New mum....failing :(

LillythePink

Totally agree with the other posters - we are told that breast is best and ok it may be, but if you can't do it for whatever reason - it's not the end of the world.

What is more important is a healthy baby who is fed, warm, content and loved - doesn't matter how the milk gets into them (bottle or boob)

My daughter was 4 weeks early and a low birth weight who (like your son) didn't have the sucking reflex.

I also wasn't producing milk - 4 hours on a pump and I had only managed less than 2oz - the nurses fed her by getting her to lap up the milk like a cat/dog - but she had to be put on a drip for a day or two just to get some more into her.

She did have the heel pricks several times and to me, that was a worse feeling than not being able to breastfeed

In the week we were in hospital she only lost 2oz which was brilliant as she wasn't feeding well at all.

When I got home - it was straight onto the bottle and I have never regretted it - she got what she needed (milk), hubby got was he needed (bonding with baby because he was able to feed her) and I got what I needed which was rest.

Those three things above are more important than some health visitor trying to force you into doing something that quite plainly can't be done - don't beat yourself up about it and start your new family with this cloud hanging over your head - it's not worth it.

becominganobsessivesaver

I had my second child 12 days ago and just wanted to say congratulations. The effort you've put into breast feeding so far is amazing and your baby will have got those important nutrients in the first few days. The most important thing now is to focus on yourself so you can enjoy him - time goes so quickly and you'll enjoy everything so much more when you're rested!

skintchick

Oh I just lost a big post! So annoying. But I wanted to give you the helpline numbers so you can talk through your decision to use formula and come to peace with it. THey are 0300 100 0210 and 0300 100 0212, and are staffed every day 9.30 to 9.30 so there will be someone there now to talk to you.

You are not a failure, you are trying to do your best, in fact you ARE doing your best, in difficult circumstances and with very little sleep, which always makes everything look dreadful.

It must be very frustrating to not be able to do something you want to, or to only be able to achieve it by not sleeping and running yourself ragged. It's important that you look after yourself as well as your baby.

If you do deep down still want to breastfeed then you could consider giving yourself an easier goal than exclusive breastfeeding - every feed matters and even a small amount of breastmilk brings benefits to baby, so don;t feel bad about mix feeding in a way that works for you.

It's vital that YOU are happy with what you do, so it doesn;t matter what any of us on here have done or not done, because you need to do what works for you and makes you happy.

If you do want to try and continue to do some breastfeeding, then having plenty of skin to skin time with no pressure to feed will help you and baby to be calm thanks to all the happy hormones it produces, it is also a good way for you to rest (lie in bed with baby with your tops off or tuck baby inside your top on the sofa) and if nothing else you will feel chilled and relaxed, even if the feed you then give is formula.

But please remember that you are doing the absolute best for your baby. Bad mums don't post like you have, only good mums who are trying their hardest ask for help because they want to be doing the right thing, but as long as your baby is loved and cared for then you ARE doing the right thing.

Just ensure that whatever decision you make is one YOU are happy with.

Janepig

Just sticking my oar in here. DS was 5 weeks early, emergency section and low blood sugar so although he didn't go to special care (which he avoided by the skin of his teeth by his blood sugar going up on the last test they were going to give him before whisking him off) but he was tube fed for a day or two. He's just turned six now and I'm convinced the tube feeding turned him into the laziest eater ever! I think he enjoyed the convenience of lying there while someone kind came along and poured a bit of milk directly into his stomach while he did nothing. Joyo! I never even bothered with breast feeding then tbh, he struggled enough with bottle feeding, his weight went right down, and we had to feed him every two hours, make a note of what he was taking (lucky if it was an ounce, lazy git!) and we again managed to avoid him having to go back to hospital.

I tried breast feeding DD prior to that, gave it about a week or so, but due to a combination of factors (long story) it was my home midwife who gave me "permission" to give up as she could see I was struggling and she told me that if anyone said anything I was to tell them that she had told me I could bottle feed instead. She was an angel.

I note with interest a couple of posts on here about dummies helping babies "learn" to suck to help them with breast feeding - when I had DD a hospital midwife said I could give her a dummy but not to tell anyone she'd said that because the advice at that time (8 years ago) was not to use a dummy if you were attempting to breast feed. Best advice changes all the time, it's a struggle to keep up!!

Oh I have "failed" as a parent in so many ways , sections, bottle feeding, disposable nappies, etc.., but I have encountered a lot of properly crap parents in my life and I know I'm not one, and neither are you OP, far from it. When your little one is 18 and out on the town with his pals, and you're lying awake wondering when and in what state he's going to come home, you'll be thinking back with fondness to the days when you were lying awake worrying about how you were feeding him!

Jx

Lirin

Always, I gave birth on the 19th Dec, she's a gorgeous angel.

I had made the decision to breasfeed. I managed two weeks, for a couple of reasons.

1, I didn't know what I was doing the first few times, and she chomped down and cracked/ cut me- and it left me sore to hug anyone, let alone feed her. I tried up until last night, and everytime she latched on, she was just opening old cuts.

2, My girl appears to have a bottomless stomach- I'm convinced there's a black hole in there. She's packing away more- way more- than the guidelines state, and I would get up in the morning more or less to sit on the sofa for hours, just changing/feeding. I'm having trouble producing what she needs.

