Should you compromise?

bride2be2012

My fiance was one of those who wanted to do get married, have kids, buy a house togther 'One Day'.

We got engaged in Feb 2010, and by Feb this year we hadn't set a date. We had a big argument over the fact he 'wanted to get married but didn't know when yet'. I left things a few months, then in May of this year, I just decided that we should get married the following May. He came home from work one day, and basically I said 'I've phoned the registry office and we can get married on this date next year, or the following week. Let me know what you prefer.' And that was it! I knew all the while going this, that if he turned round and said he still didn't know, that would have been it for us.

I also think if I'd left things until he decided he knew when he wanted to get married, I'd still be waiting! Since setting a date, OH is now much more open to talking about us buying a house and starting a family. I am incredibly broody, but OH wants us to buy our own house first. This is our compromise, and as I've just turned 27 I feel that I can wait a few years yet.

But you do need to talk to your OH. Mine was terrible at talking about things, he's not so bad now, so we know where we are headed.

Sue-UU

hounddoggy wrote:

Do I compromise what I want in life because I love him and stay and wait for him to get there or do I go and find someone else who can give me what I want?

Just the one question, hounddoggy, is it really and truly love if you can ask that??

I know I would never have been able to leave the man of my dreams! Tackle him over the Christmas period when you, hopefully, have time together. Tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. Be honest with him and expect nothing different in return!

Very best wishes as I think we all know what you're hoping for, but do just be absolutely sure he's the one for you first!

Hugs, Sue x

Brighton_belle

JC9297 wrote: »

Am I the only one who is shocked and saddened by the fact there is a 'waiting to be proposed to thread'?

In this day and age there are women who go online to moan together about wanting to marry their long-term boyfriend but he hasn't proposed yet?

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

I'm sorry, I haven't read all the replies because I got to the above thread and it made me so angry. "Waiting for a Proposal" thread? Seriously??

It is invariably more complex than this. Most of the women on that thread have effectively proposed and explained how much marriage means to them, but the OH's procratinate and say, 'all in good time', 'I'm not ready yet' etc. So the women have to wait for the man to be ready, and the way he tends to show that, is by 'proposing'.

And leaving someone you really love because they are happy living with you but don't want marriage 'yet' isn't an easy solution, nor is is easy for everyone to meet someone else anyway. I do know women who seem to easiy go from one relationship to another very quickly, but I know quite a few who are single 5- 10 yrs. And it gets harder as you get older.

Lovelyjoolz

jtr2803 wrote: »

Why on earth does it make you angry? I am incensed that you seem it appropriate to brand anyone who posts on it as 'weak-willed'. Perhaps some of us just aren't as pushy and demanding as you are and would like to wait until our partners feel ready to make that commitment. It's a like hearted way for us to share our frustrations and stories, there is absolutely no harm in that.

Some of us may decide we can't wait any longer and leave the relationship and some of us will probably wait forever but that's our choice and not for anyone else to judge. I don't believe in stomping my feet for it, if he doesn't feel ready then he doesn't feel ready, it's me who has to come to a decision about whether I wish to continue the relationship.

You are funny! It's not being 'pushy or demanding' to discuss what you want out of life in an adult manner, rather than sitting back hoping some bloke will take pity on you and pop the question. Really, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in my life.

If we were talking about something unimportant like a gift you were hoping for, that's one thing. But marriage and children? Really? Those are more fundamental life choices that deserve proper consideration and should be discussed like grown-ups.

I bet you'd argue til you were blue in the face over next years holiday destination, but you be an adult and discuss when you'll get married? You must see how foolish that is?

OP - 2012 is a leap year. Propose to him yourself.

January20

jtr2803 wrote: »

Meritaten....sorry but that is a horrid, upsetting and sweeping generalisation to make. You don't know this man at all and perhaps you should have a read through the waiting for a proposal thread and see how long it has taken some men to be ready for commitment, are you suggesting that all these wives were being strung along for 6/7/8 years, did the men propose out of pity?!

I'm going to probably upset you here but why should these men want to be married? They get everything from a married relationship ie sex, a woman to cook for them, look after them, sometimes even children. they can have all that whilst still saying there are not ready to commit. They can have all that and the freedom to walk any time they want. Why would they hurry to get married?

Although meritaten was indeed a little harsh in how her post was worded, I don't think she is completely wrong. I got the same feeling from reading the OP's first post. I also got the feeling the OP is a woman who very much bases her life decisions on what her partner wants to do. (she said he likes to make his own mind up about things).

SG, 3 years for a man who has fertility for pretty much the rest of his life is nothing. For a woman in her 30s, 3 years can be the difference between being a mother or being childless.

JC9297, no you are not the only one. I too am shocked and saddened that there is such a thread. I can't even begin to say exactly how I feel because I would upset so many people and I think I've already done it enough with the first part of this post!

