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New mum....failing :(

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Comments

  • Aesop
    Aesop Posts: 23,773 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    I beat myself up mentally because I could not BF, I ended up with PND due to a mixture of reasons, MIL, the trauma of the birth, not being able to BF, etc.

    DH said the same thing, he would prefer me to BF, but obviously was not happening and DS needed to be fed, so formula it was.

    I think the emphasis is huge on BF as it is FREE. Especially in countries where mothers cannot afford to buy formula, etc. Everyone talks about BF to encourage it, as it is free, it does have health benefits but as thousands of mums who have chosen to/had to forumla feed their kids will tell you, their kids are fine, have grown up into healthy, happy adults.

    Please don't stress about it anymore. Just concentrate on your son. he will only be a little baby for a little while, enjoy all the time you have with him, watching him sleeping, watching him playing, waiting for the first smile, his recognition of you and daddy when he hears your voices, the first words, etc.

    You are amazing, remember that!
  • carebabe
    carebabe Posts: 225 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    you are not failing your baby. i remember feeling a failure because i had to have a forceps delivery.
    Teamwork means.......never having to take all the blame yourself ;)
  • thatgirlsam
    thatgirlsam Posts: 10,451 Forumite
    Thank you all for your replies, you've all just made me cry all over again while formula feeding the baby because i couldn't face putting him to my breast, watching him not take, formula feeding him, winding, changing and then attempting to express.

    There is so much emphasis but on the benefits of breastfeeding and i am just gutted that i can't provide my baby with the best start in life. The thought of him having issues later in life because i was too tired to perservere kills me but i just don't have the energy to survive on an hours sleep.

    My partner has been amazing, doing night feeds, sorting out my meals, washing etc. but i am trying to do the night feeds myself as he goes back to work next week. I don't know how i'll cope if i'm still trying to get baby on breast and am on my own at home as well. He admitted today that in an ideal world he would like baby breastfed, he thought formula was probably better because he can see what sort of state i am in.

    I have 99% decided to go with formula only and haven't expressed or put baby to breast since this morning but there's just this niggling thought at the back of my head that i should try harder and put baby's needs above my need to sleep. I feel like such a crap mum.

    Well you're not - you are exhausted, thats all

    Its hard being a mum! You try and do the best you can at the time but there will always be a little voice saying 'is this the right way'

    When I had my first somone gave me some good advice - Don't try and be a perfect mum as there is no such thing (and they will always find something to throw back in your face when they hit 15 :p .. and it won't be breastfeeding!!)

    I hope I'm not making this worse :o
    £608.98
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  • Thank you all for your replies, you've all just made me cry all over again while formula feeding the baby because i couldn't face putting him to my breast, watching him not take, formula feeding him, winding, changing and then attempting to express.

    There is so much emphasis but on the benefits of breastfeeding and i am just gutted that i can't provide my baby with the best start in life.[/B] The thought of him having issues later in life because i was too tired to perservere kills me but i just don't have the energy to survive on an hours sleep.

    My partner has been amazing, doing night feeds, sorting out my meals, washing etc. but i am trying to do the night feeds myself as he goes back to work next week. I don't know how i'll cope if i'm still trying to get baby on breast and am on my own at home as well. He admitted today that in an ideal world he would like baby breastfed, he thought formula was probably better because he can see what sort of state i am in.

    I have 99% decided to go with formula only and haven't expressed or put baby to breast since this morning but there's just this niggling thought at the back of my head that i should try harder and put baby's needs above my need to sleep. I feel like such a crap mum.


    Now stop it - the best start in life a baby can have is loving parents and you are more than up to that job. Not every baby is breast fed - neither of mine were, I wasn't either and I like to think we all turned out fine ;). You are putting far to much pressure on yourself. How can you have tried harder? Sounds to me like you have done your best. If you feel so strongly try again another day, without any sleep things always seem worse. Baby will be fine whatever you do, but you need to be fit too. You certainly are not crap! Just strung out and everyone has those days!
    Sorry for the long post but I really feel for you - it is hard but you'll get through this x
  • Aesop
    Aesop Posts: 23,773 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    last post before I go to bed,


    remember you are amazing!
  • Don't try and be a perfect mum as there is no such thing (and they will always find something to throw back in your face when they hit 15 :p .. and it won't be breastfeeding!!)

    I lolled at that so true. so true :)
  • merlot123
    merlot123 Posts: 720 Forumite
    You are certainly not a crap Mother, a crap Mother wouldn't be on this forum asking for help.

    What you are feeling is perfectly normal, you want the best for baby, and that doesn't have to be a breastfed baby. I know all the advice is breast is best, but at the end of the day, what is best is Mummy being able to sleep in order to function and take care of her baby.

    merlot123
  • thatgirlsam
    thatgirlsam Posts: 10,451 Forumite
    greenyj wrote: »
    Don't try and be a perfect mum as there is no such thing (and they will always find something to throw back in your face when they hit 15 :p .. and it won't be breastfeeding!!)

    I lolled at that so true. so true :)

    The same person told me that you can buy all the organic blankets, clothes and food you like (I did) but when they get to 15 they will only eat pot noodles and will wear the same skanky t-shirt for weeks

    :rotfl:
    £608.98
    £80
    £1288.99
    £85.90
    £154.98
  • The same person told me that you can buy all the organic blankets, clothes and food you like (I did) but when they get to 15 they will only eat pot noodles and will wear the same skanky t-shirt for weeks

    :rotfl:

    Yes and the more you tell them they need a haircut - the longer the hair gets!!

    Look at all the fun ahead of you Always_alone xx
  • sweaty_betty
    sweaty_betty Posts: 1,337 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker Xmas Saver!
    Hi there - I agree with everything that's been said above.
    As a parent there is always something to make us feel guilty or as if we've failed them, but from your OP you are doing everything in your power to make sure your baby is getting exactly what him needs, which is food in whatever form it comes in.

    We're told that breastfeeding is best, but that message can often leave us feeling desperately inadequate if we can't do it for some reason. Although I fully support the "breast is best" approach, I think that the attitudes of some people promoting this (in my experience, which I acknowledge isn't the experience of everyone) can be at best insensitive and at worse quite damaging to those who are struggling.

    The important things to remember are:
    - it's not your fault! You delivered early, so he hadn't developed the reflexes he needed to successfully breastfeed, plus at that early stage your milk probably hadn't had chance to come in yet (I know mine didn't, and I delivered at 38 weeks). You can't do anything about these things, they were out of your control
    - you have done and are doing the best you can for your baby.
    - it's absolutely fine to use formula if you need to - they wouldn't be able to sell it if it caused harm. Only you can make the decision to give up breastfeeding or not, it sounds like you've come to that conclusion and, in all honesty, I think I would've reached the same conclusion in your shoes (from the information you've posted here). You've really given it your best shot.
    - being a new parent is both terrifying and exhausting and we all have to develop ways of finding the time to rest and relax. IMO your baby needs his parents to be happy and rested (as far as is possible) more than he needs breastmilk over formula. You currently have such a crammed routine that it would be easy for you to struggle to do this, which won't do you or the baby any good if it continues indefinitely.

    I really hope that you find some comfort in some of the posts and it helps you to come to terms with giving up breastfeeding if that's the way you want to go. No one has any right to judge you for this - and please don't judge yourself, if you've thought it through it will be the right decision for you.

    Take care
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