Why don't you have Children yet?

minerva_windsong

I would never dream of asking someone why they didn't have children or when they were going to have them, because I wouldn't want to unwittingly upset someone who might not be able to have kids. I just think it's rude, regardless of how long a couple have been married/together - people were asking my OH's sister when they were going to have children on her wedding day and I was just appalled that would even occur to someone as an appropriate question. If you need a topic for small talk then surely there are far less touchy subjects?

Person_one wrote: »

I'm 27 and I get it a lot. I have a young niece and nephew and people find it hard to believe that I can love them dearly, and enjoy spending time with them yet still not want my own.

It looks flippin' exhausting, and its far too easy to mess it up.

This is my view on the matter - I've got two nephews aged four and 16 months, who I absolutely love to bits and love spending time with, but they don't make me want my own children (although they have made me more kid-friendly). I'm knackered after spending a few hours with the four-year-old so I don't know how my sister does it pretty much 24/7 - she must be Superwoman!

The other thing is that I worry I wouldn't be a very good mother and wouldn't know what to do; I know people say it's different when you've got your own but I have a horrible image of me stuck with a screaming baby on my own and not knowing how to make it stop crying and accidentally doing something awful...

BugglyB

bestpud wrote: »

What is wrong with simply answering: 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children'?

Am I missing something? :cool:

I think you are missing something yes. A lot of people aren't at the stage where they can say the latter without it upsetting them. Or for others, the answer might not be that simple. For some, the answer to 'so why havent you got any kids yet' might be 'because I had a miscarriage last week'.

Theres nothing insensitive about saying 'do you have kids' or even 'any plans to have kids'. The insensitivity comes with the probing, if the enquirer gets a simple 'no' or 'maybe' answer, and just won't let it go.

Nicki

Ive had two miscarriages and prolonged infertility, so there have definitely been times in my life when the question "Do you have..." or "are you having more..." has caused me distress even though I now have 3 children.

I have also (once) had the awful experience of innocently asking a women who had become quite involved with my childrens school whether she had children, to be told that she had two children but they had both been killed in a road accident a few years previously.

So, my own view is that this isn't an innocent question like where are you going on your holidays this year, but one which might well cause distress to someone, in which case why ask it if all you want to do is fill up quiet space?

dizziblonde

bestpud wrote: »

What is wrong with simply answering: 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children'?

Am I missing something? :cool:

The fact it's actually none of your business, the fact it can open a whole emotional can of worms and upset people quite a lot...

Carl31

Is this a massive hindrance on peoples lives?

People reproduce, people get married, does it matter if people are curious? Would you rather they just ignored you and didnt speak?

londonsurrey

Yes, if they're nosey morons.

Humphrey10

bestpud wrote: »

What is wrong with simply answering: 'I don't want children' or 'I can't have children'?

When I answer 'I don't want children', the response is usually along the lines of 'oh that's what you say now, you will want them in the future'.
Many people cannot conceive of a woman not wanting children. It does get a bit irritating when they go on and on - 'one day you will want them' 'you'll start looking at baby clothes' 'aren't babies cute' etc etc.

missbishi

Carl31 wrote: »

Is this a massive hindrance on peoples lives?

People reproduce, people get married, does it matter if people are curious? Would you rather they just ignored you and didnt speak?

See post 84

Nara

Even if you had a child the next question is then 'Are you having anymore?' or 'So when are you having the next one?'

It's never ending.

I have one child. I wanted a child and was lucky enough to have one. But I can see other people's points of view as well, it is highly stressful and you have to have a strong relationship to get through having a child, going from being a couple to being parents is a massive life changing experience, and I can relate to the person who pointed out that they were selfish and didn't want children due to the impact on their lives.

My partner and I have decided one child is enough for us but the never ending questions of when are you having another? or the shock from people because apparently its a massive sin to only have one child!!! and they will be lonely/spoilt/hate you for being an only child/socially awkurd blah blah, well it drives me mad.

My DD is 5 years old now and we are getting our lives back slowly :P and are able to get back to concentrating more on our relationship and my sex drive seems to have reappeared too the thought of going back ot babies/screaming/nappies etc is not appealing to me.
Also my DD was very ill for the first 18months of her life and it was the most stressful thing i have ever had to deal with, the thought of another ill baby is horrendous.

So I think we will be sticking with one for various reasons, but while a small part of me thinks another child would be nice and if it happened by accident it wouldn't be the end of the world.

But yeah I would never ask a person questions like that or inquire as to why they don't have children, i think its pretty rude.

Like my Aunt calling it weird because we have one child and not 4 like her!! why is it weird? just because most people seem to have more then 1 child why is it viewed as abnormal to only have 1 child?

ash28

lostinrates wrote: »

Its a touchy one for me. TBH I really don't want t make anyone feel bad for asking the question or give out details of medicl conditions to wahat I see as primarily small talk. I mainly say say, ''no, sadly not. we are thinking about another puppy/kitten though''. The sadly makes it clear to all but the dense that its not something to push further, and the puppy/kitten comment hopefully suggests we're not sane enough to be worth ''convincing'' to ''do something about it''.

Funnily enough the worst culprit of my mother who KNOWS its not gonna happen and keeps pushing anyway I have told her several times its hurtful but I think she just forgets.

It would be a touchy one for my daughter too, she's 31 and has a medical condition that means she is highly unlikey to conceive even with help. She's 31 and looks about 24 or 5 so fortunately it's not a question she's usually asked.

Her family and close friends know what is wrong and wouldn't ever speak about it to her unless she starts the conversation. She does sometimes, though not all of the time find it upsetting, and the older she's getting the more often she gets upset.

She would love children and would make a fantastic mother.....such is life I guess.