Should you compromise?

Peater

Wow. Together only 3 years, no proposal or kiddywinks and the wise sages of MSE are advising you to leave a seemingly loving relationship and get sperm donations??

It must be a mad world that we live in.

Oh, and relationships always have been and always will be about compromise.

JC9297

Am I the only one who is shocked and saddened by the fact there is a 'waiting to be proposed to thread'?

In this day and age there are women who go online to moan together about wanting to marry their long-term boyfriend but he hasn't proposed yet?

To those saying 3 years isn't a long time, perhaps it isn't when you are in your teens/early twenties when you are both growing up, but it is more than long enough for two people in their thirties to know if they want to be together. The OP needs to ask her partner to marry her, if he turns her down then she can decide whether to move on.
Is it essential for you to be married before having children, perhaps he isn't bothered about being married but would like to have children. If not being married is a deal breaker for you then that's your choice. I personally think having a child with somebody is a much bigger commitment than marriage.

Zoetoes

3 years isn't that long so he may well be being honest about 'yes but not just yet'.

It's when you get to 10 years and you've not even got an engagement ring you start to think hang on.....like I did!

Gigervamp

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

Well yes, it might possibly be too late for the OP to have kids if this is left too much longer. It won't be too late for him though: he's got a lot longer to decide whether he wants kids than she does.

This is true and I think possibly one of the reasons why men prevaricate on this issue. They may say that they understand that time isn't on a womans side, but I don't think they really understand, IYKWIM.

19lottie82

Faerie wrote: »

he proposed nearly 2 years ago but doesn't want to get married yet.

This really get's on my goat, (I don't know why!), but really what is the point in getting engaged if you're not going to set a date in the forseeable future?

One of my colleagues is "engaged" to his partner and has been for 3 years and they have made no plans towards a wedding. When I asked him what was the point of an engagement, he said that his OH sees it as a form of commitment? This I don't understand.

I heard a good discussion on Radio 2 where they equated it to asking someone out to dinner then saying, "oh i can't say when we will go out right now", let's just leave it and sort something out later.

scheming_gypsy

JC9297 wrote: »

To those saying 3 years isn't a long time, perhaps it isn't when you are in your teens/early twenties when you are both growing up, but it is more than long enough for two people in their thirties to know if they want to be together. .

but it's got to this stage after 3 years, so she's been pecking at him for a while.

elvis86

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

You've only been together 3 years and you're looking at flats because he's not proposed to you or got you pregnant?

Three years is barely anything for a relationship never mind being married with kids.

Peater wrote: »

Wow. Together only 3 years, no proposal or kiddywinks and the wise sages of MSE are advising you to leave a seemingly loving relationship and get sperm donations??

It must be a mad world that we live in.

Zoetoes wrote: »

3 years isn't that long so he may well be being honest about 'yes but not just yet'.

Thank God I'm not the only one thinking this!

I do understand the sense of urgency that is there for the woman and perhaps not the man. However, it must be pretty terrifying as a guy in your mid-thirties, to be dating women for a relatively short period of time before they turn bridezilla/crazily broody on you!

Saying that, I'm a person who likes a plan. So I would sit OH down and have a serious conversation with him. Explain that you have a finite time in which to decide to have a baby, or you risk missing out altogether. Then try and agree a mutually agreeable timescale.

You really should be able to discuss this stuff if you're in a long-term relationship. I don't buy the "it's difficult to bring it up" argument. It's the person you're choosing to share your life with, you should absolutely be able to discuss your future and share your aspirations.

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

Plus, if it's got to this stage already when you're looking at flats to possibly leave him, just how long ago did it all start to 'go wrong'? as it can't be recent and you've not been together long enough for it to have built up.

However, I think this is a particularly interesting point. Maybe this guy just isn't for you, if you spend your days plotting to leave him? If you feel tempted to give up on the relationship after 3 years, perhaps it's a good job he didn't propose/you didn't have kids!

Are you really as happy with him and all other aspects of the relationship as you say you are..?

Lovelyjoolz

jtr2803 wrote: »

(there is a thread in the Wedding sub board where we like to vent about waiting for a proposal, )

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the replies because I got to the above thread and it made me so angry. "Waiting for a Proposal" thread? Seriously?? My apologies but I thought this was 2011, not 1811. I didn't realise there were so many weak-willed women sitting around waiting for something that is so important to just happen them. This waiting around for a bloke to propose is just bullsh!t. If you want your life to take a certain direction, then you need to make it happen, not give over control to someone else.

