Why don't you have Children yet?

bestpud

Nicki wrote: »

Where do you get that from?

When asked before I was able to conceive my first, and after my first miscarriage, I would answer "Yes, I'd love some" and go home and weep privately. I was lucky enough to conceive my second fairly quickly after my first and no one asked after that if I wanted more (which I did)

The fact is for me I've spent a very large part of the last 20 years trying to have my children, resulting happily for me in 3 live births, but long periods of not being able to conceive and miscarriages in between. Which isn't really anyone else's business unless I want to share it, and not something I would particularly want to discuss in response to a casual question at a dinner party say. So whilst I wouldn't tell anyone to butt out of my life, I can completely relate to dizzi's statement that the information being sought is not the questioner's business, and why should she (or I or anyone else) have to brush it off or lie and say they don't want children.

You said her response was normal and actually quite moderate, so I took that to mean you don't see a problem with a snappy post if it cones from someone with fertility problems.

I originally wondered why people can't say they 'don't want' or 'can't have' children, as both 'groups' are posting on this thread.

I can now see it isn't as easy as saying that, because many people won't stop the questioning there and it's very difficult to say anyway.

What seemed straight forward clearly isn't but I didn't ask to be nosy about anyone's circumstances - I was asking as the thread is based around what people say in those circumstances.

Nicki

I have seen ladies IRL, who I know have fertility issues or recent miscarriages, burst into floods of tears and run away to hide, when faced with such a question. I have also heard some quite rude responses to the question also IRL. So in light of those, then I did think dizzi's was within the range of responses which a woman struggling with this kind of issue was likely to make, and at the moderate end). There is a massive difference between someone who has tried for years to conceive and who has come to terms with the fact that it will probably not happen, and already grieved that situation (who is much more likely to be able to fend off this question with poise) and somone who is deep in the throes of it all, perhaps pumped full of artifical hormones and tens of thousands of pounds in debt from IVF, who may well react extremely badly. I had a friend who had 7 unsuccessful IVF attempts (costing around £70k all in) and only just squeezed in for adoption before she was to old to be considered, and lovely though she was and the nicest mannered person I know, this question would have completely floored her for about 10 years of her life.

euronorris

Nicki wrote: »

So whilst I wouldn't tell anyone to butt out of my life, I can completely relate to dizzi's statement that the information being sought is not the questioner's business, and why should she (or I or anyone else) have to brush it off or lie and say they don't want children.

To be fair, it is a tricky one, as there are probably just as many people who aren't bothered by the question, or are happy to discuss it, as there are those who are bothered by the question, and don't want to discuss it. So it can be a fine balancing act sometimes, and one that we don't always get right.

However, I also appreciate that there is an appropriate time and place for such questions. I'd never ask a new colleague, or friend, for example, if they have kids. Why would I? But, if kids were the subject of discussion in a group at that time, and others were already talking about their kids, then I may ask one or two people if they have kids. Because, well it may well be relevant at the time, and simply to try and include them more in the conversation (or change the subject if they don't have kids - cos it gets a bit boring talking about them after a while anyway). But I'd also just accept no as an answer, rather than probing any further.

I'd never ask someone if they wanted kids, unless it was important to the conversation. Say a friend sharing about an argument with her OH (perhaps he wants kids, and it's causing friction, for example).

I cannot understand though, those people who just keep prodding and prodding. Insisting that people will change their minds, or telling them to get a move on! What's it go to do with them? It's not their life choice, so they should back the f*** off!

Winter_Jasmine

I don't imagine many people ask the question trying to offend, it's just that having children relatively easily is as normal as breathing in and out for most people - so it doesn't occur to them that it's such a sensitive issue to some of us. Personally, a lot of the time when I'm asked I feel like I'm being punched in the stomach but I don't want to upset someone who has no idea how they've made me feel. I know that if I told them, they'd possibly never ask anyone again but I choose not to go down that road. I usually make some flippant comment ('ooh well, you never know or 'no, not for me!') as I don't want to go into the painful truth with people I don't know well.

make_me_wise

I use to get the 'why are you still single' questions. Sadly not from some dashing, handsome beau offering to change my life. Usually from a sad do gooder who had nohing much else to do than take their minds off their lives by interfering with mine.

Then for years hubby and I got the 'why dont you have kids yet' questions. At first this just felt a bit intrusive and we would say we were't ready, wanted to travel, sort out a nice home. After nearly 2 years trying to concieve it became harder and harder to hide the truth and more painful. People dont realise that being childless is not always a choice but a difficult predicament many people are in.

Currently I am very heavily pregnant with twin girls. They are due in 2 weeks time. The question of the moment is 'Jesus have you not had them yet, when were you due?' One lady decided to tell me, at the check out at tescos yesterday, you want to go to the hospital deary they must have forgotten to call you in and get you started. I didn't know what to say to her. How many weeks she thought I had gone overdue I dread to think :rotfl:

runningwoman

Well, the kind of se*x i like having doesn’t normally result in babies being created

Gavin83

kitschkitty wrote: »

I will admit right now I've never held a baby - Not even my nephew! Oh and I've never changed a nappy. I've looked after babies for short periods of time, but don't recall ever having picked one up or held one. I have worked with and looked after kids aged 3+ though.

I aim to get through my enitre life without ever having to change a nappy. We shall see how it goes!

Person_one

Gavin83 wrote: »

I aim to get through my enitre life without ever having to change a nappy. We shall see how it goes!

Plenty of dads manage it.

londonsurrey

morganedge wrote: »

Over time, I'm more and more of the opinion that people shouldn't have children unless they have quite a lot of money.
I'll likely always be kinda broke, so I don't really plan to ever have children (don't tell my mum this, though!)

I agree with you on that point. About 12 years ago, the National Office of Statistics released figures calculating how much it cost to raise a child to age 18. It could be as much as £300,000. It factored in things like pets for the child.

There was a "basic model" child, that cost £18,000 to raise. But it didn't get anything outside the strict essentials, not even sweets.

LudaMusser

I`m 32 and my wife is 26, we got married in June this year and have not had the Kids question that much. The thing is, neither of us really want kids. My younger brother has a one year old girl and although she`s lovely, I love handing her back to him. We`ve got a big family do on her side on the 30th, if anybody asks us the question I`ll just tell them straight. We are`nt ready for kids and TBH, we don`t know if we ever want any. Right now they are the last thing on our mind. I think being honest and blunt with ppl is the best way to answer a question esp if you get the same Q from the same ppl alot