Why don't you have Children yet?

Person_one

morganedge wrote: »

Over time, I'm more and more of the opinion that people shouldn't have children unless they have quite a lot of money.
I'll likely always be kinda broke, so I don't really plan to ever have children (don't tell my mum this, though!)

The population would drop like a stone!

BugglyB

bestpud wrote: »

Also, because there was a nine year gap between child 2 and 3, it was assumed I had changed partner and we wanted to have a baby of our own.

Once it was discovered I had the same husband, they decided child 3 must be an accident!

I guess there is a typical order and some people can't cope with anyone doing things differently...

Amazing!!!!! :eek::rotfl:

dizziblonde

bestpud wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, abrasive as it is, but I've had my question answered by posters who are able to have a conversation without getting their knickers in a twist!

I'm sorry it is a difficult subject for you, but sometimes it is more helpful to help people understand rather than think you have the right to go off on one.

What - you mean "posters who agree with me that it's perfectly acceptable to enquire about the ins and outs (pardon the phrasing) of other people's sex lives?"

It's rude (because that IS essentially what you're asking), it's intrusive and it can be incredibly emotionally cruel for some people... but hey-ho "it's what people do" and "oh it's just making conversation" so never mind anyone else's feelings!

Person_one

dizziblonde wrote: »

What - you mean "posters who agree with me that it's perfectly acceptable to enquire about the ins and outs (pardon the phrasing) of other people's sex lives?"

It's rude (because that IS essentially what you're asking), it's intrusive and it can be incredibly emotionally cruel for some people... but hey-ho "it's what people do" and "oh it's just making conversation" so never mind anyone else's feelings!

You have to wonder if it would be quite as socially acceptable to ask the same question in more graphic language:

"So, have you been having much unprotected sex lately?"

"How are the old gonads? Up and running?"

"How long since your last period then? Are you late?"

Tropez

Person_one wrote: »

You have to wonder if it would be quite as socially acceptable to ask the same question in more graphic language:

"So, have you been having much unprotected sex lately?"

"How are the old gonads? Up and running?"

"How long since your last period then? Are you late?"

You mean you're not supposed to ask those questions?

That explains why my cousin Mandy never responds to my calls or emails.

Blackpool_Saver

I think "had to sell 'em to pay off debts" is the best answer

bestpud

dizziblonde wrote: »

What - you mean "posters who agree with me that it's perfectly acceptable to enquire about the ins and outs (pardon the phrasing) of other people's sex lives?"

It's rude (because that IS essentially what you're asking), it's intrusive and it can be incredibly emotionally cruel for some people... but hey-ho "it's what people do" and "oh it's just making conversation" so never mind anyone else's feelings!

Others managed to say why without being rude, but never mind.

Nicki

bestpud wrote: »

Others managed to say why without being rude, but never mind.

I've read the whole thread though, and dizzi's response didn't come across to me as rude.

I can understand, I really can, that people like you who have never had any difficulties conceiving genuinely to do not understand that asking people whether they are/why they are not having children causes distress, and that there is no intent to do so.

However, having walked in those shoes, I also understand that these questions DO cause very great distress in some circumstances, and that a reaction like dizzi's is entirely normal (and actually quite moderate to be honest)

Having read the whole thread, and the other responses which you say explained the situation to you, do you still really not get that asking this kind of question can rouse strong feelings? And do you still not agree that actually whether or not a friend/acquaintance or even family member is or is not going to start or add to their family is a matter only for them and their partner, and therefore not required to be shared with you other than on their own terms?

bestpud

Nicki wrote: »

I've read the whole thread though, and dizzi's response didn't come across to me as rude.

I can understand, I really can, that people like you who have never had any difficulties conceiving genuinely to do not understand that asking people whether they are/why they are not having children causes distress, and that there is no intent to do so.

However, having walked in those shoes, I also understand that these questions DO cause very great distress in some circumstances, and that a reaction like dizzi's is entirely normal (and actually quite moderate to be honest)

Having read the whole thread, and the other responses which you say explained the situation to you, do you still really not get that asking this kind of question can rouse strong feelings? And do you still not agree that actually whether or not a friend/acquaintance or even family member is or is not going to start or add to their family is a matter only for them and their partner, and therefore not required to be shared with you other than on their own terms?

As I've already said, I've never asked the question myself and neither would I.

Part of the issue I have with the replies is I've been told I'm nosy and it's none of my business, but it isn't something I would ask anyway!!

I asked because it is obvious that lots do ask and I didn't understand why people cannot just say 'I don't want children' or the like.

I haven't had fertility issues but I've had other problems that lead to uncomfortable questions, so I get that part.

I guess I didn't realise how deep an issue infertility can be for women but I don't think I was rude to ask tbh. I was genuinely wondering why it wasn't possible to brush people off.

Dizzi should not have answered if she can't do so without being rude tbh. You may think it is moderate, but that's because you, like her, think your problems justify that kind of response.

Nicki

bestpud wrote: »

but that's because you, like her, think your problems justify that kind of response.

Where do you get that from?

When asked before I was able to conceive my first, and after my first miscarriage, I would answer "Yes, I'd love some" and go home and weep privately. I was lucky enough to conceive my second fairly quickly after my first and no one asked after that if I wanted more (which I did)

The fact is for me I've spent a very large part of the last 20 years trying to have my children, resulting happily for me in 3 live births, but long periods of not being able to conceive and miscarriages in between. Which isn't really anyone else's business unless I want to share it, and not something I would particularly want to discuss in response to a casual question at a dinner party say. So whilst I wouldn't tell anyone to butt out of my life, I can completely relate to dizzi's statement that the information being sought is not the questioner's business, and why should she (or I or anyone else) have to brush it off or lie and say they don't want children.