Should you compromise?

FatVonD

I've not read all the replies but, OP, you are the one whose fertility is declining, not him, so he's actually being very selfish in putting it off indefinitely if he knows that's what you want.

I was in a similar situation in my early 30s, I'd been with someone for 5 years who *said* he wanted kids but always had an excuse why not yet, we even moved to a bigger house as he didn't want to bring kids up in the (my!) 2-bed house we were living in.

We moved and then it was another excuse (he had a bad back), eventually I ended the relationship only to find that, by the time I'd met someone else, I needed fertility treatment to conceive. His next 2 girlfriends (neither of which he stayed with) both got pregnant accidentally, one had a termination, the next kept the baby and they stayed together for a couple of years and I had the pleasure of bumping into her with the child while in the middle of my first 3 rounds of unsuccessful IUI (we had a mutual friend that she came over to say 'hello' to, she had no idea who I was), not a good feeling.

You need to spell out to him that you don't have forever to decide to have children (Mother Nature favours those physically best suited to having a baby, not those most financially able) and you need a straight answer, you then have to make the difficult decision.

For what it's worth once I'd met my first husband the LT BF tried to get back together but too much water had gone under the bridge by then and my first attempt at IVF was successful so all's well that ends well (if you don't count the subsequent divorce, of course) as I have my beloved son

basketcase

jtr2803 wrote: »

Men have posted on the *other* thread and said there is no way they would propose before 5 years even though they are very much in love as they think that's the minimum amount of time to know someone well enough.

The cynic in me wonders if they'd think this if they weren't living in a 'marital situation' (ie if 'taking your time to get to know someone' included not having full physical intimacy until you did know them)

But I may be doing these men a disservice. In which case, my apologies...

hounddoggy

Hello everyone

Thank you all for your replies, I didn't think I would get so many...

I have sat down with my OH and discussed this before - I'm not just thinking it all in my head and expecting him to telepathically know how I'm feeling. We last had a 'big talk' about it about 3 months ago.

He is a very intelligent and sensitive man and I know that he wouldn't keep me in limbo if we didn't want the same things in life generally but I don't like to keep going on about it as he doesn't respond well to nagging (like most men.) He understands perfectly the effect my age could have on things and that if we wanted more than one child it might be more difficult the second time around because we'd be older - and that's even if it was easy the first time which nobody knows the answer to.

I love him very much and he is the 'one'. And I know there are no guarantees I could just meet someone else and immediately get hitched and start popping kids out - life isn't like that is it?

I don't know what to do next. Might wait for Christmas to be all over with and see where we go from there. I have no desire to leave him, my life is great and I am very happy but these are things I want sooner rather than later... Like someone said earlier (think it was Chick) - it's a fine line between letting someone know how important something is to you and coming over as desperate.

lostinrates

hounddoggy wrote: »

I have sat down with my OH and discussed this before - I'm not just thinking it all in my head and expecting him to telepathically know how I'm feeling. We last had a 'big talk' about it about 3 months ago..

did you tell him you'd looked at flats? does he understand really how desperate you have felt?

I wouldn't mention it apart from once more, once resolved with myself how long I was prepared to give it. I'd tell him my ''deadline'' and be prepared to move on if he said nothing by then.

I would NOT nag about it, I wouldn't mention it again.

if he does know how desperate you feel and is not making move forwards then I'd feel differently again, I can't imagine telling my partner I was desperate enough to find myself considering ''what if this ends'' and him NOT wanting to resolve it one way or another.

ska_lover

hounddoggy wrote: »

Hello everyone

Thank you all for your replies, I didn't think I would get so many...

I have sat down with my OH and discussed this before - I'm not just thinking it all in my head and expecting him to telepathically know how I'm feeling. We last had a 'big talk' about it about 3 months ago.

He is a very intelligent and sensitive man and I know that he wouldn't keep me in limbo if we didn't want the same things in life generally but I don't like to keep going on about it as he doesn't respond well to nagging (like most men.) He understands perfectly the effect my age could have on things and that if we wanted more than one child it might be more difficult the second time around because we'd be older - and that's even if it was easy the first time which nobody knows the answer to.

I love him very much and he is the 'one'. And I know there are no guarantees I could just meet someone else and immediately get hitched and start popping kids out - life isn't like that is it?

I don't know what to do next. Might wait for Christmas to be all over with and see where we go from there. I have no desire to leave him, my life is great and I am very happy but these are things I want sooner rather than later... Like someone said earlier (think it was Chick) - it's a fine line between letting someone know how important something is to you and coming over as desperate.

You seem confused

One one hand you say in your first post, you find yourself looking at flats, and then here you say you have no desire to leave. You are quite right, you could leave him, then have a series of bad relationships, there are no guarantees you are going to meet someone half as good as the man you currently have.

I would say at this time of year, be grateful for what you DO have - you have a man you love (but are considering to leave because he won't bow down). Dwell on that - it is more than a lot of people have..

I think you should tread very carefully, and if he is not ready all the 'letting him know how important it is' (or in otherwords pressuring him) is not going to make the time right for him. Yes, he could buckle but would just be doing it for your sake. i.e Halfheartedly. I wouldn't want to be proposed to, or have kids only halfheartedly - they are full on commitments.

You say you had a big talk with him three months ago, and he has made his position clear...why do you feel the need to keep reiterating how you feel?

JulieGeorgiana

There is a difference between 'nagging' 'going on about it all the time' and 'having an adult conversation'

I told my DH about this thread and he agreed, you should be open and honest, being in a relationship means having a good open two way communication.

