Should you compromise?

jtr2803

purple.sarah wrote: »

I think it's time to have a talk with him and say you've both talked about starting a family in the past but now you want to lay out more of a timeline. Don't rush to an ultimatum and make sure he knows you don't want to get married and have kids tomorrow, just to know they're in the future. You've been going out 3 years not 3 months, there's nothing desperate about wanting to know where it's going! Surely it's better to directly ask whether and when he wants to have kids than assume he doesn't and end the relationship over what might be a misunderstanding?

I agree with you totally.....in principal. It's actually quite hard to have that conversation with someone who agrees that it's something they want but can't or won't put a time line on it. I'm not suggesting that they are not being truthful but I do believe that men and women, for the most part, differ in their views of commitment and time frames. The OP's partner may truly see all those things happening for them in the future but may not feel able to say when. That is what seems to be the issue here, he hasn't said he doesn't want to but hasn't committed to anything either. I think that's why the OP needs to set her own deadline because other wise it could just go round in circles

jtr2803

meritaten wrote: »

That is a very telling paragraph hun. you ARE thinking of leaving because deep down you KNOW that this man isnt going to provide you with a husband and family!
You know that he is stringing you along dont you?
Its not about COMPROMISE - and you know this. You either have a commited relationship or you dont.
you either have children or you dont - you cannot compromise there!
sounds to me like you want a husband and children and he doesnt - how do you work out a compromise on that?

Meritaten....sorry but that is a horrid, upsetting and sweeping generalisation to make. You don't know this man at all and perhaps you should have a read through the waiting for a proposal thread and see how long it has taken some men to be ready for commitment, are you suggesting that all these wives were being strung along for 6/7/8 years, did the men propose out of pity?!

Faerie

I know exactly how you feel hounddoggy. I've been with my OH for 5 years now, he proposed nearly 2 years ago but doesn't want to get married yet. He wants to marry me "one day, eventually.." but like your OH doesn't give specifics. I have now given him back the engagement ring and sold the wedding dress I bought because the planning wasn't getting anywhere. I've told him to give me the ring back when he wants to get married.

My OH also talks about having children or buying a house together but it's all "one day.." Grr! :mad:

Does your partner know how you are feeling at the minute? Does he know you are thinking about moving on? He might just need to know how close you are to ending the relationship to realise he needs to act sooner rather than later.

It's hard isn't it? I'll be reading the replies to see if I can get any tips too I'm 26 but I don't want to be writing the same thread in a few years. Good luck hounddoggy whatever you decide.

meritaten

jtr2803 wrote: »

Meritaten....sorry but that is a horrid, upsetting and sweeping generalisation to make. You don't know this man at all and perhaps you should have a read through the waiting for a proposal thread and see how long it has taken some men to be ready for commitment, are you suggesting that all these wives were being strung along for 6/7/8 years, did the men propose out of pity?!

I do not give a ratsa$$ about 'waiting to propose' threads! this is about THIS thead!

I answered the OPs thread because I sensed that the OP realised herself that her OH was prevaricating.
and if the OP wants a husband and family - and this man knows this - why would he be so cruel as to not make a commitment?
If a man keeps putting a woman off and saying 'yes, but in the future' .......what is the 'time limit' on that?
a year, two, or twenty? doesnt the OP have a say in that?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It does sound like he's not ready to be married and have babies with the OP. Ever.

He may change his mind with someone else (the 'I'm not ready's have an unfortunate habit of doing that), but he doesn't want to marry her.

Which is very sad. But better she realises now, rather than at the age of 42.

Gigervamp

meritaten wrote: »

That is a very telling paragraph hun. you ARE thinking of leaving because deep down you KNOW that this man isnt going to provide you with a husband and family!
You know that he is stringing you along dont you?
Its not about COMPROMISE - and you know this. You either have a commited relationship or you dont.
you either have children or you dont - you cannot compromise there!
sounds to me like you want a husband and children and he doesnt - how do you work out a compromise on that?

Meritaten, did you read my post? We did get married and when I got pregnant, hubby was really happy. He just didn't know how much he wanted it until it happened. He wasn't "stringing me along". I think he was just truly unaware of time.

People procrastinate all the time, even if it's something they want to do. There's always tomorrow. But tomorrow comes and life gets in the way and before you know it, it's too late.

OP's partner is NOT necessarily stringing her along. You may be right, but her partner might be like mine, which would mean you're wrong. To state as if it's a fact that he's stringing her along is wrong.

Plans_all_plans

Gigervamp wrote: »

People procrastinate all the time, even if it's something they want to do. There's always tomorrow. But tomorrow comes and life gets in the way and before you know it, it's too late.

Well yes, it might possibly be too late for the OP to have kids if this is left too much longer. It won't be too late for him though: he's got a lot longer to decide whether he wants kids than she does.

bluenoseam

Perhaps he feels rail-roaded into everything - as a man, if i'm being nagged then it severely impacts the chances of me actually doing something, it becomes a nuisance very quickly and will sour feelings, i know i'll be hated for this but it sounds like you're pretty much desperate for it all to happen yesterday while he's not quite so set in stone. That's not indecision, that's him simply put wanting to do something when HE is ready, you might be ready for married life & kids but ultimately both those take two people to be vested in the effort and if the shoe was on the other foot and you were the one being pressured into it then the poor guy would be slaughtered for it!

I understand the time issue but when it comes to it you cannot FORCE him into getting something like this done in the next few months, he's got to get himself used to the idea.

scheming_gypsy

You've only been together 3 years and you're looking at flats because he's not proposed to you or got you pregnant?

Three years is barely anything for a relationship never mind being married with kids. Although if you live together I don't see what difference being married will make; I know somebody who's been with their boyfriend for about a year and they're getting married next month. Her reason for getting married is for 'stability' but if you're in a stable relationship you don't need to get married; it doesn't make anything better or different. You still live together, love each other and respect each other; so why do you 'need' to be engaged or married when you already have everything apart from a couple of rings and a bit of paper.

Plus, if it's got to this stage already when you're looking at flats to possibly leave him, just how long ago did it all start to 'go wrong'? as it can't be recent and you've not been together long enough for it to have built up.

Emmzi

My personal stance is "leave if it isn't working." I would rather be alone than in an imperfect relationship. well, not that anything is perfect. but if I don't feel loved and wanted there is no point.

I also have a friend who found a sperm donor via the NHS. If you want a child more than a relationship (and it doesn't look like you are going to get both as a package here) then explore that option.