I haven't let go of the idea of breastfeeding just yet. I like the closeness. But I also had to recognise that sitting in pain and being continually exhausted wasn't helping anything- I was producing less milk under stress. She was also colicky, as I've been on a few different medications since the labour as I had problems with blood during pregnancy, and several problems after the birth- I'm constantly lightheaded and dizzy, and find my concentration is shot. Add in feeling weak, and then the lack of sleep etc from constant feeds was a recipe for disaster, I suppose.

For now,I'm trialling a few days on formula- Rose has been on a mix of expressed milk and straight from the breast since her birth, so has no problem switching across. When I heal up, I will try again.
I'm expressing as well in the meantime.

It was a very hard decision to make- once I said in hospital I was breastfeeding, nobody would discuss formula at all with me. It was suddenly a taboo subject, and even a general query was met with a cautious reply.

It was only after speaking to my sisters- one says she had no problems, it was easy, best feeling in her life. The other sister told me the first was rose-tinted- she said she'd had plenty of tearful phonecalls from her. Second sister also told me her problems with her two children. She wanted to breastfeed, and looking back, I can remember her very, very stressed to the point where she was nearly ill as a result. Both sisters and my mother found it hard, and it isn't something everyone can do. Motherhood is so, so much more than breastfeeding though. Please don't feel a failure, you are not. I know that between last night and today, I've been able to do things around the house, tidy up, get things in order. Just being able to do simple things like ironing- when for the last two weeks, I've had her pretty much clamped on me! I know that although I still feel uneasy with my decision, I also feel much more refreshed, and I have a clearer head. I found it very hard to sleep last night, as I was worried giving her formula suddenly may affect her- barring a few impressive nappies, Rose slept better than most adults. She's lying watching me now, and I'm thankful I can enjoy her.

If you can do it, then you can. If you can't, or just need a rest from it, then please don't beat yourself up. I don't know if this is any help to you at all, but we're both in the same boat at the moment, and I've had plenty of the same feelings as you. If you need to talk, please PM me. I'm hoping this is any help at all to you- I was in tears talking about it with my partner yestarday, who eventually told me he would much prefer a happy baby and mum, regardless of whichever decision I made.

You are not alone, there will always be plenty of support. You are doing your son no harm, and you sound like a fantastic, concerned mother.

Sorry for the huge post, I hadn't intended to write a book!

Mojisola

Always_Alone wrote: »

I have 99% decided to go with formula only and haven't expressed or put baby to breast since this morning but there's just this niggling thought at the back of my head that i should try harder and put baby's needs above my need to sleep. I feel like such a crap mum.

I'm all for breast feeding if Mum and baby take to it and enjoy it but I hope you've decided to go with formula. Baby needs a well-rested Mum!

kelpie35

mountainofdebt wrote: »

This is why I get so het up about the whole breastfeeding issue.......new mums, just when they least need it, get made to feel like failures if they can't or decide not to breastfeed.

You need to do what's best for you and the little one and if that means feeding him formula (which anyone would think is akin to sticking a big mac down his neck the way some people go on about it) then so be it.

happy baby = happy mum = happy baby.


I always remember how the caring sharing breastfeeding sister at the hospital made one woman's life hell becuase she was having similar problems and the poor mite was starving. In the end the mum grew a pair and fed the baby formula - much to the sister's disgust - and result was one happy content baby.

Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mum - you're not !

I have to agree with you 100%

The same thing happened to me when I had my son. The nurses and midwives tried to make me feel a failure.

OP I think you should continues with formula and get as much sleep as you possible can.

Happy New Year to you and your family :beer:

poet123

Always_Alone wrote: »

I feel such a failure for not being able to provide the most basic thing for my poor baby who will now be disadvantaged due to my inadequecies.

What rubbish sweetheart, your baby will be fine. You are not a failure and it really angers me that new mums are made to feel this way by the media and other mums. Your priority is to make your peace with the issue, it is not your fault (there is no fault here) and is a decision nature has taken out of your hands.

You need to banish all the negative thoughts about bottle feeding from your mind and look around you at all the happy, healthy, bottle fed babies and adults who are everywhere. I have four strapping sons, (one born six weeks early) all bottle fed and all healthy adults.

Enjoy your baby, focus on enjoying the feeding time and not the method. Tiredness is a killer, get some rest accept all the help offered and you will soon see the wood for the trees.

Congratulations on his arrival. :A:j:j

jamgirl

I could have written this exact post when my daughter was born...... 16 1/2 yrs ago!

she too decided to come 4 weeks early and i really wanted to breast feed. we tried and tried but she had no desire to suck, wanted to sleep all the time and was losing weight. after a few days i had no choice but to bottle feed. and yes i felt terrible. but...... i was soon able to sleep instead of trying to feed a reluctant baby every couple of hours. hubbie was also able to join in the feeding.

she is now a beautiful girl who left school this summer with outstanding exam results, so formula milk didn't mush her brain . she is now at college and chose to spend last night at home with family not partying :j ...... what i'm trying to say is yuou have to do what is best for both of you .... and if that is bottle then bottle it is. you will still have a beautiful baby and will be a wonderful mum

Tropez

You're not a failure for not being able to breastfeed. There's many other motherly things you'll excel at.

I was never breastfed so even if you can't manage to I can safely say it really doesn't matter.