Why don't you have Children yet?

Cookiee

I can totally relate to this thread.

I am 31 and my OH is 37. He is the youngest of 4 and I am the oldest of 5. All of our family have had children and this question has caused family arguements, heartache and all sorts of issues. It can range from "dont you see yourself as a woman?" to "your denying my brother a chance to be a father" (both comments from the sis-in-law from hell). My mum is desperate for me to have children but she understands my reasons not to have any at the moment. I am in debt (which is shrinking :-D) OH is injured with a major spinal blockage and I am having abnormal smears. Mind you this does not stop my gynacologist on advising that " my internal biological clock is ticking" This is from the bloke who keeps telling me that I have to laser my abnormal cells every 9/12 months!!!

My wonderful best friend knows my situation and attacks people who are insensive with the following comments:
1 - What and ruin her perfect 40EE boobs? (sorry she is happily engaged but is a bit blunt - I dont care I have to try not to laugh)
2 - She has got a kid - Her OH
3 - Because your child maintenance check bounced
4 - Becuase your childish behaviour takes up too much room on the planet for her (me) to be able to concieve ...

The list could go on but depending on who is asking can vary :-P My mum would love dearly for me to have a child and keeps saving me pink smarties hoping that when we do decide to try that I will have a girl (I dont know :-P) The sad thing is that all my family on both sides all had hystrect ops by the age of 35. There is a history of cancer (both cervical and overian) and it really winds me up when they say I am leaving it too late ... My response if I am !!!!!! off is why dont you give me £20k and I will pop one out for you!

For a long long time I did not want children. I was not happy with my life when I was younger and felt that it was no-ones business. On FB I see all my sch friends also having/had children and when they see I dont I got comments saying "we always thought you would be the 1st to have children as you always mothered everyone"

I think that your true friends know that your decision is your decision. Family can always be slightly more akward to deal with but I guess it's something you will always have face.

Mind you my friend did want to give me a t-shirt saying:
"no I dont have children .... why do you keep asking stuipd questions?

Lv Cookiee

Blackpool_Saver

LisaB85 wrote: »

so quite often people want to know the ins and out of a maggots !!!! hole.

WHAT ???????:eek::rotfl:

bestpud

dizziblonde wrote: »

The fact it's actually none of your business, the fact it can open a whole emotional can of worms and upset people quite a lot...

Thanks for your reply, abrasive as it is, but I've had my question answered by posters who are able to have a conversation without getting their knickers in a twist!

I'm sorry it is a difficult subject for you, but sometimes it is more helpful to help people understand rather than think you have the right to go off on one.

BugglyB

Actually its perfectly feasible to find things to talk about to complete strangers without asking do they have kids. If I meet someone new at a party or at work and am making small talk or getting to know them I always ask 'so what sort of things do you like to do?' or 'hows your week been so far?'

Then they can talk about their kids if they want, but its not necessary if they don't, if they want to tell me about their hobbies or their business or whatever I'll be interested in that. I never ask what people do for a living or whether they have kids, or if they have a partner - its boring, its none of my business, and it might be difficult for them to talk about, if for example they've just been made redundant or dont have any family at all.

choille

Following on from the 'Why are you single thread'

Are there any of you who don't have children for whatever reason who often get the 'Why don't you have children yet?' or the 'Oh you have no children, that's a shame' comments?

How do you deal with these?

I'm 26 and have never wanted children, I am not maternal in the slightest and it is rare any baby will make me go 'awww' so quite often people want to know the ins and out of a maggots !!!! hole.

If I say 'I don't want Children' I will get 50 questions about why, trying to change my mind and convince me one day I will want children.

I did have kids, but due to the economic downturn I had to let them go.

mumps

People can be annoying, the one I hated was when I was expecting baby no 3. As I had two boys it was obvious to everyone that I desperately wanted a girl, when I said I would be happy with another boy, in fact wanted another boy they would either look shocked, tell me that I was wrong, I was either in denial or pretending I wanted a boy so people wouldn't know I was disappointed when I had a boy. To me it was insulting to my boys, like saying they weren't good enough. I also get fed up when people run down teenage mothers, I was one, or say people are selfish for having more than two, or tell me how much better life is without children. The most annoying was someone who was always on about her perfect life without children and how she couldn't understand why people had then etc who then demanded loads of sympathy and sensitivity when she had a hysterectomy and couldn't have children.

I wish people didn't feel the need to try to convince everyone that they know what is best and that their way is best. I can't imagine not having children, I am sympathetic to people who would like them but can't, I am happy for people who don't want them and think it is good that they know what suits them. It is not a one size fits all situation.

geri1965_2

I'm 46 and have never wanted any. I think I must be fairly lucky as I can't remember anyone ever asking me if I have kids, or if they know I don't have any, why not. Perhaps I just don't look like at all motherly.

BugglyB

People can be annoying you're right. Theres a woman I used to work with who was constantly on about other peoples lives. She's part of the reason I don't tell people about our fertility issues. She would put her head to one side and go 'oh well its terribly sad for Jane and her boyfriend, they had a miscarriage last year' - when you were struggling to think who Jane actually was! 'Well you know Gemma has two children to different men so thats awfully hard for her' - like faux sympathy when all it was was mindless gossip. She told me about someone I didn't even know being raped when they were younger!

morganedge

Over time, I'm more and more of the opinion that people shouldn't have children unless they have quite a lot of money.
I'll likely always be kinda broke, so I don't really plan to ever have children (don't tell my mum this, though!)

bestpud

mumps wrote: »

People can be annoying, the one I hated was when I was expecting baby no 3. As I had two boys it was obvious to everyone that I desperately wanted a girl, when I said I would be happy with another boy, in fact wanted another boy they would either look shocked, tell me that I was wrong, I was either in denial or pretending I wanted a boy so people wouldn't know I was disappointed when I had a boy. To me it was insulting to my boys, like saying they weren't good enough. I also get fed up when people run down teenage mothers, I was one, or say people are selfish for having more than two, or tell me how much better life is without children. The most annoying was someone who was always on about her perfect life without children and how she couldn't understand why people had then etc who then demanded loads of sympathy and sensitivity when she had a hysterectomy and couldn't have children.

I wish people didn't feel the need to try to convince everyone that they know what is best and that their way is best. I can't imagine not having children, I am sympathetic to people who would like them but can't, I am happy for people who don't want them and think it is good that they know what suits them. It is not a one size fits all situation.

I agree it is what people do.

When I was expecting my third and I said I already had one of each, people thought that was great as I didn't need to worry which I had... :cool:

Also, because there was a nine year gap between child 2 and 3, it was assumed I had changed partner and we wanted to have a baby of our own.

Once it was discovered I had the same husband, they decided child 3 must be an accident!

I guess there is a typical order and some people can't cope with anyone doing things differently...