should have been easier on myself and just go to formula a lot earlier. But i thought breast was best for my lo, when in fact what would have been best was a saine mother.
Please op give yourself a break. Your son will be fine on formula.

wantnomoneyworries

Always_Alone loads of great advice here. Try and get some rest - remember tomorrow is another day. Whatever you decide you are doing the right thing for you and your DS. Like I said before definitely NOT a failure. I think you sound like a loving and caring mum - lucky boy!!

Mupette

Aww but you are doing right by your baby,

We are all told breast is best, we are told that.

But sometimes its just not possible, it doesnt make you a failure at all.

You've got the baby blues, but strongly urge that at the end of this week and you still have them talk to health visitor and or doctor.

you have not failed your baby, you are still providing food, so what if it's formula and not breast.

I only managed 6 weeks, ds is 16 and healthy, no harm came to him.
You do what you can, don't struggle on if you can't do it, he doesn't want an upset mummy.

You have provided him with lots of love.

you do what YOU feel right.

Valli

I want to add that you are NOT failing - if breast feeding was EASY then everyone would do it ... but they don't.

My sis has had 4 babies - for some reason her 4th (after successfully B/F the first 3) could NOT suckle/she couldn't provide milk.

There were tears...

eventually my BIL went out and bought formula and baby four was bottle fed. She's now 16; bright as a button, doing a-levels;

so PLEASE don't stress...

you've tried, some don't even get that far.
And positives of bottle feeding - it doesn't always have to be you. Hubby can give you a break and you can have 8 hours sleep one night - and what baby doesn't benefit from a rested mum? Feeds can be prepared/refrigerated. You can walk round without leaky boobs...
Enjoy your baby, hun!

And as for the last part of your post - no, your baby IS NOT disadvantaged due to your inadequacies. He has been born to parents who want him and love him, and are doing their very best to take care of him. You have the facility to feed him safely and healthily - yes it's formula BUT is a clean bottle, clean water and all the nourishment he needs. That is NOT a disadvantage!

Always_Alone

Thank you all for your replies, you've all just made me cry all over again while formula feeding the baby because i couldn't face putting him to my breast, watching him not take, formula feeding him, winding, changing and then attempting to express.

There is so much emphasis but on the benefits of breastfeeding and i am just gutted that i can't provide my baby with the best start in life. The thought of him having issues later in life because i was too tired to perservere kills me but i just don't have the energy to survive on an hours sleep.

My partner has been amazing, doing night feeds, sorting out my meals, washing etc. but i am trying to do the night feeds myself as he goes back to work next week. I don't know how i'll cope if i'm still trying to get baby on breast and am on my own at home as well. He admitted today that in an ideal world he would like baby breastfed, he thought formula was probably better because he can see what sort of state i am in.

I have 99% decided to go with formula only and haven't expressed or put baby to breast since this morning but there's just this niggling thought at the back of my head that i should try harder and put baby's needs above my need to sleep. I feel like such a crap mum.