Ever since we were together 6 months we have always talked about what we want, and what we expect (even if at first it was more vague)... when we got engaged, married and decided to start a family we talked about all of it the whole time. That's not to say I went on about it constantly. I simply told him that I would like Children, and before I turn 35 (for health/fertility reasons) and he said that sounded fair enough. He told me he would like to wait for marriage but it would be within 5 years (2011). We got married in 2010 and I am now 30 and pregnant with our first child (due in 2.5 weeks), we hope to have another when I am 32 if my health continues to hold.

My point is that you shouldn't be scared to talk to your partner about what you want from life, and listening to what they want. Having shared goals is what sharing a life is all about. How can you have a relationship with someone if you are not sure that you want the same things from life. Because with Marriage and Children you have to agree on who is going to earn money, clean the house, look after the children, how you are going to disapline and bring up your children. You have to agree and discuss all these really fundamental things as time goes on...

Be open and honest, because saying nothing means you might never get what you want. The worst that can happen is he tells you he doesn't want the same as you do... and you have to make the decision to stay or compromise. But if you never talk to him, you'll never know the answer.

JulieGeorgiana

hounddoggy wrote: »

I have sat down with my OH and discussed this before - I'm not just thinking it all in my head and expecting him to telepathically know how I'm feeling. We last had a 'big talk' about it about 3 months ago.

But he never gave you an answer. You can't talk at him, you have to talk with him. Ask him if he wants what you want... and if so on what kind of timescale is he thinking.

I am terrible... my DH get's told if he needs space and time to think that's fine, but I do need an answer and I will ask him how long he would like me to wait.

Your partner doesn't have to say 'i'll propose on xx/xx/xx' he just has to tell you that he wants what you want, and he wants to marry within x years and start a family.

ktb

JulieGeorgiana wrote: »

Your partner doesn't have to say 'i'll propose on xx/xx/xx' he just has to tell you that he wants what you want, and he wants to marry within x years and start a family.

This is exactly how my OH and I dealt with it. My Ex broke my heart after 4 years, having known full well that having kids was very important to me, from the beginning, by eventually admitting that he didn't see that happening for him anytime soon just as I was getting very broody & ready to properly settle with the man I loved. We really did love each other very much but he finally 'freed me' to find someone who could give me what I wanted. Was absolutely horrible but I am so grateful that he did it.

So after 1 miserable year, 1.5 years as a happy singleton I met my wonderful OH. We had such an amazing connection that I decided to take a risk and be pretty candid early on (although I tackled it with loads of humour so fingers crossed it didn't come across desperate!! But reaction might depend on the bloke!) and wonderfully enough he 100% understood and was on the same page with regards to the commitment and gave me a 2 year estimate for a proposal with promise of kids to follow. I am 32 with endometriosis & fibroids, so I honestly felt I could not afford to waste my time with another bloke who was indifferent.

He often talks about 'when we have a baby...' & seems very excited about our future etc so I feel very comfortable that i've not terrified him & he won't be a repeat of last time!! So in answer to your original question OP - in my world NO you should not. Having babies is too big a deal & if your body clock is ticking it could really drive a wedge between you if he doesn't give you an answer and some timings sometime soon. He may even need a rude shock to know that you need to be taken seriously.

sharrison778

There's a great scene in the tv show Scrubs where Carla goes on a rant about planning their future, living together, getting married, having kids and how she thinks about these things and worries. She says to Turk that she just wants to know that he thinks about these things too. His answer is 'baby.......no'.

I've come to the conclusion that (sweeping generalisation to follow) most men just dont plan out their personal life in the same way women do. My partner is the most orgnaised, focused person in his job and yet he just doesnt apply the same in his pesonal life.

I cant tell from the OP's post whether her boyfriend is just oblivious or he doesnt want those things. I agree with all the other comments saying you need to talk to him.

Chick

sharrison778 wrote: »

There's a great scene in the tv show Scrubs where Carla goes on a rant about planning their future, living together, getting married, having kids and how she thinks about these things and worries. She says to Turk that she just wants to know that he thinks about these things too. His answer is 'baby.......no'.

I've come to the conclusion that (sweeping generalisation to follow) most men just dont plan out their personal life in the same way women do. My partner is the most orgnaised, focused person in his job and yet he just doesnt apply the same in his pesonal life.

I cant tell from the OP's post whether her boyfriend is just oblivious or he doesnt want those things. I agree with all the other comments saying you need to talk to him.

I would tend to agree with you on the comment about men vs women and planning for the future. I really don't think it's because they lack motivation or desire to get married/have kids, I reckon some of them genuinely think these things will just "happen at some point" or "when they feel ready".

The key thing is the point about fertility...
A man doesn't have to worry about his fertility dropping as he ages past 30, the increased chance of chromosomal problems e.g. down syndrome. Indeed, on the contrary he should be aware of all this if he is planning of having a baby with his partner.

I think women are just generally more informed with the potential timescales of these things. I have a close friend who has been married nearly 2.5 years, trying for a baby since the honeymoon and nothing as yet. It was a big thing for her to be married before kids, it took long while to bring the OH round to the whole getting engaged & married thing. She is devastated as they were hoping for 2 or 3 children, even having just the one seems unlikely without medical intervention

This is why women, generally, try to plan ahead a bit. ok there are those who never give it a thought til they hit 35 and then conceive immediately. Men, generally, just don't really get all this planning or perceived rush to get things done.

I strongly agree that the OP needs to talk seriously with her partner, he needs to appreciate that she doesn't have years & years left to start a family :eek: