Should you compromise?

hounddoggy

Hello

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my relationship... I have been with my OH for the last three years and love him very much. Our relationship is great, we get on really well, laugh, have fun and are generally very happy. If you believe that someone is "the one" then I think I have found him.

However... We are not married, or even engaged, we do not have children and are not trying to have any at the moment either.

I am torn because I really want all of this as well. I am in my early 30s and never imagined my life without a husband and a family.

We have talked about this quite a lot. It's not that my OH doesn't want these things in life too because he does, he talks about it as something in the future but he never talks timescales specifically.

I don't want to push it too far because firstly I don't want him to think I am desperate, secondly because I don't want him to feel forced into something and thirdly because I know he likes to make up his own mind on things.

I can't imagine leaving him but I find myself looking at flats online and thinking about going because I don't want to live my life waiting for him to decide when the time is right for everything. I'm not talking about ultimatums or anything like that, I've made my feelings perfectly clear and I guess I don't want to waste time and feel like I'm not getting the things I want out of the relationship.

Do I compromise what I want in life because I love him and stay and wait for him to get there or do I go and find someone else who can give me what I want?

Thanks for reading

lostinrates

I'm no good at suffering in silence. I'd tell him what you have written here, and if I felt I couldn't be happy as things stand I'd say ''I don't expect an answer now, but I do need to know if its a no'' and set a time ...six months, a year...two months before your tenancy runs out or whatever.

BUT imo you aren't atm being very fair to your partner if he doesn't know just how bad this is making you feel...he needs to know just like you do, so that he can make his mind up too. TALK to him again, and be truthful, frank and loving but also putting your needs first.

He might say no...then you have to decide to either move on or compromise.

Plans_all_plans

I wouldn't compromise on having marriage and kids myself. If I was in my 30s, I wouldn't waste my time on 30 odd year old men who still aren't ready to settle down: what's he waiting for?

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him your thoughts and give him an idea of the timescale you have in mind. This is what I did: my (now) husabnd and I had an unplanned child together before we got married, 3 years later we still weren't married and I basically said "I want to get married and if you don't propose then I'll find someone else." He proposed a few months later.

I don't see the point in beating around the bush wasting time. I'd tell him what you want and if he's not forthcoming, then he's probably the wrong man for you as the way you want your lives to pan out are different. Only the pair of you can decide whether you're compatible long term or not.

System

isnt a leap year next year , make the 1st move and see what happens.

JoJoB

You're early 30s so you have about 5 years before your fertility begins to decline fairly rapidly and the risks of miscarriage/birth defects increase.

So you need to tell him this and that therefore you want to have commitment in place VERY soon and trying for a family within the next few years. If he tries to make out you're being irrational, or he personally wants to wait longer then ditch. I have too many friends who have stuck it out with men only to be ditched in their late 30s/early 40s and suddenly wonder how they are going to get the family they always wanted.

Gigervamp

I was 35 when I met my husband. I already had 3 children, but after we'd been together a couple of years and I could feel my clock ticking very fast, we had that conversation.

Yes, he wanted to marry me (at some point in time). Yes, he would like a child, but he didn't feel ready yet and was aware that leaving it longer might mean that we weren't able to have one.

Eventually, we stopped using contraception, but he didn't want to *try* to conceive, but let nature take its course.
Finally, at the age of 43 I conceived and hubby was ecstatic. Couldn't wait to tell everybody that he was going to be a dad. Sadly, I miscarried and haven't conceived since. I'm now 48 and realise that we won't be having a child now.

You're still a few years younger than I was, so you still have some time on your side, but time flies by so quickly.

I wish you all the best.

Mojisola

hounddoggy wrote: »

I am torn because I really want all of this as well. I am in my early 30s and never imagined my life without a husband and a family.

We have talked about this quite a lot. It's not that my OH doesn't want these things in life too because he does, he talks about it as something in the future but he never talks timescales specifically.

I don't want to push it too far because firstly I don't want him to think I am desperate, secondly because I don't want him to feel forced into something and thirdly because I know he likes to make up his own mind on things.

Do I compromise what I want in life because I love him and stay and wait for him to get there or do I go and find someone else who can give me what I want?

Good relationships involve a lot of compromise but it has to work both ways. Are you always going to wait on decisions about the two of you until he makes up his own mind? Where are your needs and wants being considered?

Stuff to do with being a couple has to be talked about and either joint decisions reached that both can go along with or, if it's a major issue, separation may need to be considered.

jtr2803

I am not sure anyone else can answer this.....

I have similar thoughts (am 30 in March) but my OH and I are completely different people, I plan everything and have a good idea of where I want my life to go whereas he likes to live day to day. We have been together 3.5 years now and aren't engaged (there is a thread in the Wedding sub board where we like to vent about waiting for a proposal, ) although he says he does want to get married 'one day' so similar in a number of respects. I think you have to decide your own deadline but communicate it very clearly, don't be irrational or emotional but you have to be serious and explain why you feel that way. Some men just need a big shove in the right direction and others just don't have the guts to admit they don't want the same things.

As others have said, if you stayed with him and in 5 years time you were still in the same position as you are now, would you resent him for not giving you these things you crave or would you be able to appreciate what you have and accept that things maybe haven't gone to plan? Only you know the answer to that

kitschkitty

At the end of the day you have to decide what you want more - him as things are with the possibility you won't get married and have kids or not being with him and the hope/opportunity (with no guarantees) of being married and having kids with someone else.

It's not just about compromise, it's about communication and sharing the same values and vision for your future together, and being willing to accept the variants in that vision.

purple.sarah

I think it's time to have a talk with him and say you've both talked about starting a family in the past but now you want to lay out more of a timeline. Don't rush to an ultimatum and make sure he knows you don't want to get married and have kids tomorrow, just to know they're in the future. You've been going out 3 years not 3 months, there's nothing desperate about wanting to know where it's going! Surely it's better to directly ask whether and when he wants to have kids than assume he doesn't and end the relationship over what might be a misunderstanding?

meritaten

hounddoggy wrote: »

Hello

I am at a bit of a crossroads in my relationship... I have been with my OH for the last three years and love him very much. Our relationship is great, we get on really well, laugh, have fun and are generally very happy. If you believe that someone is "the one" then I think I have found him.

However... We are not married, or even engaged, we do not have children and are not trying to have any at the moment either.

I am torn because I really want all of this as well. I am in my early 30s and never imagined my life without a husband and a family.

We have talked about this quite a lot. It's not that my OH doesn't want these things in life too because he does, he talks about it as something in the future but he never talks timescales specifically.

I don't want to push it too far because firstly I don't want him to think I am desperate, secondly because I don't want him to feel forced into something and thirdly because I know he likes to make up his own mind on things.

I can't imagine leaving him but I find myself looking at flats online and thinking about going because I don't want to live my life waiting for him to decide when the time is right for everything. I'm not talking about ultimatums or anything like that, I've made my feelings perfectly clear and I guess I don't want to waste time and feel like I'm not getting the things I want out of the relationship.

Do I compromise what I want in life because I love him and stay and wait for him to get there or do I go and find someone else who can give me what I want?

Thanks for reading

That is a very telling paragraph hun. you ARE thinking of leaving because deep down you KNOW that this man isnt going to provide you with a husband and family!
You know that he is stringing you along dont you?
Its not about COMPROMISE - and you know this. You either have a commited relationship or you dont.
you either have children or you dont - you cannot compromise there!
sounds to me like you want a husband and children and he doesnt - how do you work out a compromise on that?