Should you compromise?

rinabean

jtr2803 wrote: »

It's more about the fact that there is a mutual agreement that marriage is on the cards in the future and just waiting until a wedding or formal engagement happens.

But it doesn't "happen". Proposals and weddings aren't like weather. You don't sit back and wait for it. A proposal is a choice an adult makes. Are you going to live your entire life to his schedule?

I do understand this kind of casual engagement because I had one myself. For a month. While we were waiting for the ring I picked out online to arrive from abroad. Not for years and years of convincing and waiting and manipulating.

Lovelyjoolz

jtr2803 wrote: »

Lovelyjoolz, it's clear that you and I have differing ideas and I don't want to argue. I think you have maybe misunderstood what the thread is about, it's not a group of women !!!!!ing about the fact our men haven't proposed but we haven't had the grace to at least indicate our choices. It's more about the fact that there is a mutual agreement that marriage is on the cards in the future and just waiting until a wedding or formal engagement happens.

I don't want to nag or push him into anything. He knows how I feel and that's why I have my own deadline, if at that point he is no further in deciding it will actually happen then I have to assess whether I want to continue like that.

Thank you jtf2803 - I understand your point now. I was seriously worried that women were sitting around, hoping, waiting and making subtle hints about marriage but not having the courage to actually discuss it!

It's still worrying tho - women with their fertile life running out, waiting for their bloke to make up his mind. Maybe the thread should be renamed to "Waiting for him to grow up, grow some and make a decision"

scheming_gypsy

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Well, there are two points there, firstly, nagging is ALWAYS bad, regardless of the subject. And constantly going on about anything is boring all round. But what you're saying makes no sense. Are you saying that you'd only propose if you hadn't discussed it first? You're either a nutter or just love to run the risk of a flat out refusal!

i like to live on the edge, but if I was thinking of proposing it wouldn't be until I had a pretty good idea she'd say yes. If I regularly woke up to find a pillow on my face or I had to hide the knives, then I wouldn't be doing it. But you women are crap at hinting so I usually know when a girl wants to spend her life with me, which is normally within minutes of her seeing me

easy

hounddoggy wrote: »

Hello

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my relationship... I have been with my OH for the last three years and love him very much. Our relationship is great, we get on really well, laugh, have fun and are generally very happy. If you believe that someone is "the one" then I think I have found him.

However... We are not married, or even engaged, we do not have children and are not trying to have any at the moment either.

I am torn because I really want all of this as well. I am in my early 30s and never imagined my life without a husband and a family.

We have talked about this quite a lot. It's not that my OH doesn't want these things in life too because he does, he talks about it as something in the future but he never talks timescales specifically.

I don't want to push it too far because firstly I don't want him to think I am desperate, secondly because I don't want him to feel forced into something and thirdly because I know he likes to make up his own mind on things.

I can't imagine leaving him but I find myself looking at flats online and thinking about going because I don't want to live my life waiting for him to decide when the time is right for everything. I'm not talking about ultimatums or anything like that, I've made my feelings perfectly clear and I guess I don't want to waste time and feel like I'm not getting the things I want out of the relationship.

Do I compromise what I want in life because I love him and stay and wait for him to get there or do I go and find someone else who can give me what I want?

Thanks for reading

My view is that if the idea of " I guess I don't want to waste time and feel like I'm not getting the things I want out of the relationship" is crossing your mind, then this man isn't THE ONE.

He's fun, you like him, and he's good enough for you right now. In my experience (and I recognise this is a very personal opinion) if he was THE ONE, the perfect match for you, then you couldn't contemplate life without him, no matter what life brought you.

I was 32, very single, VERY committed to my career, and had assumed I was going to be a single professional woman for the rest of my life, when THE ONE suddenly appeared in my life.
Within weeks HE was more important than anything else to me. We were married 5 months later, and 19 years (and one 12 year-old son) on we are still very much in love, and very happy together.

Okay, you may persuade your man to become a husband and father. He may settle for that, and you may settle for him. But in 20 years time, will you still look at him (rather fatter and more grey haired than he was) and still feel a bubble of excitement and pride that he is with you? - Actually, check, do you feel that way NOW ??

Or, will you just be settled into a vague sense of contentment (which I suppose is what most couples end up with), or worse, will you have ended up with an expensive divorce and nasty taste in your mouth, because you 'settled' for something that wasn't quite enough.

Think for a few moments OP. are you sure this guy is THE ONE ??

BTW, I do realise that I'm very lucky to have found mine - and do bear in mind, he didn't turn up until I had actually stopped looking.

jtr2803

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Well, there are two points there, firstly, nagging is ALWAYS bad, regardless of the subject. And constantly going on about anything is boring all round. But what you're saying makes no sense. Are you saying that you'd only propose if you hadn't discussed it first? You're either a nutter or just love to run the risk of a flat out refusal!

I'm not a fan of marriage (been there, done that, it's overrated - just a bit of paper - and besides, divorce is a pain in the !!!!!) but I do understand that some people want it, especially if they want children. What I can't get is the daft notion that it should be some out-of-the-blue overblown romantic gesture that shouldn't be rationally discussed beforehand.