Dinah93

When I met my DH (before he became my DH) he had a whole life plan, he was going to focus on his career until he wa 30, spend the next 5 years finding the right woman and marrying her, then after two years of marriage he'd like to start trying for children, a few years apart, probably two but maybe three or four of them. I laughed at him and when he asked why I firstly pointed out that life isn't that easy to plan, and secondly leaving conception until the late 30s means he was never going to be able to get three or four children a few years apart! He actually looked a bit shocked then admitted he hadn't ever thought of that. We ended up together a few months later, and I was shocked when he proposed well before he was 30 - his answer was that he never knew he would just know someone was right for him, he thought he would just settle down with someone who made him happy and never experienced that 'we just fit' feeling.

I always had a 3 year rule - as I came up to 3 years I'd take a step back and think about whether this relationship was one I could see myself in for the rest of my life, as it was time to commit further or jump ship. I left two relationships just before 3 years previously as while all was fine (in one instance, in the other I stayed far too long) it wasn't where I could see myself for the rest of my life and I didn't want to meander through my life. Unlike some posters on this thread I therefore think that while I may not expect to have made that next commitment yet, I would certainly know by then if this was the one for me.

It is hard to talk about, I'd leave it until after Christmas and then sit down and instead of asking for specific dates try opening with 'can you see children in our future?', assuming he says yes, ask how many, then start working backwards - 'so if we want two children, a bit apart because it'd be so exhausting having two under two, I don't think we could leave it much after 34 to start trying to be able to fit them in. I'd really hope we could be married before then, is that something you see too?'. Non confrontational, but making it clear that you've thought about this and you're not just desperate for a ring, you're after the whole package. If he sees this future with you too hopefully it will get him thinking, if he can't think about the future yet this conversation may well freak him out and that's the point I'd start to worry.

FunnySaving

If you can't sit down with him and talk about all this openly and honestly, then maybe you aren't ready for it yet either - you need to be at a stage in your relationship where you both recognise the difference between 'nagging' or 'issuing an ultimatum' and asking someone you want to spend your life with to consider your desires and concerns when thinking about their own. If you find this too hard, then perhaps it is best to wait.

Lovelyjoolz

bride2be2012 wrote: »

My fiance was one of those who wanted to do get married, have kids, buy a house togther 'One Day'.

We got engaged in Feb 2010, and by Feb this year we hadn't set a date. We had a big argument over the fact he 'wanted to get married but didn't know when yet'. I left things a few months, then in May of this year, I just decided that we should get married the following May. He came home from work one day, and basically I said 'I've phoned the registry office and we can get married on this date next year, or the following week. Let me know what you prefer.' And that was it! I knew all the while going this, that if he turned round and said he still didn't know, that would have been it for us.

I also think if I'd left things until he decided he knew when he wanted to get married, I'd still be waiting! Since setting a date, OH is now much more open to talking about us buying a house and starting a family. I am incredibly broody, but OH wants us to buy our own house first. This is our compromise, and as I've just turned 27 I feel that I can wait a few years yet.

But you do need to talk to your OH. Mine was terrible at talking about things, he's not so bad now, so we know where we are headed.

Well done you! Good luck with the wedding/househunting/baby-making/practicing baby-making

Lovelyjoolz

FunnySaving wrote: »

If you can't sit down with him and talk about all this openly and honestly, then maybe you aren't ready for it yet either - you need to be at a stage in your relationship where you both recognise the difference between 'nagging' or 'issuing an ultimatum' and asking someone you want to spend your life with to consider your desires and concerns when thinking about their own. If you find this too hard, then perhaps it is best to wait.

Exactly my point. I envy your ability to put it so concisely. Clearly I'm overly verbose today!

podperson

19lottie82 wrote: »

This really get's on my goat, (I don't know why!), but really what is the point in getting engaged if you're not going to set a date in the forseeable future?

One of my colleagues is "engaged" to his partner and has been for 3 years and they have made no plans towards a wedding. When I asked him what was the point of an engagement, he said that his OH sees it as a form of commitment? This I don't understand.

I would drive you mad then - have been engaged for 11 years now and still haven't set a date :rotfl:By proposing to me OH was saying that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - by accepting I said the same thing. We're not particularly traditional and since we live together anyway getting married isn't really going to change anything for us so I would rather wait until we have more money and can plan something nice for it - at one point we did think, should we pay for a wedding or get a house and we got the house.

I think the people who are saying three years isn't long are being a bit harsh - it's long enough surely to know if you want to be with someone on a long term basis. The OP hasn't said she wants a proposal and to start trying for kids straight away - but that she wants her OH to commit to saying that he does want these things with her in the future and give her a timeframe for them.