OP, you will always have a different timeline to your OH because unfortunately, your fertility is a finite thing and his isn't. If he wants to wait until he is 50 to have his first child he can. You don't have that option, and you are rapidly running out of time. You may be lucky, but I have several friends in their mid to late thirties who are desperately trying to conceive and can't. I dearly hope that you don't find yourself in the same situation.

You have to take responsibility for your own life. Have you have told him, in very specific terms (most blokes don't understand subtle hints and mild allusions) that you really want to be married and have a bunch of rugrats; and that you have to start now or you might never have them? He is probably completely unaware of how much you are panicking, but if he does know just how very important it is to you and he’s still dragging his heels then you have to face the possibility that he’ll never be ready. Perhaps you are not his ‘one’. But you will never know if you do not discuss this openly and directly. Stop faffing about ‘hoping he’ll propose’ and tell him what you want. Then you can have an adult conversation about it. If he doesn’t want marriage & children in the next couple of years, then you may have to move on.

It does sound harsh. Three years is not a long relationship by any means, and he may be surprised that you are much further along than he is, but when it comes to fertility, you have to be, and you need to make him understand that.

I’m really surprised that so many women are meekly watching their lives go by ‘waiting’. If you were a marine biologist and your life plan was to follow in Jacque Cousteau’s footsteps and move to the Caribbean, would you sit around waiting for him to suggest it first? No, you wouldn’t, you’d follow your planned career and find a compromise that suits you both. So why would the subject of marriage and children be different? Why leave the decision purely up to him?

Rant over

jtr2803

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the replies because I got to the above thread and it made me so angry. "Waiting for a Proposal" thread? Seriously?? My apologies but I thought this was 2011, not 1811. I didn't realise there were so many weak-willed women sitting around waiting for something that is so important to just happen them. This waiting around for a bloke to propose is just bullsh!t. If you want your life to take a certain direction, then you need to make it happen, not give over control to someone else.

OP, you will always have a different timeline to your OH because unfortunately, your fertility is a finite thing and his isn't. If he wants to wait until he is 50 to have his first child he can. You don't have that option, and you are rapidly running out of time. You may be lucky, but I have several friends in their mid to late thirties who are desperately trying to conceive and can't. I dearly hope that you don't find yourself in the same situation.

You have to take responsibility for your own life. Have you have told him, in very specific terms (most blokes don't understand subtle hints and mild allusions) that you really want to be married and have a bunch of rugrats; and that you have to start now or you might never have them? He is probably completely unaware of how much you are panicking, but if he does know just how very important it is to you and he’s still dragging his heels then you have to face the possibility that he’ll never be ready. Perhaps you are not his ‘one’. But you will never know if you do not discuss this openly and directly. Stop faffing about ‘hoping he’ll propose’ and tell him what you want. Then you can have an adult conversation about it. If he doesn’t want marriage & children in the next couple of years, then you may have to move on.

It does sound harsh. Three years is not a long relationship by any means, and he may be surprised that you are much further along than he is, but when it comes to fertility, you have to be, and you need to make him understand that.

I’m really surprised that so many women are meekly watching their lives go by ‘waiting’. If you were a marine biologist and your life plan was to follow in Jacque Cousteau’s footsteps and move to the Caribbean, would you sit around waiting for him to suggest it first? No, you wouldn’t, you’d follow your planned career and find a compromise that suits you both. So why would the subject of marriage and children be different? Why leave the decision purely up to him?

Why on earth does it make you angry? I am incensed that you seem it appropriate to brand anyone who posts on it as 'weak-willed'. Perhaps some of us just aren't as pushy and demanding as you are and would like to wait until our partners feel ready to make that commitment. It's a like hearted way for us to share our frustrations and stories, there is absolutely no harm in that.

Some of us may decide we can't wait any longer and leave the relationship and some of us will probably wait forever but that's our choice and not for anyone else to judge. I don't believe in stomping my feet for it, if he doesn't feel ready then he doesn't feel ready, it's me who has to come to a decision about whether I wish to continue the relationship.

PoorCharleyBear

My H and I moved countries together, and everyone was asking (incl his family) about children. In fact I think his parent had a stern talk with him.
Well he proposed and we got engaged...then was happy to 'wait a while'. In the meantime his mother was very sick, so we decided to just go ahead and get married so his family could be there. Well once we got married he said "wow it's not so bad. I really don't know what I was worried about. We should have done this ages ago'
I think men seem to think lots will change after the wedding ceremony.

And then kids-we had to move reasonably quick because of our ages and that turned into a trauma (not age related) but now we have offspring, he cannot imagine life any other way.

Sometimes blokes need a bit of a reality check. Life is not all about being a carefree student!