:rotfl:To be fair most of us who are waiting don't really care how it happens, it could be in a recycling centre with a Haribo ring for all I care!!

My eyes have been opened on this thread. I have perhaps made some assumptions that I shouldn't have on the 'waiting for a proposal' thread, but one thing is perfectly clear - both men and women have a very strange way of looking at the subject and neither way is particularly grown-up!

Totally, totally agree with this!

It's so difficult to try and explain or comprehend if you haven't been in the situation yourself and I wish it was as easy as sitting down and saying 'let's get married' but most of us have this innate fear or nagging for it.

lizzywig

I'm not normally a fan of romantic advice books but a friend of mine was reading one and told me about it, I borrowed her copy just to have a nose (am happily married with baby) and was intrigued. Everything that the book covered was so spot on, I even ran it past a few male friends and a cousin who all agreed that yes it pretty much hit the nail on the head. The basic moral of the story is that men (sorry, some men), are completely content with their lives and will just plod along as they are because they are happy and why change anything when you're happy. Perhaps the prospect of losing you would be more horrific to him that the prospect of having to make a change in his life. Although you have made yourself clear maybe he just doesn't get it?

One other thing to consider, if he is your "one" do you really want to be without him? What if you leave in the hope of finding another "one" and don't find him because actually, this chap is your "one". Obviously you don't get anywhere in life if you're not brave enough to make that leap of faith - I'm just saying that you should be certain.

scheming_gypsy

question.... the book; was it written by a man or a women?

Chick

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

It does sound like he's not ready to be married and have babies with the OP. Ever.

He may change his mind with someone else (the 'I'm not ready's have an unfortunate habit of doing that), but he doesn't want to marry her.

Which is very sad. But better she realises now, rather than at the age of 42.

OK, what I'm going to write is not directly helpful to this thread or the OP, however, I wanted to second the comment about the men who are "I'm not ready" but then change their mind with someone else.

I have two good friends that this has happened to- the most recent had been together 5 years, discussed marriage & kids, appeared to be seemlessly heading for things they both wanted.

Suddenly, he goes all funny & calls time on the relationship, it then emerges that he has got into a relationship with a work colleague...who he then proposes to less than 6 months later!
!!!!!! is that all about?

From having witnessed 2 relationships go this way, I definitely think that some men do not marry the women of their dreams- they marry the person they are with when they decide they want to get married!

If that makes any sense...sorry, gone off on a bit of a tangent with this thread

For the OP- it's a tricky situtation, you want make to make him realise how much this all means to you but equally don't want to come across as a bit desperate.

However, I'd say that you've been together a fair amount of time and you deserve a straight answer/frank conversation about where you are both heading.

I would echo what other posters have mentioned about reducing fertility as you hit your 30s...you have time on your side now, but things need to be looked at carefully as you don't have endless years to wait to try for a baby.

Life has a funny way of passing you by as make plans for it- time flies by quickly and things don't always 'just happen'

persa

If your OH agreed to start trying for children straight away and it turned out you couldn't have children naturally for whatever reason, what would you do? If you would seriously consider adoption, then waiting around now to see how things develop isn't going to be the end of the world.

However, if you have a burning desire to have children "of your own", for want of a better way of putting it (apologies, I know it's an awful expression), you need to listen to your body clock and let your OH know he has to commit to you now, or you have no choice but to leave him, to see if someone else can give you want you want.

Given how long it would take you to find another suitable partner and reach the point where trying for children was a reasonable decision to make, you can't really afford to hang about if your OH isn't serious. Mother Nature always has the last say in these matters.

Some people want children, some don't, some are happy to go with the flow... But if you can't agree on this point, maybe he's not "The One" for you and you're not "The One" for him after all, rather "The One Who Nearly Was".

Talk to him - you clearly love him, so if he realises how big a deal this is for you, he should either have the decency to commit or set you free, rather than leave you in limbo.

elvis86

Chick wrote: »

OK, what I'm going to write is not directly helpful to this thread or the OP, however, I wanted to second the comment about the men who are "I'm not ready" but then change their mind with someone else.

I have two good friends that this has happened to- the most recent had been together 5 years, discussed marriage & kids, appeared to be seemlessly heading for things they both wanted.

Suddenly, he goes all funny & calls time on the relationship, it then emerges that he has got into a relationship with a work colleague...who he then proposes to less than 6 months later!
!!!!!! is that all about?

From having witnessed 2 relationships go this way, I definitely think that some men do not marry the women of their dreams- they marry the person they are with when they decide they want to get married!

I'm sorry. but that's just a load of b******s to make the woman who got dumped feel better..:cool:

When I read the original comment, I thought immediately that it was probably a case of sour grapes from someone who had been dumped. I'd hazard a guess that these guys didn't really love their exes enough to commit, but subsequently met someone they fell for.:)

Or, maybe like a lot of people have been advising the women on this thread to do, they got to an age where they felt the need to move things along more quickly?

For all we know, the OP may have had 5 or 10 year relationships before her current one, where she never felt the need for marriage or babies. But now because of her age, she feels that she wants this stuff after 3 years. Same difference.;)